MIL refusing to go to DS's graduation

[MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants1]

My DH has just finished a MSc at a prestigious uni and got the top grade. He did this alongside his senior civil service job so he's worked incredibly hard. I'm super proud of him and I know he's really pleased with himself.

MIL was visiting this weekend and I bought up his graduation and asked if she would like to go. She burst out laughing and said "god no, why would I go to something so boring?" DH turned to me and said "told you". This is DH's 3rd degree and his DB also has a degree. She didn't go to one graduation so neither have her sons as they didn't want to go alone.

My DH laughed it off but I feel sad for him. Parents should celebrate their kid's achievements no matter what age. I have lovely memories of my graduations. My parents and grandparents came, we had a wonderful meal.

I will obviously make his graduation really special but AIBU that this is not normal behaviour from a parent?

We had a wonderful time at ds graduation.
we all had a lovely meal afterwards.
Truely a family affair.
your mil sounds a bit immature..

Sitting poolside watching swimming every Saturday is boring.

Standing in the drizzle at Junior Park Run is boring.

Sitting in a draughty gym watching karate belt grading is boring.

Spending 2h in an auditorium watching local "talent" when DD1 has a 5 min piano recital slot is boring.

Listening to DS read facts from the dinosaur "book" he wrote is boring.

Etc.

But I am their mum and having Mummy watching matters to them so I do it. Happily. Can't imagine laughing when one of my children, aged 4 or 44, asked me to come watch something.

I’d wager some deep psychological shit going on here? Chip on her shoulder about not having a degree? Thinks universities are middle class lahdeeedah places full of toffs and won’t fit in?

or something that brings up bad feelings she wants to avoid. Guilt she didn’t go to earlier graduations, anger/resentment because she wishes she’d gone to uni etc ? Something…

Your post mentions people attending first degree graduations and therefore not needing to go to later ones (I’d still go t9 my child’s if I was asked). That’s not relevant in this case. Plus you tell OP to go when it’s quite clear she is!
I agree I’d have gone by myself but that’s not the point here, the point is his mum laughing at the idea she might go to one graduation.

I had three graduations as a young person. My parents had no interest in my education.
They came to one and I had to pay for our celebration dinner myself. Didn't bother with the others. Why, I still dont know but they are never interested in anything I do, unless its negative when they love to gloat..

It still hurts today. There are parents like this. I know they are like this and I'd imagine your dh does too. Dont beg them to go, but you enjoy the day with your family who care.

The response didn’t come across as being from a mother who’s “proud”!

Well since I didn’t attend my own ( multiple ) I don’t see why the only way to celebrate is to go to the formal ceremony

Your poor DH! As you've said though, I would suspect he didn't realise how unsupportive his family is until he met your family. It's great for him to go and experience some support this time.

Sure, grads can be boring, there are a lot of students and obviously, most people just want to see their own student, but it is what it is and it's about recognising their years of effort to get the degree. They don't need a parade, but it's not asking a lot to turn up for your child, or DH in this case, then go out for lunch or dinner as a family afterwards.

The last time one of mine graduated I was only a couple of days post surgery. I was still carrying a drain around with me but DS really wanted me there. I wore black, tried to be inconspicuous and popped the bloody drain container in a nice handbag. I didn't feel great, but I showed up and I know he appreciated the effort.

Your MIL's announcement isn't out of the blue though, because she's never been to either of her son's previous graduations. I do find it bizarre that your MIL didn't at least attend her children's first graduation. After the first time, I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to attend further ones. Has your MIL expressed how well your husband did or that she's proud of him? Or has she been completely dismissive? It rather depends on her attitude towards your husband's achievements. You can't make your MIL attend, and to be honest why would your husband want her there, when she clearly wouldn't want to be? Would she attend a celebration meal? If so, I think that's more important than a ceremony.

Had MIL gone to university?

If DH is shy and didn't make many friends at uni, is MIL similar in personality, so doesn't like big occasions (possibly explain s her comment about your wedding)?

That is hilarious!

This is DH's 3rd degree and his DB also has a degree. She didn't go to one graduation so neither have her sons as they didn't want to go alone.

I find it less surprisng she wasn't keen on going now as her DS is very much in middle age and had a wife to cheer him on - but I do think it really odd she didn't go to the ones when he was early 20s.

My Dad graduated with OU in his 40s - one of the proudest moments of his life - Mum went along to the cermony - we had school - but thinking about it his parents didn't go along or show much enthusiasm about it all.

My parents were proud to come along to my underdauate and master - the master was a year later so I'd been working two years in professional job other end of the country by then but they were still really pleased. I was one course of another degree with OU but life got in the way they weren't as interested then having GC caring responsblities but DH said he'd happily come along. Dh very much hoping to go along to our kids ones - not sure eldest is actually planning on going though.

Mind you one of DH uncles wouldn't go to his son destination wedding - Aunt - IL SIL who they always moan is off doing things by herself - had to go alone. Wasn't a matter of cost he just didn't want to travel. He shows quite a bit of interest in GC though - but then they are very close by if they were like us and IL some distance away not so sure he'd bother.

'No one wanted to go with him' - who did he ask, apart from his mum? And didn't he have any friends on the course? He sounds as if he feels a bit persecuted, but the fact is his mum dislikes ceremonies by the sound of it, and feels free to make her own decisions about what she attends.
I attended my own MA ceremony recently and DH came along to cheer, but it would never have occurred to me to ask a family member - I'm too old for that.

