DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

So if she doesn't work how is she planning on travelling to you and is she expecting you/ him to fund her stay?

It’s the lying that is worst. I’ve seen it happen with family. Some boys of 18 are as mentally mature as 13/14 year old girls and really are too young for uni. He’s probably been worried all year

First tell him you love him unconditionally. Then tell him how disappointed and hurt you are about his lying. Then find out whether he’s done nothing all year, or submitted some work/attempted exams. If the former, advise a working gap year. If the latter advise he (with or without your help), contact the uni about study/resit, so he can be certificated for what he’s done. Then a working gap year.

You do have to keep onside with his girlfriend, who sounds immature but may be the love of his life. If he decides on resits, encourage her to go home and come visit after he’s sat them.

I think he’ll be fine, some of my best students were mature students making the most of a second chance. He’ll have a year of doing grunt work, earning some money, doing some growing up and have space to work out his chosen path.

Let him know you’re there for him, whatever he decides and he’s welcome to use you as a sounding board anytime.

I failed my first year of uni and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It shocked me into needing to get a job. I did, I made it a career and I did well. I went back to uni and graduated for my 40th. When I failed my parents were amazing. They talked me through lots of career options and said they would house me but only support me if I worked in something that had a future. Good luck, this could be the making of him.

Apprenticeship is the way to go, and probably best to act quickly as the Labour government is narrowing most applicant eligibility to 16-21s.

I also don't need to tell you the GF is a bad influence, and the 'not doing anything around the house' a real red flag. Time for a deadline I think...

Sending 💐to you CMOT. One issue to mix into the other good advice is that unfortunately the job market for young people is not very strong at the moment. So he may not get something else immediately when the summer jobs ends ... but this is less for you to say to him than for you yourself to keep at the back of your mind in case there is a period of joblessness after his summer job ends. For him it is probably more a case of starting already with the job applications. At the moment, any job for a young person is potentially a good job!

Almost the same here. I wasn't truly ready for University until I was 26-27. I suspect a lot of youngsters aren't, really.

But when I did go to University, I did it part-time, linked to my career (although I paid for all of it), then I did a Masters, doctorate, professional exams, etc.

I didn't finish study until I was around 43 😂all self-funded on a fairly low-to-mid-level public sector salary. You just have to pace it around family etc.

So, @CMOTDibbler don't lose heart at this point. He's not ready, that's clear, but there will be future options for him, hopefully linked to an real job/career.

The main issue right now appears to be the GF, and I'm afraid you'll need a cunning plan to deal with that little problem... good luck.

One thing I'd be definitely saying is that he is not to have a gap year now. That was his gap year and he squandered it.

If his girlfriend is creating problems, tell her she has to go home. Her dad won't want your son visiting if he's failed his exams, so don't worry about him going over there. That girl sounds incredibly rude and disruptive - I'd tell her she had to leave.

Apprenticeship

How funny, I'm doing my PhD now. I just wasn't ready and needed some life experience that I could bring to education.

Re she doesn't even have a bank card/ credit card that works here

Total bullshit, if she has PayPal she can definitely set up an international bank account like Wise or Revolut. This would instantly give her a digital debit card to use via her phone, and for £5-7 she'd get a physical card too. Cheaper currency conversion rates than PayPal, too.

They need to move out. They only get to live together when they can afford it.

Good luck! It will be a crazy rollercoaster of hard work and mental torment 😂but you will, I'm sure, succeed in the end. And it will add value to your work in all sorts of obvious and less obvious ways.

I've worked in universities for 20 years, teaching and examining at many of the major unis in the UK and I have never known a course where failing any/all modules on a first attempt in the first year was endgame. Usually you have a resit attempt in the summer, and then one more the following year. So this doesn't ring entirely true.

He has a job which means he'll have some experience to look for the next one.
University isn't for everyone. I trained as a nurse, but I lived a little first, did some travelling and got some life experience. I went to uni at 27, and by the end of the course it was mostly the mature students that went on to qualify. The youngsters that started the course generally dropped out after the first year. Maybe work/life experience is what he needs.

My DD lies constantly she is 19 it is draining! I do not believe one word she says which makes trust and understanding so difficult. I have no advice but just thought I would comment and say I am with you and have some comprehension of how upset and angry you are.

The one thing I would be saying is the GF does not stay rent free, if she has no money she contributes with chores - starting tomorrow!

It’s not the end of the world OP. Ages 16-25 are a social moratorium. To be old and wise you first need to be young and daft. By all means read the riot act but then let him figure it out. Degrees are overrated these days anyways. Huge expense and for most ultimately for little gain. There’s no wrong route to success so look for the positives. He’s working, not on hard drugs, has a steady GF and came clean eventually. He probably doesn’t feel great about it either. If he’s like this in late 20s and 30s different but he’s still young.
I tried all kinds of roles, courses, jobs etc in the social moratorium phase and learned some great lessons in each one. With 4IR on the horizon problem solving skills and resilience be best skills young ones can master.

