Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

Good for you. Where your kids generally sensible?

Thank goodness for this post. You get me.

I think the key to this (and lots of parenting threads) is that the age is just a number…it doesn’t account for emotional /psychological maturity.

It’s not about what works for YOU. It’s about whether you are keen to preserve, sustain and nurture a healthy relationship with another adult.

Please do think carefully before making such a presumptive post. You have no clue about my living situation / mental health and making such strong assertions about a poster's situation can be harmful. I came here looking for support and constructive advice.

That's why I am here seeking constructive advice. I want a better relationship with my DS.

Binge drinking usually and occasional substance abuse, I suspect. He was separated from friends while on holiday overseas in summer while very drunk. It was very late at night and he didn't know where the hotel was and luckily a kind stranger helped him recover and find his friends. There has been at least 2 occasions while at Uni where he has also got blind drunk at clubs and was so unwell that he threw up in the club. He often walks home on his own late at night from clubs in his uni town, because he feels its OK. I am obv concerned about this behaviour while accepting it is part of being young. I am trying to encourage much healthier habits in him.

I asked for constructive advice.

The whole thing sounds like having his cake and eating it….but you are complicit in it if you are allow him to treat home like a hotel. He won’t act like an adult if you are running around after him smoothing out all the wrinkles in life! Also have a think about how much money you’re giving him. If it’s enough for him to manage at uni but he will have to be thoughtful about how he spends it, that’s ok, but if you’re giving him so much he doesn’t need to get work in the Summer and he can do as he pleases then it’s too much.

Both of mine were subsidised from home but they didn’t have enough to not be doing casual work in the Summer. DD was an absolute ninja with money and managed to make enough with a couple of cat feeding and baby sitting jobs along with finding neat ways to save money at uni but that was fine as long as she wasn’t relying on us for money to fund her holiday plans.

Your DS needs to do his own washing etc and I would say also be responsible for one of the family meals each week. If you want him to act like an adult, expect adult behaviour. You might have to be really clear with him on what you will and won’t do. It’s a tricky time of bridging adolescence to adulthood and some take longer than others to get the hang of it! As you say, stepping back in some areas might be helpful.

But you aren’t looking for a middle ground. Every reply you’ve made makes it more and more clear you are only interested in how to get your son to follow YOUR rules to help you manage YOUR anxiety. Even your husband thinks you are going overboard (why exactly is it an issue that he won’t back you up, but you don’t see an issue in not siding with him either?). 99% of the replies you have had on here are telling you that you need to back off and leave him be. He’s an adult and even if he makes risky choices, they are his to make. I presume he’s at uni in a city - it’s going to be far more dangerous for him doing these things there than it is in your home rural location, yet you aren’t as worried about that? Which says this is about controlling him when he’s at home.

My eldest is 20 now. He gets stupidly drunk and some of the decisions he’s made when drunk are beyond dangerous. Scares the hell out of me. But they are his choices to make. I simply remind him that I won’t be replacing his phone if he loses it (especially as I’ve just got him a new contract phone that I’ll be paying off for the next 3 years) and that he needs to deal with the repercussions of his actions. His first night back before Xmas he went out to a friends house a few doors from ours, said he’d be home later. I left the door locked but key out for him, and a light on. I stayed up watching tv (my only chance to watch what I wanted so not waiting for him) til around 2am and was surprised he still wasn’t home. Woke around 5am to discover the light still on etc, checked his room assuming he was too drunk to remember to turn the light off but he wasn’t there. So I text him and asked for him to let me know he was ok and if he knew when he would be home. I then checked the family find my iPhone to check he wasn’t asleep in the garden or something stupid like that, and he was in a village about 30 miles away, so i figured he wouldn’t be home til much later. When he replied a few hours later I said no problem, see you in a bit. When he got home, I asked him to please let me know if plans change and he won’t be home so that I can turn lights off and not worry if I wake up and he’s not home. He apologised and said that was fine and he’d let me know next time.

