DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

Why are you tagging me?

To highlight the op's update that they have gone to Canada so they can't sit at the dining table together.

You'd feel worse if he burnt himself out studying trying to be a high achiever and suicidal. He knows uni isn't for him now, maybe he could get a job through an apprenticeship? He might end up travelling with his girlfriend.

His money will soon run out and relationships can get very strained by lack of money. So he may well be back before February, although he can renew his passport from abroad. He could also apply for an extended Visa as the partner of a Canadian citizen.

Wish him luck, tell him the door is open if he decides to return.

Might it be that he did not make friends? Did he struggle with independent living? Was the course different from what he expected? Maybe he is not yet mature enough to handle the independent study. I think you must insist he gets a job if he is not going back to Uni. Maybe he could work for a couple of years and then try again. The Open University does not insist on prior qualifications to take their courses, he could work over a maximum of six years, and maybe work part-time. There is no age limit, and it’s never too late (I graduated at age 61). I have a disability and the OU were really helpul in getting equipment to help overcome difficulties, including taking an exam at home. Some courses don’t require an exam, the cousework and a final assignment. I hope things work out for yo and DS.

Apprenticeship if he likes working. They can be just as good as a degree in some jobs once completed.

To highlight the op's update that they have gone to Canada so they can't sit at the dining table together.

I know that. I've RTFT. The cancel the cheque quip is something long time MNetters might get.

I'll get me coat.

It is difficult to apply for any kind of residency visa if you are on a basic visitor visa waiver.

The point of a visa waiver is you haven't got a visa. You've bypassed the visa system. Therefore you can't change the type of visa you are on, because you havent got one.

Typical you need to leave a country and apply for a visa - you can't get a visa once you are in a country. You can only extend or transfer a visa once you have entered a country on a visa.

If you have no visa to alter you have to go back to square 1 and start the process from scratch.

Immigration never take well to trying to circumnavigate the system. And this is why this lad is so daft.

He easily could have applied for a young persons visa which would have allowed him to work. He chose not to do that. He's not thought about the long term or the practicalities of visas at all.

That's where he will ultimately become unstuck and end up in a right mess - possibly making the continuation of his relationship impossible. And he's done that all by himself. No need for Mum to mess it up for him.

I think the OP shouldn't raise the subject of visas now. Let him work it out for himself as it'll force him to take responsibility.

The danger is he ends up getting himself deported for immigration violations which will affect his ability to enter multiple countries.

He's end up back at home one way or another, because he's not thought it through and he's not going to like reality when it comes and bites him on the bum. Which it will.

OP just needs to be patient because he's not prepared to listen at this point so she'd be wasting her breathe anyway.

Posters telling the OP to "insist" he get a job....you can't make him if he doesn't want to. There are lots of young men sitting at home, doing nothing. The parents don't know what to do. It is very difficult to "throw" your child out, especially as they probably have nowhere to go.

Imo OP is in a tricky situation. If her son dies come back, tail between legs or not, the emphasis needs to be on helping him with the next step but recognising the potential for difficulties.

He got to uni…so presumably he eventually settled down to A levels and passed them. My son had mental health issues his final year of uni and had to repeat it. I’m surprised your son is out of uni altogether. Maybe he doesn’t want an academic life. If he’s doing well at work presumably he can knuckle down when required. The lies are disappointing, but he’s lied for a reason. Are you trying to mould him into what you want, not what he wants? Can you discuss it with him in a caring way? And tbh…why take it out on his girlfriend? Don’t you like her? Though is he lying to her too?

@CMOTDibbler - I’ve only just seen this. I’m so sorry. What a shit situation. Let me know if a long overdue meet up would help.

My son didn’t finish his dissertation and didn’t go back for the last term. It’s his life, not our decision. He’s now an accountant in a big corporation which wasn’t what he was studying and is really happy. Only thing we said is that he has to pay us back the money we spent…obviously we didn’t enforce it but it showed us he was serious

It’s rubbish, but to be honest, I would wonder why he didn’t feel able to trust you with the truth. Well I’m not really wondering. Your talk about “going nuclear” and throwing his innocent girlfriend out when clearly this stay has been pre-approved and organised shows that you are temper prone & unpredictable.

He is clearly not work shy and is also in a committed relationship. I suspect you’re the problem.

Oh do read the update!

This "no consequence" attitude is cultivated over time. It's not his attitude. He learned it from somewhere and discovered that lying is rewarding until it isn't.

Fess up to yourself. You've done your job, he's a grown hairy ar553d man and pretty soon you're gonna be grandma... all under your own roof.

Time to get him out the country and into the military. Best thing you can do for him now. It may save his life and he will learn stuff. They may educate him free of charge and he sure as bears sh*t in the woods will learn what happens to men who do not take responsibility for their words and actions.

He msg come back with a degree but probably not a baby (which he may well do in the next 9 months).

So give him a choice: military or his own house worth his gf and...
You are done parenting him. He's majority age, must join majority now.

Tough love. Hurts like hell for a while but the thanks come back in years to come for a lifetime.

To the negative Nellie poster who said failing and dropping out won’t do him any good you are wrong. I am a senior manager in the civil service if he gets a job , which will be based on how he performs on the selection process and nothing to do with dropping out of uni then he will be encouraged to do an apprenticeship . Stay positive OP

Sounds like uni wasn’t for him, if he is good at working why not look for an apprenticeship or just get a job. No point in going to uni if they aren’t self motivated. You are annoyed but in reality he probably went because he thought that was what you wanted, and lied because he thought you would give him a hard time. Have a conversation about how disappointed you are that he felt he couldn’t tell you the truth then move on, unless you don’t want him in your life.

Anyone else playing Apprenticeship Bingo?

Are you American? Brits don't tend to have that kind of relationship with "the military".

Please don’t tell him to pack up and leave. I used to worry like mad about my very clever but lazy at school son. He dropped out of uni after one term .A woman at work was great as was my mum and step mum telling me he’d find his way and he did. He’s now in his thirties, never went back to studying but has a good job in an area he had always been passionate about. He sometimes mentions studying now and has happily done training courses at work. It is their life to live after all and we can only guide them. If he’s working and not lying around all day you’re fine.