Both me and my DH left our first year of university (he was kicked out, I panicked because I hadn't been doing my work or attending lectures and left).

My parents offered advice when I asked for it and told me if I chose not to study the next year I'd need a job. There was no guilt trip and they helped me rationalise that this was a tiny blip in the grand scheme of things.

My DH's parents shouted and stomped about, they made him feel stupid and guilty then railroaded him into another course he didn't want to do.

My relationship with my parents stayed solid and we are really close now. My DH had a terrible relationship with his parents for a few years. It gradually got better, but they're still not super close (probably due to more reasons than just this tbf).

Both me and DH are successful now. It wasn't the end of the road despite what his parents might have thought. If they had just calmed down and stopped trying to take over they could have saved themselves a lot of trouble.

Not quite accurate. Level 7 apprenticeships will be subject to an age cap but the others are not.

He might be allowed a retake year, not August/September resits if he has non submissions on his record - that’s our rule. OP, I would ask to see his results message so you know exactly what the situation is.

However, as a first year course lead I have seen this situation all too often and it hardly ever improves in a retake year.

If he has behaved very irresponsibly and was also doing this at school then I think HE is not for him, or at least, not at this stage. He needs to get a job and get working. He might have matured in a few years.

And yes? I would not be happy about the gf situation either.

Before you go down the route that uni really isn't for him, I'd not write that off at all, but I wouldn't go rushing back without sorting out what really went wrong.

I was your son 20+ years ago. I went told my parents everything was wonderful, I was just desperate to make them proud. I failed my first year - huge shock to my parents - scraped getting back in to second year with retakes, but it got worse and I left in the second. The reasons - a real combination. Anxiety was a big one, I was absolutely petrified of the professors. I didn't turn up to lectures, I was always really scared of going in late. I also just couldn't get my arse out of bed in the morning on time (I still struggle to get to work on time). Sometimes it was as simple as that. I'd come from a really nurtured environment where I was bright enough that if I just went to the lesson I got it, so I never actually learnt how to study at school. When I got to uni, I had no self-discipline and just didn't know how to push through if something was hard - I'd never had to do it before. And, I did piss about getting drunk etc too. So some of it was me being immature, not understanding how to study by yourself, and some of it was some pretty serious mental health stuff - I did a lot of self-harm, felt very suicidal a lot of the time.

I changed uni & course, but unfortunately while I didn't piss about getting drunk I still had too much anxiety and came home a real mess with a total loss of confidence. Two more years of uni without a degree. I felt such a failure.

Eventually I got my degree through the Open university. I got a top 1st.
Then I got my masters from Oxford. I got a distinction.

I was, and am, very academic. I just didn't know how to function at uni.

My degree has opened up my career now, and I wouldn't be where I am without it. I'm incredibly proud of having tried and failed twice and still not given up.

I don't know why I'm sharing - just to say, don't write it off if he wants to give it another go.

I mean, just be honest with him.

It’s one thing failing university but it’s another thing to lie about it, why doesn’t he feel he can be honest or come to his family for support? I would unpack that first, as he’ll only keep lying otherwise.

It’s disappointing that he failed university but it’s not the end of the world. The person this will impact the most is him ultimately so I would try not to be angry about that, but for the lying. If he left university sooner, you could have supported him and had a refund for the fees incurred depending on when he left.

I don’t think it’s appropriate for his GF to be staying with you under the circumstances, it’s just adding extra strain on a strained relationship.

If you have the funds to, maybe pay for them to get a cheap Airbnb for a few weeks then they can decide whether she flies home early or he pays for a flat for them. But something seems like he’s having his cake and eating it too, that he can tell extravagant lies to you and be rewarded with sex on tap from his gf that’s staying over and has nowhere else to go. Like would you have said yes to her staying, had you been told the truth?

I'd tell him that he needs to provide food and toiletries for his girlfriend and himself and he needs to start contributing to household costs.

He's got to learn the hard way I'm afraid.

Gah, why do people post ChatGPT responses??

Where does it say either or both parents pushed him into uni? Have you been polishing that crystal ball?

My DS did this, he really wasn't suited to uni but thanks to his father who felt a 'degree is vital' 🙄 he ended up studying a subject he hadn't applied for, as his A level results weren't good enough to get on the course he wanted.

Anyway, he left, got a job doing something he loves and is very, very happy. He has a great work ethic & he's a bit of a workaholic but he's happy & THAT'S what counts.
He definitely takes after me in that respect and not his father, who retired aged 59 and spends his days "hobbying". 🤣🤣🤣

To me it sounds like something is going on with him. Why did he not engage in the course? Not interested? Wanted to do something different? Not sure what he wants to do? Too hard? Imposter syndrome? Lonely? Depressed? Perfectionist? You need to get to the bottom of things. The ‘I’m not bothered’ kind of attitude is usually a cover for fear of some kind. Why do you think he lied to you? Does he feel embarrassed? Not want to disappoint you? Overwhelmed? There’s a lot to unpack here. You say he’s not socialising and it sounds like he is gaming a lot which isn’t great for mental health. Good luck.