As the parents of adult children, we don’t need to know who they are with (Christ, my son could tell me who he’s with but I likely wouldn’t even know liar of them anyway) or where they are going unless they’ve asked for a lift. An expected time home, or just telling you they won’t be home is common courtesy. At their age, they don’t have fixed plans for nights out. They see who’s out, where seems busy, where people feel like going on the night itself. Most of the best nights out were completely unplanned!

If you carry on demanding your son abide to your controlling rules you will push him away and he’ll likely stop coming home - or certainly after uni he will do whatever it takes not to have to come home and you’ll be lucky to see him once a year. Is that what you want? Ask your husband why he’s not as worried as you. Agree with him a sensible house rule or two and you might find your son agrees more readily.

ok so he sounds like an immature twit.
So: what happened overseas when he got separated from his friends? Did you go over and get him out of that? Or did - as you described - he manage to make his way back?

There is a discussion to be had with him and his friends (my DCs friends have a buddy system, this doesn't happen to them) about how to behave and precautions to take when out in strange places and drinking (and even when not drinking)

What happened when he threw up in a club? barred from the club, i hope. The bar staff in those clubs need training about when to stop serving someone, and the bouncers and staff need training on keeping an eye on what the patrons are up to.

His behaviour is concerning, most of us grow out of this. What were your older DCs like at this age? The most i think you need to do is remind him that he doesn't have a handle on his drinking limits and to work on that.

Beyond that, i think it is for you to handle your anxiety about things. It is hard. But you constantly have to adjust as your DCs grow up. That was the best advice i had when pregnant with DC1.

I think you have had some constructive advice. Lots of posters have agreed with you that he needs to at least let you know if/when he'll be home, that's just courtesy and common sense when living together. It's the other stuff you're getting push back on - nagging him to charge his phone, telling him not to walk around with his headphones on, wanting to know exactly where he's going and who with - all of these I'd say to and expect from my 15 year old but he's an adult now so you do have to step back a little, he probably feels infantilized. You say he acts recklessly and you're only acting out of concern but clearly he doesn't see it that way and he's not going to just acquiesce to your wishes, if anything your actions will be pushing him to become further entrenched. My constructive advice - ask for basic courtesy but for everything else just drop the rope, he will make mistakes but part of growing up is learning from your mistakes, you have to let him go.

I'm not actually giving you advice. I'm pointing out a fact. He is an adult and doesn't have to comply with your rules any more than your next door neighbour does.

Your only right here is to tell him if he isn't willing to comply, he can't stay with you. But I doubt that will have a different result, either way, you don't know where he is or what he's doing.

It's not a great situation, you're right to be worried, he's clearly not going to be safe with the way he's behaving but your time to do something about it has run out. He's going to have to learn the hard way.

That goes both ways.

Respect has to be earned.

Your approach to posters on this thread could be interpreted as reactive and even slightly hostile. That’s free feedback you can take or leave, depends on your own self awareness and how interested you are in exploring your impact on others.

If you believe your behaviours are excusable due to your anxiety / MH issues - then you are very wrong. It might explain it but it doesn’t excuse it. If you are as punitive, overbearing and intense with your DS it’s not surprising he is withholding, withdrawing, and ‘rebelling’.

Your priority as a mother with anxiety is to seek professional support to manage your own MH so that you are able to intercept and reframe your irrational thoughts so that they don’t become toxic behaviors that burden your child.

I actually don’t think you are in the wrong. While his at uni his out of sight out of mind and your not expecting him to walk through the door. But when his at home you are. I think it is just common decency to say I’m going out, doing this expect to be back at whatever time. Will message if this changes. Any further detail is too much.

