DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

@CMOTDibbler And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.

Women don't care as to whether their prospective partners work or study, which is why this woman still selected DS for a relationship. So on that basis, I think your DS doesn't have much to be concerned about as he will still find partners easily.

I'm not going to sort this out for him, he needs to do that himself.
Has he been spoilt? Well, maybe. He hasn't been brought up in wealth, thats only changed the last few years for us, but DH and I were so pleased that we could let him study and come out without debt (we both had minimal family support). He was offered having a gap year to work, but decided against that himself.
He met the GF online gaming during A levels. She lives in N America, and apparently in a house owned by her father which she gets housemates for and I think that covers her living costs basically. Sending him there obv not an option.

First understand why…
first.. before berating, before going nuclear, before taking any other action. Without this you only have half the story.

Listen to him, to understand, not to judge.

Then tell him, ‘thank you for explaining, I really appreciate your honesty, it’s a lot to think about. Shall we leave it a day or two and then chat again?’

end of.. give yourselves both space to process what he tells you. Then when you talk again, a new plan will form that you can all work on (including the GF).

This will reduce the chance he will lie to you next time. That’s my advice.

I agree with others GF is a sep issue to be dealt with separately - she may end up a DIL so don't go blowing that out of the water.

I think you need to put your anger aside, sit down with him and go through the options with him - f/t employment, an apprenticeship, or?? but I would be clear on what he has cost you for the year, that you expect full contributions going forward (to household etc) both financial and chores/involvement in what is happening in the house.

With regard to cost to you for the year - I think this needs to be pointed out to him and how when you expect this sort of contribution then you need to take responsibility and ownership and be answerable for cocking things up. This may or may not involve paying you guys back at least some of it.

I think the issue re Girlfriend staying all summer needs to be addressed sep and directly saying that its not reasonable to expect to stay with no contribution and if ££ isn't possible it needs to be worked of otherways such as chores, cooking, errands etc. There well may be an issue with her working around visa's etc and what is she doing after August?

Having said all that I remember well other students at college when I was that completely fluffed a year and resat the whole thing - so there is a discussion that could be had about what caused this and why and how he could change the narrative if he did go back and you supported that.

Can you go away for the evening or night and get some space? You've been way more restrained that I would be in that suitation.

Is there such a thing as a council careers service anymore? Or any friends or family who might talk to him about next steps?

I'd give him a month to find a permanent job, start charging him rent and encourage the girlfriend to go home early (if her ticket can be changed), your DS needs a hard dose of reality to grow up and you can't do it for him.

Why do you need to put up with the GF? That would make me go Armageddon.
She can get a room like anyone else.

Sending him there obv not an option

Why not? He is not a child.

Stop funding him, he will have to find his own path, but you can't control that.

But the OP's son isn't gaming, he is working. And if he has good work experience from this summer, he'll get another job in the autumn, even if it's something different. Maybe he can get a seasonal Christmas job.

The girlfriend will be gone in a few weeks and presumably can't come back without a job offer. So then he will get on with his life.

Maybe a degree apprenticeship would suit him better if he can find one. Or a lower level apprenticeship.

I agree, but I guess it's the lying about it. I can understand why someone would lie if they are being supported by parents though - it's a hard thing to admit you've stuffed up. But he will grow up and get over it.

The GF IS the problem.

She's taking the piss and her attitude is possibly a contributing factor to why he flunked out.

The trouble is, if you boot her, he'll flake even more.

But she does need a very firm kick up the arse. If she has no work or study then surely she's actually in breech of her existing visa or outstayed it? What is her current legal status?

I'd give him a month to find a permanent job, start charging him rent and encourage the girlfriend to go home early (if her ticket can be changed), your DS needs a hard dose of reality to grow up and you can't do it for him.

I agree with this. I mean I think you were mad allowing the GF to stay for 12 weeks (12!!!) free but never mind.

He needs to be paying rent for both him and her, if he can't afford that she goes home.

I wouldn't go nuclear, I'd just state that Uni clearly isn't for him so what are his future plans and how is he going to pay you back at least some of the fees that you have given him. I'd have more sympathy for him if he hadn't repeatedly lied.

