MIL refusing to go to DS's graduation

[MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants1]

My DH has just finished a MSc at a prestigious uni and got the top grade. He did this alongside his senior civil service job so he's worked incredibly hard. I'm super proud of him and I know he's really pleased with himself.

MIL was visiting this weekend and I bought up his graduation and asked if she would like to go. She burst out laughing and said "god no, why would I go to something so boring?" DH turned to me and said "told you". This is DH's 3rd degree and his DB also has a degree. She didn't go to one graduation so neither have her sons as they didn't want to go alone.

My DH laughed it off but I feel sad for him. Parents should celebrate their kid's achievements no matter what age. I have lovely memories of my graduations. My parents and grandparents came, we had a wonderful meal.

I will obviously make his graduation really special but AIBU that this is not normal behaviour from a parent?

To the posters who don't think that graduation ceremonies are worth going to, did you and your families( including parents) celebrate your achievement in any other way eg special meal, or were given a present or anything else to mark the occasion? Did you celebrate when you got your degree results rather than on the graduation day?

I'm not sure I'd bother going to my own second and third graduations, by then surely it's run-of-the-mill..?
Mind you, I didn't actually go to my first as I was already working full time 8000 miles away.

First degree yes, others no. Think work who sponsored my last may have given me a dinner but it’s 15 yeas ago and can’t really remember?

She was a crap parent OP and still is by the sound of it. Some people are just weird.

I expect I went out with my friends on results day but it's so long ago that I can't honestly remember!
I probably got a few cards but definitely no presents. My parents never gave rewards for academic results and nor do I - success is it's own reward.

Yes, really.

She's not refusing to go she just said she didn't want to. If your husband said it was really important to him that she come then she has the option to refuse but it doesn't sound like that is what is happening here

She just sounds like a crap mum then. I would travel hours to see my DC in anything. So would DH.

This is sad, not quite the same but we would walked over coals to go to our DDs passing out parade from basic training in the Royal Navy. We were allowed up to 7 guests and invited my mum but it was too much to travel from Ireland.
One of my brothers came over for it as well as DSS and my other brother watched the parade via live video link with my mum. It was a great day out

I have 2 degrees and a PgDip. I'm dreaming of doing a creative writing degree to pass the time in my retirement. I did an LLM basically because my work said 'Do you want to do a Masters in something?' and I had just moved away from my home town and had spare time in the evenings. Some people just like studying stuff. It does seem a bit stupid now I've written it down though. It was completely useless career wise but I really enjoyed doing it. I'm not clever in any way- I'm bang average academics wise so it's not like I have a massive brain! (My degrees were also all free which makes a big difference!) My SIL has a ton of degrees including a PhD
I didn't go to my Masters graduation though. Every bugger turned up to my first graduation!

@MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants1
I’ve not FTFT, but I’ve read all your posts.
I’m so glad your dh has you and your lovely family to cheer him on at his graduation.
Your dh May find a quick Google of FOG - Fear. Guilt. Obligation…..of some interest.

I'm sorry your DH has two parents who seem so selfish and uninvolved.

I'm not clear what sort of conversation happened between you and your DH beforehand, but my advice would be not to invite his parents to anything more unless he explicitly says he wants you to, and don't do/say things in an attempt to highlight how uncaring they are. Giving them more and more opportunities to reject him is just hurtful.

I did this too. But I was single at the time. If I had had a loving partner like OP or parents who wanted to help me celebrate my achievement I would have been thrilled and happily enjoyed it all. I think OP's MIL sounds jealous.

Do you know why she didn't go? Was there a reason? Your DH might not actually be privy to the real reason as she probably wouldn't disclose it to him. Why do you automatically assume this is malicious, op? I am guessing that you have witnessed other signs?

Funny to read the differences in responses. About the MIL I’m assuming she has a major chip on her shoulder and doesn’t feel she belongs or is worthy. My MIL never celebrated one of my ex’s achievements, including his Masters. It’s a them problem and they clearly have issues about how they feel about themselves. Yours, I imagine, won’t come because she’ll feel out of place. Perhaps she has no quals and simply feels she’d be looked down on. Ironically a sign of too much ego and saying it’ll be boring is a deflection technique. Seen it plenty of times. Once you get it, you’ll have a lightbulb moment. Also possible narcissistic tendencies, don’t want the attention on someone else.

My Dad came to mine but I did have to tell him what my degree was in over dinner as he had no idea.

My daughter,s degree masters and ,doctorate plus my granddaughters B,sc and masyers were very proud moments. I atyended every ceremony and couldnt be a prouder Mum and Grandmum.
This woman is small minded and rather ignorant.

Just make sure you go to a really special restraunt and make sure she knows.

I've been to all my children's four graduations (one was a professional qualification through work, not a uni so much smaller) with their aunt and dad at some and we enjoyed them all. I'm surprised at all these people saying they are "boring" and being snobby about it. It is lovely and exciting to see your children celebrating their hard work and it is just a bit of fun.

Yes that’s awful. My son’s recent graduation was one of my proudest days. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

Just make sure she knows what a fantastic time you had without her. And don't invite her anywhere again as "it would be too boring for you" lovely MIL.

I would have loved to attend either of my daughters graduations, but covid put paid to that both times.

They are quite boring and I can see why she didn’t want to go - how old is she, what’s her health like? Sitting on those chairs for a few hours can be incredibly uncomfortable. Op I think you want it to be a bigger deal than your dh’s and his mother. They seem fine - are you stirring with you he sees how good my family are… are you trying to create trouble?

It's pretty poor parenting but TBH I think your DH has a worse dad than he does mum. I don't see why having a new partner meaning he couldn't go once due to a baby and gets a free pass forevermore. It's much harder for MIL to go alone, when everyone else is in pairs or groups, than for FIL to go with his partner.

The brothers not being close, DH making no friends at uni and not going to graduation if his mum wasn't there all points to a family that really struggles socially. It would be great if she went but I think his awkwardness at going alone and then deciding not to go should give him an insight into how she feels.

Well I'm happy for him that he has you and will finally be able to attend a graduation with someone who is genuinely celebrating him.

Graduations aren't the most entertaining events but your supporters aren't supposed to be entertained - their presence symbolises their pride and happiness for you. Apropos of boring in particular I always think you get a good deal if your surname starts with A as you get the raptorous first applause. My surname is towards the end of the alphabet so it was a mere smattering by my turn, everyone's hands are tired with clapping by then!

Not all parents are supportive. Mine came to my first graduation which is something. I invited them to my PGDL one but they didn't even respond (I didn't go either). They are a bit disparaging of "perpetual students". When I became a solicitor I invited them to my qualification ceremony at the Law Society. They said they were coming and in the day they didn't turn up as they "just forgot". Luckily my husband was there and we went for champagne at Tower 42 afterwards. Probably had a better time than if they had turned up with their usual negative comments.

Forget about sourpuss and have a great day celebrating with your DH. 3 degrees is amazing!