DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

It's quite common for students to drop out or change course. Sometimes they don't like the course. Often they know they're struggling, probably won't do well and just cut their losses.

In my experience (10yrs teaching), failing a whole year is unusual. We had ongoing assessments, feedback sessions, one to ones for students to go through their marks with is and iron out any issues. We were assigned groups of students and were their contact point for that module.

Maybe our set up wasn't typical? I worked in the same uni that I went to, so that's all I can speak on. It would have been nearly impossible to fail everything throughout the year and still be there at the end of it.

Baffled at the suggestion of praising him for the summer job.
Why are we all so worried our kids will go NC?
I don't know any teen who has gone NC wt parents, not least because they can't afford to live on their own.

Why can't he go back? Can't he resist the exams in August?

I think he is an adult free to live his own life. I think you need to step back and leave him to it.

You've done your duty of funding a university education and he's chosen to waste it (I can understand that financially it would sting but you can't control these things). That's his choice, i'd leave him to fund any future study himself, or at least delay it by several years to give him some time to reflect, mature, gain some life experience.

It does sound like you have expectations for him. It's better to have hopes. Hopes that he will be happy, find a decent partner, job etc. but I think expecting anything of a grown adult when it comes to how they live their life is unreasonable because they are an adult and it is their choice.

They met online, gaming. And when I said she doesn't work, I mean at home. No savings or anything to use, she doesn't even have a bank card/ credit card that works here, anything she gets from selling digital art creations (skins in the game) she paypals to him. But basically he pays for everything, they weren't asked to contribute to household but buy their own food.

Re pregnancy, he says she has an implant, but it does worry me greatly

DH is currently on the other side of the world so can't talk to him yet. DS back from work and I was pretty calm and told him the issue was the lying and unpicked yet more lies that he had told (some really stupid ones). He has to phone DH later to talk about work.

I'd be buying a bumper box of condoms.

Was he living in halls or rented for 1st year and are you/he on the hook for any rent costs next year?

It's positive that he is doing well at holding down this summer job, I think the message will have to be that he gets another job lined up (and goes on jobseekers of there is a gap). You and DH decide what "keep" you will charge. And the girlfriend leaves at the end of the expected time.

He may not yet have the maturity or have found the right course for study and may return to something later. Perhaps mixed in with working.

The concealing how bad things were is a concern though, what is his reasoning for not being honest?

Hello OP. Sorry to hear this. I have had a number of conversations with students who have been failed withdrawn at year one this week from the University programme I work for.

While it is awful at the moment it sounds that your son may be a good fit for an apprenticeship if he is interested in gaining a higher qualification. It is great that he has a job.

Re pregnancy, he says she has an implant, but it does worry me greatly

No OP, she says she has an implant.

Do you know this for sure?? I had one. It was on the inside of my upper arm. You can feel it under the skin, like a match stick. They last about three years. It left a tiny white scar.

...and a plane ticket

He was in halls, and was supposed to go back to halls - which he said he had applied for, but of course hadn't as he knew he would be failing as it turns out. So at least we don't owe anything more.

Well tell her to leave then. It's not your job to subsidise her or put her up. Just tell her she needs to leave by the end of the week. what she does is her business.

My DS not as old as yours yet, couple of years off. I am fine financially and would be able to support him through uni if he wants to go. But I don't see that as the best option.

As others have said our DC need to understand the need and the want and have the determination to go for what they want. Not be handed it all on a plate. no way on earth would I allow some stranger to stay with us rent free for 12 weeks. Nor would I allow my adult DS to work and live rent free. I might not need the money but he needs to learn that life isn't a free ride.

If he lied to me he would be finding somewhere new to live too. if there's no respect and trust then we need to reassess.

At the risk of sounding like Baldrick....

These days you have a North American gamer stranger in situ. Ages ago there was a time she wasn't there that changed to her being there.

In essence OP, how the fuck did you get here? She's fleecing you and your son.

OP I think you've got yourself a Frock Lodger

The thing you really need to get to the bottom of is why he feels he has to lie?

And then perhaps honestly evaluate your own role in why he feels he needs to lie.

He’s moved the goalposts by lying, not completing his coursework, failing his exams, and not lining up a lease for September. The agreement you set up based on the above lies is part of the deal of why the girlfriend was allowed to stay at yours. DS did not hold up his part of the deal, so the deal is over. She has until x date to find a new place to stay—it’s her choice whether it’s in the UK or NA. Not your problem—she’s a grown ass woman.

And what exactly is she doing all day whilst DS is at work? Gaming?

