MIL refusing to go to DS's graduation

[MonkeyMonkeyUnderpants1]

My DH has just finished a MSc at a prestigious uni and got the top grade. He did this alongside his senior civil service job so he's worked incredibly hard. I'm super proud of him and I know he's really pleased with himself.

MIL was visiting this weekend and I bought up his graduation and asked if she would like to go. She burst out laughing and said "god no, why would I go to something so boring?" DH turned to me and said "told you". This is DH's 3rd degree and his DB also has a degree. She didn't go to one graduation so neither have her sons as they didn't want to go alone.

My DH laughed it off but I feel sad for him. Parents should celebrate their kid's achievements no matter what age. I have lovely memories of my graduations. My parents and grandparents came, we had a wonderful meal.

I will obviously make his graduation really special but AIBU that this is not normal behaviour from a parent?

But he hasn't been to one as no one wanted to go with him.

Honestly, he shd have gone alone.

Sounds like she's not interested in anything where she isn't the centre of attention. Yes graduation ceremonies are boring but I wouldn't have dreamed of not going to my DS's.

I would have thought it was normal if she’d attended the first one. I wouldn’t expect anyone to attend three graduations for the same person!

Graduations are boring and I didn’t want to go to mine either. I don’t think the ceremony is important but recognising someone’s achievement is.

Has she congratulated him? Perhaps invited him out for lunch to celebrate?

Sounds like she’s a classic Mumsnetter of the it’s an invitation not a summons tendency.

Have you not gone?

She said "that's good" to the text my DH sent with his results. She didn't mention it when she was visiting this weekend until I bought it up. She would never invite him out!

I didn't know him for the first 2! I will of course be going to this one in January :)

I only attended my own graduation ceremonies because my parents wanted to celebrate and were proud of me and it was their way of showing it. I did not care one jot about the ceremony itself.

Your DH does care: and as his SO it is perfectly right for you to attend.

His mother has shown herself repeatedly as not interested in viewing the importance or interest in anything through any lens than her own. (She is not of the "showing up is an important life skill" school of thought.) You cannot change other people. Let it go (and your DH should too). She is perhaps not the mother he would have wanted, but you get what you are given.

Go celebrate with him and stop expecting his mother to be someone she clearly isn't.

Usually you only make a big deal out of undergraduate when you’re 22. I wouldn’t expect the same for subsequent degrees in my 30s/40s

its her loss.
Go with your DH and have a lovely day!
whether its ‘boring’ or not probably depends not only on the ceremony itself (some are more interesting than others) but also what sort of person the attendee is. Your MiL has decided it will be boring, so it undoubtedly would bore her. The fact that she doesn’t seem to recognise that ( as with your wedding!) it’s not all about her feelings says something about her.

I think parents should be guided by their DC whether to attend or not. Does your DH really want his mum there?

For Masters and higher awards, it’s relatively unusual for parents to attend if the mature graduate has a partner and/or children. Assuming they want to attend anyway?

I don’t agree - I felt my PhD was significantly more of a big deal than undergrad. Better gown and hat.

The people in my family with phds didn’t attend their ceremony or change their suffix. Just depends on the person. I wouldn’t expect people to go to multiple graduations

I think it's starting to click for DH how unsupportive his family were growing up now that he's seen my family. I think he does want her to just make one gesture that suggests she's proud - doesn't have to be the graduation specifically.

@ErrolTheDragon of course a phd is a bigger deal than undergrad, clue is in the name. I was just saying lots of people have 3 degrees and only attended the first graduation and that’s what is the norm in my family and circle of friends and colleagues.

So it’s not really a big deal?

last year, my daughter, at the age of 38 got her degree and I was proud to go to see her. this year, she achieved her nursing degree, which will be a ceremony at Worcester Cathedral next year. The ceremony will include a reception and though this time we have to buy tickets which are very expensive, nothing will stop me from going. to my delight, my daughter is now a staff nurse in full-time work. I could not be prouder boring it was not, and I do not know why your DH's mother would not like to go

I didn't attend my own graduation and know my parents wouldn't have sat there for hours. For my DC I matched whatever they want to do.
I'm pretty sure DD will want us there when she graduates from her Masters. It's integrated so no BSc after three years, like her friends.

I’m probably weird but I didn’t attend my under grad or doctorate graduation ceremonies. They are boring.

I think some people see it as a badge of honour to be a bit contrary and not go to these things. (ETA Fuck 'em)
I went to my eldest son's and whooped. My younger son went to mine for my masters (eldest was out the country)

I’ve graduated twice. They’re dull, you get a maximum of ten seconds to be recognised for your achievements, and that’s it.

Her response was rude, but not wanting to go isn't unusual. IME a lot of universities have limited spaces and it's common to find only parents can go to the actual ceremony. I also think going to a graduation ceremony is more something most people would do with a young adult at their first degree - I worked at universities for years, and it was much more common to see parents/families there for undergraduates than postgraduates.

Well.. I’d be saying that funerals are boring too, so not a chance I’d be attending hers

what an awful person she is.

Maybe your MIL doesn't realise how important it is to your DH? She should make the effort to attend if he wants her there, imo, but has he actually let on that it bothers him?

From what the op has said, it doesn’t sound like DH’s mother is the empathetic type. No doubt he has learned throughout his life to keep his feelings to himself, so it’s unlikely that as a married adult he is suddenly going to lay them bare to an unresponsive mother, a mother who laughs at the very notion of attending her son’s graduation…