It’s tricky but I wouldn’t have accepted this level of interference from a parent at this age. My DF was controlling of me as a teen and often tried to enforce arbitrary “house rules” which just seemed to be down to his issues rather than for genuine reasons. He just could not respect that I was an adult and he wasn’t in charge anymore and I moved out to another relative’s home shortly before leaving for uni and then never really went home again to live as a result. I remember renting a room in a pretty terrible area the summer in between second and third year, close to my work, which he would have hated had he known about it. I think we both had to accept the new us and the new relationships
which was one between adults rather than between parent and child and a bit of space for a few years helped us to do that. We get on great now but his behaviour pushed me away for a time. It’s a weird period for both sides, they are trying to understand their new boundaries too.

This is spot on!

PP is right - there’s no point expressing your worries over everything as he’s not going to change his behaviour anyway. He’s far more likely to do the basics that we all require if you stop fussing about things he absolutely should be taking responsibility for himself, like charging his phone.

Hard as it is, we learn our best lessons when we’re in a situation that we have to find our own way out of. You have to trust that all the input you’ve given him over the first 18 years is enough to help him to stand on his own two feet.

@anotherglass being "concerned" for our children, irrespective of their age, is not unusual.

Your son, seems to feel that your concern is intrusive, undermines his (perceived) ability to safely navigate his life and to him, shows you don't trust him. (which you obviously don't, given his past behaviours)

So how can you improve your relationship with him @anotherglass?

Comparing his attitude to your other lad is totally fruitless, they are not identikit children, so may be don't do that.

How best to alleviate your worry for him requires you to re-adjust your expectations, I think.

Asking where he is going and with whom, is a non-starter, for him.

How exactly, do you think, you could keep him safe now that he's an adult?

You can't, that's totally within his remit now, isn't it?

So what do you really need to know from him that is not intrusive (to him) but reduces your anxiety?

Letting them fly is fraught, I really do understand @anotherglass

A young man walking through a park with headphones on is not exhibiting major risk-taking behaviour!!
And anyway, it's nothing to do with you now because he's no longer a child.
Similarly, you can't expect his phone to be always charged. It's his choice whether or not to do that.
You need to let go. You're no longer responsible for your children. Time to live your own life.

@Tillow4ever 🌺

Such a brilliant, constructive and informative post which should, hopefully, give @anotherglass something to seriously ponder.

Yanbu im having the same with my 18 year old dd she has split from her bf and moved back home and she thinks im treating her like a kid by asking where she is going or what time she will be back. But I don't see it as an age thing its just something you do with people you live with its not ok to vanish for days and not tell anyone your at least alive. I would never leave the house without saying im just nipping to the shop be back in 10 mins its just what you do. My dd is also emotionally immature, reckless, impulsive and repeatedly makes dumb decisions and puts herself in danger

Having opened this thread, I fully expected to agree with you but I’m afraid there is much in your posts with which to disagree.

You refer to ‘house rules’ and indicate that your DH does not agree. House rules are agreed at least between you and DH and it seems he is not on board.

good on him. I’m very sorry but I think your anxiety is driving this. You say yourself that you are ok when your son is in uni halls. Do you really want him to move out so that you can worry less ?

I suspect it is the lot of parents to worry at least a bit (though yours does sound extreme). The trick is to separate your anxiety from how you treat him. It is clear to anyone reading this, so it will be to him, too, that this is about control.

nothing good will come of your insisting he tells you where he is going and who with. You are setting him up to lie to you. How would you know who he was with anyway?

try and get some help for your anxiety and leave off trying to control your son. All the best

You have made this squarely about control. I am asking for basic courtesy, not dashing out the door without even saying goodbye or what he's up to. This is driven by concern. My eldest DS is considerate in this way, and hasn't felt pushed out of home. As for DH, he is uninvolved in the DS lives. After dropping them off at Uni, his expecation was not to hear from them until the end of term. To me, this was emotionall neglectful. Young men still need to connect with their parents.

No - 2 of them are absolute bell ends . we live in a town centre and they make their own way around usually on public transport.

DC1 went to Asia for 6 months after A’levels with one friend. Nobody was more astonished than me that they did not require the service of an embassy or emergency cash transfer having lost documents/ money (given we must’ve collected their flute and PE kit on a monthly basis for 5 years from lost property).