DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

CMOTDibbler · 2025-07-15T13:55:57+00:00

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty. He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August. I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall. I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially. So, any advice? WWYD?

Todaystoast · 15/07/2025 15:16

Sounds like he's bad at studying but fine at working. He's going to be okay. What is he like to live with? Do you have other children?
I'd make it clear you will not be funding a degree again. Assuming he is a reasonable housemate, I'd say he can stay living with you until he's 21 (or whatever age you expect to support other children until), as long as he's working and contributing financially (this could be a token amount depending on what works for your family).
The girlfriend can stay until August but then has to go.
Don't try to punish him. You can't really now he's an adult. I can see why you'd be angry and frustrated though.

Pancakeflipper · 15/07/2025 15:19

Have you asked him what his plans are?

Sometimes we need to fail to find the right thing. Hope this is the start of him finding what he really wants to do.

And I'd be annoyed at the wasted money too.

Stormroses · 15/07/2025 15:20

Take a deep breath. He is working. Major plus. He has a girlfriend. Also a positive life stage. He is launching into adult life, but not in the way you assumed.

If this were my child, I'd want a very calm, very loving and thorough conversation about why he felt he had to lie to you, about A levels and again about uni. Does he think your love and support is conditional on academic success? I'd make it 100% clear my love had nothing to do with grades. And 100% clear that I believe success, happiness, stability in life can be achieved in myriad ways, not just via one narrow academic pathway. I'd listen to why he lied and ask how you can both avoid this in the future.

Then ask about his job, his girlfriend. Maybe suggest they give you some money towards CoL now he's earning. If you can afford to, put it in an account for him, for later.
Then just let him enjoy his life. So long as he's working, socialising and has some motivation for life, he's okay. A degree isn't for everyone. Better to learn that after one year than incur three years of debt, lies and lack of progression.

minnienono · 15/07/2025 15:22

Not everyone is suited to academic study, others struggle to manage deadlines etc (me) and prone to putting things off (me) but with maturity you can be in a better position to study later on. He needs to get a permanent job, girlfriend goes home as planned in august and he pays you 1/3 of wages as bed and board, with one months grace for first month to clear any outstanding overdraft
(if you choose to save this money secretly for him for later fair enough but to teach responsibility i would not trust him to save it himself)

I know many who had to restart, change course or even university, some went to work and later completed university part time funded by employer

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/07/2025 15:23

It's crap but if he's working then that's what he should look to continue in some way. Some people find studying very stressful.

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/07/2025 15:25

It's great that he's doing well at work. I think work with him to find a non-uni path, at least for now, clearly studying is not for him for whatever reason. If his career does turn out to need a degree, he can do one later once he's a bit more mature.

Snorlaxo · 15/07/2025 15:25

Clearly he should have gone into a job after A-levels but I guess it was your money so he didn’t care about wasting it. I hope that you’re not giving money any more bar the obvious like paying the mortgage.
I would encourage him to keep on going at work, set some rules for living at home and say that if he wants to live with gf then he needs to save and move out. End of August is a very long stretch - even if you have the space. Make sure that they know that they pay for food, car insurance or whatever and you expect them to do stuff like keep their room clean and do their laundry.
My son was much better at work than education and it made him more mature. Hopefully it has the same effect on yours too.

flipent · 15/07/2025 15:29

I did this - it wasn't through malice, I didn't enjoy the academic route but I was not given the option to go straight to work.
The finance side was slightly different, I had student loans - which were my responsibility to pay back (and I have).

If he has good work ethic, then let him find a career and work his way up. I have a very successful career and no degree. I just wish I had not been told that I 'had' to go to uni in the first place!

OurBeautifulBaby · 15/07/2025 15:30

There’s so many parents on here furious at their kids not doing as they expect of them.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/07/2025 15:33

He’s good at holding down a job and grafting. He’ll be fine. He can work his way up in an industry he’s interested in instead.
What does he enjoy doing?

chatgptsbestmate · 15/07/2025 15:33

Help him find a permanent FT job
GF can stay til the end of August then bye bye
Discuss how much he'll pay for his board and lodging
Discuss how he'll repay the money you gave him for his year at uni

purplecorkheart · 15/07/2025 15:34

What kind of work is he doing? What kind of career does he want to do? There is really no point in going nuclear. It is not going to change anything. I do think that the girlfriend staying until the end of August will be a huge strain given the circumstances. Could she not return home for a few weeks?

dogcatkitten · 15/07/2025 15:35

Can he talk to the college see if he can repeat the year? Tell them his sob story whatever it is. Sometimes they can be sympathetic, can he get any documentation to support his story? Or you could ring up the student support and see if you can get someone on side if he's too embarrassed.

Honon · 15/07/2025 15:38

I get it's wasted money but I wouldn't say he has "nothing" . He's learnt it's not for him, at least not right now, and that working is a better route where he can achieve.

If you've agreed the girlfriend can stay until the end of August then you can't throw her out now, you'd be punishing her as well as him, potentially ending his relationship, and that will do a lot of damage to your relationship with him.

Focus on helping him to get a job.

Whosenameisthis · 15/07/2025 15:39

Why can’t his work be permanent?

you don’t say “isn’t” permanent so I infer it’s not a temporary job, so why “can’t” it be permanent? is it not good enough for him/you?