Not all students are suited to university and despite trying it discover they want to be there even less. Hs he considered an apprenticeship? Might be too late for this year but he could get some sort of work pending applying to start next year. Sounds like all his money has been frittered away on his GF too.

Don't fall out with him, the last thing you want is to drive him away but be firm and work on plans going forward.

There must be the option of a resit in the first year?
It is not uncommon for first year students to get carried away and nor buckle down, then get a wake up call.
My own son had to do resits following his first and second year at uni, then had to spend his Summer breaks revising. I warned him that he would not be able to resit finals! He pulled it out of the bag following the Christmas break in his final year and came out with a 1st Class Hons Degree.

He needs to learn actions have consequences. He pays you back for the money he wasted. That money was to pay for his education. He didn't get one so that has to be paid back. His pissing it up the wall days need to be gone until he does.

It all depends on the resits and how he applies himself. Uni isn't for everyone, and a lot of people get pidgeonholed into it. It is also really hard without the school/parents security net and all the socialising of first year. I also failed a few of my courses first year, resat that summer, did enough to get by, ended up with a 2.1 and ultimately a really great career. It really depends on what action that fail mark has him doing. If it is to just keep his summer job and not try harder for the resits and uni, and you are paying for the uni, stop now. If he is trying, give him a chance, but with a real foundation of your expectations for his actions.

Blimey, op ;(
I'd be losing my shit with my dc if they'd done this (which wouldn't be helpful).
I agree with pp. Gf leaves, start charging him board.
Only you know how serious the lies are and if he should talk to someone about it (counsellor?)
Not everyone is cut for university at 18 (or at all).
My oldest has just completed a postgrad she's hated and its nearly finished us both off!
It sounds like your ds has form for lying from what you've said?
Really difficult situation for you, I'm sorry x

I’d suggest he try an Apprenticeship as the coursework is done in work time, and so easier to achieve.

I’ll never understand this part of British culture, where parents seem indifferent to their own children, kick them out once they go to university, and never allow them to return home for any reason.
Thankfully, my parents never felt the need to keep up with the Joneses. After graduating, I moved back home to live with them and my three younger siblings until I found a job in a town thousands of miles away. My siblings stayed home, commuting 45 minutes by train to their university when everything ran smoothly, and they still live there. Now, they all work remotely and earn solid salaries. It's just a four-bedroom house, not a mansion, and my parents are ordinary middle class.
Living at home with your parents and siblings, even into your 40s and beyond, while enjoying games is perfectly fine as long as you have a stable job. These days, it's totally possible to balance work, earn a good income, and still enjoy gaming.

OP, this situation feels like an emotional whirlwind: part disappointment, part anger, with a touch of “how did we even get here?” It’s completely valid to feel all of it. He’s made mistakes, and now you’re left to handle the emotional (and financial!) fallout. The urge to go nuclear is understandable—especially after you’ve gone out of your way to support him, only to discover he’s been burning through your patience (and money!). But take a moment to breathe. You’re right that confronting the girlfriend might not be the ideal first step. There are bigger priorities, and she could just be an onlooker rather than the source of the problem.
Start with facts, save the drama for later. Get the full story. Sit him down without distractions and say: “We need the truth—no spin, no excuses. Just facts.” Make it clear that dishonesty is just as big an issue as the failure itself.
Next, he needs a plan. Failure isn’t the end, but doing nothing is. Some options to consider:
Reapplying to a different university, college and course (possibly something more vocational or less academic)
Exploring apprenticeships
Taking on full-time work and contributing financially (even if staying at home)
Volunteering or gaining experience while figuring out his next steps
Whatever the plan, he needs to research and present realistic options. He’s not a child anymore. If he’s old enough to make these decisions, he’s old enough to take charge of his future.
Set clear financial boundaries. It’s reasonable to say: “We supported you financially for the first year, and that’s done. If you want our help moving forward, you need to show you’re serious this time.”
Finally, set expectations for the girlfriend. If she’s visiting, that’s fine, but this isn’t a vacation spot. Be upfront: “She’s welcome to stay until the end of August as agreed, but after that, we need the house back to focus on what’s next.”
It's tough, and it's okay to feel that way. You didn’t fail—he made poor decisions. Trusting him or hoping for the best doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.

My son didn't enjoy his uni course and wanted to leave after the end of the first year. He applied for higher level apprenticeships which he got, it was brilliant. He got paid to work, ended up with a degree which was paid for and had a guaranteed job at the end. He's now in a great career. Perhaps have a look at some of these? BT, Rolls Royce, Dyson all do really good apprenticeships in many different areas.