DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

My son has just finished 1st year at Uni, A relative has paid for his fees and accommodation. Never bothered to look for a part-time job. Back here for the Summer and no intention of doing anything apart from living here for nothing although I'm telling him to get out unless he contributes. My advice is to not let any family members bail your son out unless it's airfare home and then get a job. Harsh maybe as you clearly care too much for the manipulative fucker.

We had that scenario our son but in his final year at uni. He also struggled with organization at school but is incredibly intelligent. He was diagnosed with ADD so we have just tried to support him through it although it is stressful and frustrating as a parent.
Our son also used to tell us he had done everything. I think they just fear failing and think they can sort things out before the end of the year but obviously that is not possible.
My son is now working and is great at work. I hope over the years he matures but it may very well be that they always struggle with forward planning, self discipline and organization but as adults hopefully they learn how to manage it and work in disciplines that are more forgiving.
I always tell my son that he needs to be successful enough to have a PA so that he has someone who can organize his life for him 😉

that is a bit harsh. I am glad I am not your child. I found organization and planning difficult as a child but managed to be very successful as an adult but always had the support and encouragement of my parents. I think children are all different and most do not set out to mess their lives up just to annoy their family members.

Don’t panic, relax , seriously he’ll find his own path. This could have been written about my brother who wasted and played his way through one year at uni and failed. He tried various jobs but now has a lovely partner , house, a gorgeous daughter and earns over £200K a year having found his groove. I know it’s hard but don’t push him into something he doesn’t want to do because it will be another failure. As he grows up he’ll change so please just take a deep breath, roll your eyes and be supportive ( from a distance).

Expecting them not to lie to you is a pretty low bar tbh.

He has obviously got decent A levels so he has a good chance of a decent career job. Civil Service offers excellent apprenticeships in various business type equals, management, leadership and admin learning is on the job and assessments are evidence based from the job. Banks also offer good jobs for people with A levels. He will be fine try not to worry although I get your frustration and annoyance x

My DS failed his first year too but this week DH & I attended his graduation and were as proud as punch. It’s a massive culture shock going away to uni plus it’s genuinely not for everyone but I saw this as a time to support him not punish.

Honestly, he sounds like me at university although I did scrimp through to finish. I had undiagnosed ADHD and while I tried my very best to study and focus - it just didn't happen, my mind would not focus and kept straying. I'd look into whether there's possibly a disorder there that hasn't been noticed?
While university isn't everything, it is very useful for jobs in future. Maybe give him time to work until he's older and can handle university? And definitely figure out what happened with the failing - if he wasn't just purposely not bothering, the underlying problem with focus or organisation will appear in in other areas of his life.

Ooh I have kind of been there ! I was beside myself worried about what would become of DS said things I should have felt embarrassed with my friends who's children all appeared to be doing well, and was angry and sympathetic all at once.DS got a job recognised it wasn't going anywhere did an access course at local college got into prestigious London uni - much better than first uni as he had mucked his A levels up,got a masters in London and now settled in a good job and is happy.For lots of kids they aren't ready to make these big decisions but get pressurised by school,friends and probably us parents as well to go to uni at the same time.Give him time I'm sure he will sort it out.Big hug to you at this sh.t time x

I obviously don’t know your son but I can relate to being not cut out for Uni. Could the lying be due to feeling ashamed rather than primarily deceitful? Has there been a lot of pressure on him that made him feel he couldn’t tell you, even if unintentional? (first in the family to go to uni for example?)

I’m sad for you that he’s packed up to follow his girlfriend, but to be honest not all that surprised if I imagine myself in his shoes. He’s probably gutted deep down and feeling like the GF is the only good thing he has going for him. Uni hasn’t worked out. His job is only short term. Friends are all moving forwards with their lives. A trip to Canada might actually do him the world of good. His GF doesn’t sound that great but will probably fizzle out now that it’s a real life relationship rather than online.

Hang in there, he’ll be back soon enough.

Make an appointment with him to sit down at the dinner table for a discussion. Make sure you explain how behaviours like lying undermine even the best of relationships. Find out what honesty and integrity mean to him. Park the angry feelings for another day. You need to bring out the evidence of how much finance had been invested in him. Lovingly but firmly ask him to enter into a contract with you to make him accountable. Make sure it is signed, dated, and witnessed. Suggest a thorough budget and walk him through it. Include all amenities and their costs. He is no longer a minor child. He's old enough now to be responsible for his finances and other 'adulting'! Unless he is able to fully support his girlfriend from his earnings, don't allow her to move in. Recipe for disaster. They have to learn quick smart that immature and irresponsible behaviour is not the way to live successfully. Good luck!

@YourPurpleGal He's gone to Canada with the girlfriend.

Be glad it happened in year 1, mine waited until year 3 to decide he'd had enough. That meant £32k of debt for nothing.

Generally you only get the option to resort off your attempt and fail, not if you fail to attempt the coursework/exam.

It's a life lesson and hopefully one that will help him take accountability and move forward.

Look at either
A) a gap year to sort out what he wants to do.
B) an apprenticeship, yes they are out there.
Let him embrace his freedom, he's and adult and allow him try out some of the many options NCI ( No criticism intended). Uni isn't the be all and end all.

I'm hard as nails! Out the door with both of them TOMORROW. No if's or but's. He is an adult and has lied and taking you all for idiots more than once. Time for him to hit hard times. No questions asked. No excuses.

I literally was that guy.
I didn’t work hard enough at A levels ( back in v early 80s) and scraped a few passes, felt obliged to go study for a degree (it was expected) and in the last minute scramble ended up on a course and in a place I hated. Told DPs I wanted to leave at Christmas but they convinced me to “give it a go” and 18 year old me didn’t have the balls to stick to my guns.
fast forward 2 years I failed my exams and left, tbh it was a relief.
i’m in my sixties now and I still have dreams I’m back there, taking exams I know I’ll fail.
My point is that you can bounce back. I got a job got my act together got into a career I liked, even went back to uni as an older student (25!) got a degree and became a chartered engineer, had a life, great wife and 2 great kids. So the moral? A failure is only a failure if you don’t learn from it. This could be the best thing that ever happened to your boy.
Good luck to him

Failing and then dropping out won’t stand him in good stead for an apprenticeship I’m afraid.

Read the updates he’s run off to Canada with the girlfriend .

I do think that for some kids, 18 is too young to go off to uni with all the temptations of partying etc. I was accepted to uni at 18 but backed out just before as I knew that if I went, I would fail. I was too immature at that time. So I went back to college, studied some more A-Levels, worked as much as I could to save up and went when I was 20. A lot of the 18 year olds from my halls and on my course had either dropped out by Christmas or failed their first year.
I would encourage him to get some life experience (not a gap year travelling) and try again in a couple of years if he still wants to get a degree.

My dd did full three years didn’t hand her dissertation in at the end. Fifteen years later still paying it off. But she managed to get on a career path with just A levels.

I think there are a few things going on. First i don't think he enjoyed university and probably went to satisfy your expectations. I think he has lied to try to live up to your aspirations. Not everybody is academic and if anybody is going to fail at university it is better all round to do it in the first year. I think rather than ask on here what he needs to do, i think you need to ask him and be prepared to accept what he says.

Make an appointment with him to sit down at the dinner table for a discussion.

Cancel the cheque!

@GertyFreely Bit far to travel, he's in Canada.

'Well, not the update I wanted to give. After even more lies and deceit, he's run off to fly back with her. '

Might be her fault. She may be a bad influence and discouraged him from studying. Who knows.