I got that as a teen- “you can’t do x job forever” meaning they thought it wasn’t good enough long term.

there’s nothing wrong with working, whatever the role. Whether he does it for a few years until he figures out his long term plans, or he makes a career out of it.

sounds like uni wasn’t for him, and probably best he leaves now when he’s only one year in debt.

Luckyingame · 15/07/2025 15:43

It isn't his girlfriend's fault.
It really isn't.
So don't take your anger and frustration at her.

OnlyTheBravest · 15/07/2025 15:47

Contrary to popular belief, university is not for everyone. Your DC has found that at this moment it is not right for him. Better to find out after Yr1 than at the end of the degree.

Your DC does sound like a grafter and has the skills to hold down a job. He will be OK. The job market is tough, so he may need to some help to find a permanent role.

Take a moment and when you are ready have a calm, sit down chat with him about his plans for the future.

Make it clear that the GF is not staying permanently and that he is welcome to stay providing he finds a job and contributes to the household e.g. Cooking, washing. Be very clear about your expectations and what your boundaries are, as your DC is no longer a child but a young adult.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 15/07/2025 15:58

My stepson did exactly this (except he lied for 3 years and didn't tell us that the had been kicked out after the first year).

It is good that he is good at working as he will be fine and have very little student debt.

It will work out for the best.

Stormroses · 15/07/2025 15:59

OnlyTheBravest · 15/07/2025 15:47

Contrary to popular belief, university is not for everyone. Your DC has found that at this moment it is not right for him. Better to find out after Yr1 than at the end of the degree.

Your DC does sound like a grafter and has the skills to hold down a job. He will be OK. The job market is tough, so he may need to some help to find a permanent role.

Take a moment and when you are ready have a calm, sit down chat with him about his plans for the future.

Make it clear that the GF is not staying permanently and that he is welcome to stay providing he finds a job and contributes to the household e.g. Cooking, washing. Be very clear about your expectations and what your boundaries are, as your DC is no longer a child but a young adult.

I agree with this, except the 'plans for the future' bit. He has a job and a girlfriend. So long as he is pulling his weight at home wiht jobs and paying his way a bit, that is enough for now.

I might nudge someone with no job or who never socialised and had no relationship. But often at this very young stage in adulthood, they don't yet have plans for the future. They need a bit of processing time to figure out what those plans might be. My DS had a year working in a bar. Towards the end of that year he knew what he wanted. At the start, he didn't. It's okay for them to figure it out as they go along without having a clear pathway. Some do have one, but many don't and for those who don't it is such an unnecessary stress to be asked what those plans are all the time by anxious adults who seem to have a secret agenda of what a 'good' plan would look like.

Reallybadidea · 15/07/2025 16:01

OurBeautifulBaby · 15/07/2025 15:30

There’s so many parents on here furious at their kids not doing as they expect of them.

Oh come off it, that's not what the OP said. No decent parent has their child flunk out of university and isn't upset and worried.

Original poster

CMOTDibbler · 15/07/2025 16:08

He can't stay in the job he is in as it is only a temp over the summer thing, and there isn't a permanent post - and yes I know for sure as DH is in charge there. Its a great job, and if he'd said he didn't want to go to uni I would have been perfectly happy for him to do that.
The GF has no job, no study and does zero round the house (inc doing things that benefit only them). It was a massive ask for her to be here for 12 weeks in the first place. I think she thinks he can work and they get their own flat, even though she'd need a visa to stay.
I have no idea what he plans to do, that's the first thing to talk about this evening really.

OP posts:

Clockworkchocolateorange · 15/07/2025 16:12

Stormroses · 15/07/2025 15:20

Take a deep breath. He is working. Major plus. He has a girlfriend. Also a positive life stage. He is launching into adult life, but not in the way you assumed.

If this were my child, I'd want a very calm, very loving and thorough conversation about why he felt he had to lie to you, about A levels and again about uni. Does he think your love and support is conditional on academic success? I'd make it 100% clear my love had nothing to do with grades. And 100% clear that I believe success, happiness, stability in life can be achieved in myriad ways, not just via one narrow academic pathway. I'd listen to why he lied and ask how you can both avoid this in the future.

Then ask about his job, his girlfriend. Maybe suggest they give you some money towards CoL now he's earning. If you can afford to, put it in an account for him, for later.
Then just let him enjoy his life. So long as he's working, socialising and has some motivation for life, he's okay. A degree isn't for everyone. Better to learn that after one year than incur three years of debt, lies and lack of progression.

Edited

Very good advice

beetr00 · 15/07/2025 16:12

@CMOTDibbler are you sure he can't go back?

He would, generally, have been given the opportunity to resit/re-take failed modules.

Perhaps even over the summer break.

However, if his girlfriend is here for an extended break, over summer, may be he just isn't keen.

If he has now decided to work full time, if you wish, would you be averse to asking for a contribution towards his first year expenses?

Ohmygodthepain · 15/07/2025 16:14

Can he resit?

Does he WANT to resit?

If not he needs to start paying his (and his gf's) way at home, immediately.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/07/2025 16:18

The girlfriend who does nothing is a secondary problem and you need to try and put that to one side whilst you deal with your DS and what happens next.
it sounds like there's no point in trying another course at a different uni, so it's going to be about getting a job. At least he will hopefully get a reference from where he's working now to say he shows up and works and isn't bone idle for his first proper job.

regarding the girlfriend I'd let her stay as you originally agreed and go home or wherever at the end of August. I would certainly be discouraging your son from renting a flat for them both becoming her meal ticket which it sounds like you're concerned about anyway.