I would be mad that he lied op more than he messed up. Possibly to many distractions with gf, socialising etc. I studied later in life and that wasn’t easy. Is he shocked or not surprised it’s come to this. I think you need a chat without the gf there. Perhaps he would be better in work/apprenticeship. I wouldn’t be funding him to do more studies. He can fund himself when he is old enough. This may be the wake up call he needs to try harder in life.

Hang on - where exactly did the OP say that her ds didn't want to go to uni? Why are you assuming that it was something 'expected of him'?

@RedToothBrush she is on a holiday visa, so here legally atm. I think she is a massive problem, and part of the reason we agreed to her staying was on the principle that it didn't then push them into the 'your parents hate me, they are so unreasonable' etc pattern.

You’re enabling him OP, you need to set aside your embarrassment - hes an adult responsible for his actions. You haven’t mentioned if he plans to go back to uni? I’m guessing here but you’re worried if he doesn’t then you feel he has nothing and could end up just drifting?

Talk to him as though he’s an adult, you should do this sooner rather than later and without the GF. He needs to do the talking, it’s important you don’t provide the solution as he will simply blame you in the future. In this scenario the money would stop, if he goes back to uni he needs to get a student loan (we could have afforded to pay DCs fees but theyve taken loans as I wanted them to take responsibility). I would be making the message that you are there to support but the drive and solutions need to come from him. If he wants to leave that’s fine but he needs to outline what he’ll be doing instead.

OP I hope you don’t see this first year fail as a reflection of you, do not go down the road of continual bailing out. Let him sort it, I’m willing to bet you’ve supported and encouraged, he’s now just taking advantage.

She hasn't got a visa has she? She's just on a tourist visa waiver isn't she?

You say North America - I'm assuming Canada. So the only visa he can currently get to go there would be a young persons one - and he needs to have enough money in the bank to apply for one which I suspect he probably doesn't have. If its the USA its much harder.

How long before she has to leave the country? She'll have a max of 180 days in a year.

The relationship won't last. Not if he doesn't up his game and she doesn't sort her shit out. Its just not going to happen. They don't have the right mindset. Thats your leverage btw.

The big danger here is if she gets pregnant....

I don't care if my kids hate me. Try it, it's liberating! I am not their friend.

They either study or work in my house. If they want partners, they move out.

You’re going to ‘go nuclear’? How embarrassing. What a dick move. Good luck with that one.

You don’t sound approachable OP, talking about going nuclear and kicking his girlfriend out. You also knew he was unreliable with coursework and yet funded the degree, so you need to take some personal responsibility for that, that was your choice. Of course he also needs to take responsibility, but it just sounds like you want to flip out at him. Own and process your anger before you try to talk to him.

I would cancel the girlfriend, or cut her visit short and make it at the end of the summer if ( and only if) he pulls his finger out and gets either a permanent job or something else organised for September.

she is on a holiday visa, so here legally atm. I think she is a massive problem, and part of the reason we agreed to her staying was on the principle that it didn't then push them into the 'your parents hate me, they are so unreasonable' etc pattern.

I see this so much on MN, so many parents scared that if they have boundaries (even if they're perfectly reasonable boundaries) their children will go NC. I find it crazy, I would hope that if I've bought my DD up to be a decent person, she won't try to emotionally blackmail me.

Make it clear it's nothing to do with not liking her. This is all on him.

Ask the difficult question.

So darling, what are your future plans for your relationship? You have thought about the Visa implications and how, regardless of how you do it you are going to seriously going to have to get off your arse and earn money to make it work.

He either doesn't and he ultimately will get shot of her or he does and hes actually got off his arse and ultimately thats good for him.

Both scenarios are favourable to your desired outcome.

Thats your nuclear - talk about visas not kicking her out.

It may have changed, but you used to get four years funding. That way you'd still have three years of funding to complete a different degree or retake a failed year.

I taught in a uni for 10 years. It's very unusual to fail a whole year. I only saw that a handful of times among hundreds of students.

Has he been failing assessments all though the year? Was no one offering feedback sessions to help do better next time?

He must have passed his A levels though? How did he go from missing coursework and them not going well, to passing and getting into uni?

Tell him he needs to drop out and get a full time job. There is no point him continuing because it's not going to get any easier than the first year.

This will probably be music to his ears as it doesn't sound like he really wants to be there and perhaps went out of a sense of pressure or expectation.