MIL refusing to go to DS's graduation

[MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants1]

My DH has just finished a MSc at a prestigious uni and got the top grade. He did this alongside his senior civil service job so he's worked incredibly hard. I'm super proud of him and I know he's really pleased with himself.

MIL was visiting this weekend and I bought up his graduation and asked if she would like to go. She burst out laughing and said "god no, why would I go to something so boring?" DH turned to me and said "told you". This is DH's 3rd degree and his DB also has a degree. She didn't go to one graduation so neither have her sons as they didn't want to go alone.

My DH laughed it off but I feel sad for him. Parents should celebrate their kid's achievements no matter what age. I have lovely memories of my graduations. My parents and grandparents came, we had a wonderful meal.

I will obviously make his graduation really special but AIBU that this is not normal behaviour from a parent?

I wouldn't necessarily expect her to attend this graduation, because you're going as his wife and he'll have someone there supporting him.

It's really shitty that she didn't attend the others, though, when he presumably had nobody else who could go. My parents were so incredibly excited about mine that it makes me laugh when I think about it. I was the only one of us to go to university and they were so, so proud and ordered the biggest possible graduation photo.

So his DF didn’t want to go either, not just MIL

How unkind of her. I’d support your husband and make it a lovely day for him. Have some nice photos taken and a meal. Things like that will stay with him.
There was a thread re graduation on here a little while ago and lots of replies were it’s boring. But it’s about supporting and an opportunity to celebrate.
Congratulations to him.
I’d not invite her to things and not go out of my way to see her.

We have often been on holiday in Canterbury at graduation time and it seems to be a great time for the graduate. Parents book their group into places for lunch and make an effort with presumably a new outfit. I hope you all enjoy yourselves .I find MIL's attitude very strange. It is surely a lovely day to arrange, new clothes ,all getting together

Slightly off topic, but do you get more tickets for an MSc than a BA? My kids only got two tickets each!

I have no idea! When I graduated from my BA and MA, I automatically got 2 tickets but you could apply for two more but that wasn't guaranteed. I did get extra tickets both times but my uni was very international so I think a lot of people didn't attend. This was also a long time ago. I think my DH only gets 2.

Each to their own - and they are quite boring. One DS reluctantly attended his undergrad ceremony - DH went to it (largely to take the photos of DS in his gown) and I watched it live online. Same DS didn't go to either his masters or PhD ceremonies. Other DS had an online ceremony during covid and then a "live" one later on, which seems to have been essentially a catch up with friends. We weren't invited and weren't at all offended. We have been to a couple of subsequent job related "graduation" ceremonies for him, which had a different vibe.

The degrees themselves are the important thing; the ceremonies are largely performative.

My DD graduated this year from Bath and her Father my ex would not attend (as he wouldn't sit next to me) so my Mum came instead. We booked an Airbnb and had a couple of days there, the graduation was just wonderful I could not imagine missing out on something that will not happen again. Still there are some miserable folk around - her loss.

I went to my kids first degree graduations but not anything else. I didn’t go to any of mine past my first degree either.

Thank you, I did wonder! When my lot graduated it was strict two ticket limits (one had her ceremony in York Minster, another one in a very small hall) I guess numbers were very critical. So there was only room for me and my ex, the question of inviting others would never have arisen.

When I graduated my mum and my brother came - I think there were only two tickets for that one too - despite the ceremony being in a big location. I was just baffled as to how DGM could attend anyway, if parents were going!

Yeah very weird from MIL

3 degrees is a lot mind, how much at home slack have you had to pick up to enable him to do that.

I don't but I can imagine it wouldn't have even crossed my DH's mind to invite him as he was completely checked out from being a parent to DH by then! We recently invited him and his family to stay (including covering travel costs - between English cities, not abroad) and he said no because their dog is old.

I find graduations tacky and cringeworthy, but your MIL’s reaction was much more classless. Uncouth, actually, for being needlessly rude. Nothing wrong with politely declining.

When you’ve been an HE lecturer as long as I have, you will have sadly seen quite a few students whose family opted not to attend. Watching them see how well other students are supported by the families when no one has bothered to turn up for them is bloody awful. At my uni staff make an effort to spend time with those students before and after the ceremony.

Two of those degrees were long before we met. He's done the recent one over 2 years, primarily by getting up at the crack of dawn at weekends to study. We don't have kids yet so our life didn't change much - occasionally around deadline time I didn't see him much.

I didn't go to my own graduation. Wasn't that bothered - probably because I didn't make any close friends at uni. Also I had just started a new job and it would have meant taking 2 or even 3 days off to allow for travel.

I did go to DC1's. There's absolutely no way I would have missed it. It was very boring though.

I think it was the laughing that annoyed me the most. You're absolutely right. Politely decline would have been okay but laughing is just hurtful.

A generally supportive parent not wanting to attend a third graduation ceremony is one thing (but then theyd have attended at least the first one). But yes I think you're right, this is about your dh realising that both of his parents are fundementally disinterested and a bit shit. Poor guy!

Same here. My parents came to my first degree graduation (I think my mother would have crawled there on her knees, she was so proud!) but I haven't been to any of my (3) higher degree ceremonies as I'd done that thing already.

My brother didn't get his degree until he was 45 (he'd left school with few qualifications, been a coal miner and a soldier and had then transformed his life with learning and a brliiant career) and wasn't going to attend his ceremony until I told him how much I knew Mum would love to go, so he did it for her.

Wild horses wouldn’t keep me away. I‘ve been to one son’s and will of course be at the other’s. Yes they can get a bit wedding photo-y but I wouldn’t miss them for anything.

Sounds like she’s been an emotionally distant kind of mother.

Well done to your dh!

By the time I got to my third degree, I didn't go to my own graduation. I didn't expect anyone except my parents to go to the first 2.

They are so boring. MIL has a point.

You're totally right! It was DH's birthday recently so we had his cards up and I spotted MIL having a nose and looking quite put out from the one from my mum. I don't know where her parenting style came from as her mother is just wonderful and oozes kindness (even now when she's non-verbal!).

I think he does want her to just make one gesture that suggests she's proud -

And she doesn't sound like the sort that will ever do this; at least not spontaneously. This fundamental truth needs accepting by your DH.

It doesn't even necessarily mean she isn't proud in her own way, but she is unlikely to change her spots at this stage. Or, she might just be an unpleasant character who genuinely is so self-centred that she doesn't care.

I remember my Dad at my BA graduation:

"Don't they go on!"

He made it very apparent that he was there for me and wasn't interested in the rest of it, apart from lunch of course. He was up for that, bless him.😁 But the point is, he was there, in his best bib and tucker, whether it was boring or not, because he loved and valued me. I'm not surprised the OP is disappointed by her MiL's attitude, but it seems to be par for the course for that lady's DC - and that's quite sad in itself.

My parents didn’t come to my graduation, having been to my brothers a few years earlier. They made an excuse, but it was a pretty lame one. I pleaded with them, to no avail. So I didn’t go - what’s the point going on my own.

I never, ever, forgave them for that.

But at least your DP will have someone they love and care for at the event, which should mean it is still a special day for them.