This is irrelevant to the main point. His mum laughed at the suggestion of going to the first ceremony she would have ever gone to. Stop trying to make II the DH’s fault. That he didn’t go to his earlier ones either is beside the point (though I agree, I’d have just gone). It’s his mother’s behaviour that is odd here.

People saying it isn't normal - I think it sounds normal for her. People are complex and have their reasons for their behaviour.

When you said that your DH got his MSC and got top marks my first thought was (and I apologise in advance if this is offensive) so what? And that's just because I know many people who gained top qualifications while working, including myself. I did go to the graduation for my last degree, but only because it gave me a sense of completion. It was actually a bit of a non event. Surely there comes a time in life when we stop seeking our parents' approval?

Well, to be entirely fair, they are boring - except for the 1 minute bit where your dc goes up for their fake rolled up certificate, but I couldn’t imagine not having attended any of DDs’.

She might have laughed because she and everyone else (apart from OP) knows what she's like and that she wouldn't be seen dead at such an event.

Some people are just not into ceremonies. I personally feel very uncomfortable at them. I didn't go to my own graduation and have not regretted it for a second. I would have got married by proxy if that had been possible. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want to celebrate him - there are different ways to do that - it's all fine. You are imposing your own beliefs on her and you should be more flexible.

Initially I was on the MIL's side. I mean she's not wrong is she? Graduations are boring and one is more than enough for anyone. I was thinking for heaven's sake, why would anyone even go to their own third graduation, never mind expect their mother to tag along. But then I realised that the OP's DH didn't attend his first two graduations and I think that does cast a different light on things. I can see why someone would want to experience it once and it's a shame that his mother's attitude has prevented him having the celebrations he might have enjoyed earlier.
I didn't particularly enjoy either my own graduation or my DC's. But I went to mine (well, the first one) because my parents wanted me to and I went to my DC's because they wanted me to. On each occasion I was thinking "Well this is a pile of dull and pretentious shit isn't it?" but I didn't say it, I smiled and clapped for as long as I was required to. The ceremonies themselves meant absolutely nothing to me but they did matter to other people who matter to me, so I played the game.
I've got sympathy for the MIL's opinion on graduations and had she been to the others I would have had some sympathy for her objection to going to yet another one. But she didn't and that's pretty poor. It's one afternoon. I'd expect most parents to be able to tolerate a few hours of boredom if their DC wanted them to be there.

That’s not normal at all. Without any other info (neurodivergence, ptsd, anything???) she sounds vile and I wouldn’t bother I inviting her to anything ever. My MIL/my own Mum/Dad would come to anything I invited them to unless they had a prior commitment. Certainly something as big as a graduation, they’d move plans if possible.
I don’t agree with listers saying graduations are boring either. Not for your own child! You’d surely be proud and excited to see them up there?? My daughter is finishing Rainbows this week and I’m going along to watch her walk through the rainbow and get a die yak award for completing a certain amount of badges. I cannot wait! She’s worked really hard and enjoyed her time there. I’m looking forward to celebrating her. I can imagine feeling just as proud if and when she graduates.

Well yes they are but long winded but you go for a meal and drink afterwards and that bit isn’t boring. She sounds very selfish and she probably won’t change! At least he has you

I too have quite a few degrees and only attended one ceremony, back when I was young. My parents were on no-speaks so my father didn't attend (a blessed relief).

My mother has since died and whilst I know she would have been thrilled for me and wanted to attend my subsequent graduation ceremonies, I barely even mentioning to my father when I'd passed the courses, as all he'd do is moan. He despised education all his life but should have a first class honours and a masters with distinction in Bitching and Moaning.

If your mother-in-law had been otherwise a good and supportive parent to hers sons (my father wasn't), I would just chalk this up to one of her little oddities- you seem to be indicating she wasn't though. But either way, your husband has you now to cheerlead and attend his special events.

Graduation ceremonies are excruciatingly boring even if you're in them, let alone just watching.

And having an elderly dog is a very solid reason for not going away anywhere. Any responsible dog owner would put their own travel plans on hold rather than put an old dog into kennels just to please their DIL.

His parents might well be coal-hearted arseholes as well, but not wanting to do things you think they should want to do isn't evidence of arseholery in itself.

Graduation ceremonies are incredibly boring. I’ve had 3 of them!

But my mum (even though she’s pretty awful in other ways) has sat through all three of them.

I would never miss my dc’s unless they genuinely didn’t want me there or didn’t have enough tickets.

As a parent, we do boring stuff all the time for our children. We know it’s going to be boring as shit. We keep it to ourselves because we love them.

It’s incredibly mean, but I imagine it’s not the first time she’s been like this, especially judging by your dh’s response.

Our DS first degree, the first in our extended family, was a joyous occasion. Yes, there were ‘boring’ bits but champagne and strawberry picnic by the river made up for it.
our daughter graduated in our home town university where we both worked so didn’t have far to go (across campus to the Great Hall).
Having been denied a further education until I was 40 (dad said I was a girl so it would be wasted 🙄) my children’s education was a priority so when they got there my heart was so, so proud. Attending graduations and making a big fuss was one way of expressing that pride.