DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

Yep. So many pushy parents (more from what I see mums!!) pushing their agenda on their kids and getting all entitled and 'nuclear' when it doesn't work.

stop breathing down his neck. He's working.

Does he even want to go to uni?

I'm wondering the same thing..

He needs to talk with them urgently (if he wants another chance that is).

Ds took it further than your has - he also missed all the retakes as his head was so far in the sand, and we'd paid upfront for the following year's accommodation.

Long story short, he was put on pause, was allowed to sit in on the first year's lectures and submit all the assignments he never did plus redo all the exams. Passed that time, and seems to have grown up a bit in the process. But he did realise that he really wanted to continue.

So tonight I'd find out what your son really wants to do. If he's done with education I'd be tempted to start charging rent for two. Ds pays if gf can't. (Might also help him realise what his priorities are.)

If he's got a job it can't all be bad I'd say.

@beetr00 since he didn't submit some coursework, apparently not.

We've talked before about the lying, and how it just makes things worse, but it obv hasn't worked.

And he's not socialising - he comes home from work, goes shopping for their food on his own, cooks their dinner by himself, then they eat together. Not seeing any friends, not going to the pub or anything. They don't even go out in the day at the weekend as 'she doesn't like it'.

We're in a fortunate place financially, so no student loans/ debt, so thats one thing. But he will need to pay some things back like the insurance for his scooter that we bought him to get to work

Can we change degree perhaps? Something that’s engage or excite him more ?

id ask gf to go (no way she’d be in my home in the first place)

Find out what he really wants to do in the future.
Our DS dropped out at end of year 1. He had failed and resat some exams but ultimately admitted it was the wrong course for him. He stayed at home for a year and worked and decided he still wanted to go to Uni but took a completely different subject (switched from sciences to humanities). He went to a different uni and year later and graduated with a 1st then completed a Masters.
He just wasn't really mature enough to go to Uni at 18 and found it all overwhelming - although he did seem to enjoy the social side.
We came him 2 weeks to come up with a plan after he'd announced he wasn't going back for Yr 2 and made it quite clear that lazing in bed on his laptop was not an option. He ended up working in his 'gap year'.

Perhaps he can go and live with his girlfriend's family for a while?

Is there definitely no chance of him retaking/deferring? Would he want to? Would you want him to?
You need to have a calm discussion (of course you're angry and disappointed) about what has gone wrong and what he wants to do now. Perfectly reasonable that you don't want to entirely subsidise his life (would also be good for the gf to be contributing in some way, even if just around the house).
University isn't for everyone and sometimes people study better when they're older, so this doesn't mean he'll never have a decent or useful life. The deceit is hard to forgive though.

Sounds like they are wanting to essentially be a young pair of old fogies, that’ll probably pall eventually. How did they meet?

agree with PP forget the girlfriend for now, focus on his future. Could you get out for a walk or to the pub this eve and chat it out with him one to one, find out what he really wants. If you’re well off and his dad has given him a job I would suspect that he hasn’t thought any further than this summer, but you need to be asking the questions now and setting expectations over the next weeks.

Has he thought about an apprenticeship? They can be brilliant and give access to careers he’d need a degree for otherwise? Do you have any idea what kind of work he likes/is suited for?

No point telling him off, he’s an adult who has essentially chosen to support himself from now on - that’s the starting point I’d take for the chat.

Ugh I wouldn't put up with that behaviour from his girlfriend.

The thing is, OP, that if you protect him from this now you're not doing him any favours - you'll infantilise him. Now he has to face up to the fact he's lied and lied throughout the year. He's been lazy. He's not faced up to things. If you set it all straight now then he will learn nothing at all.

It's time for him to grow up and face facts. I wouldn't pay for him to do a different degree, not until five or more years had passed, anyway.

Why not recommend a higher apprenticeship? He can earn money and the company will pay for him to do his degree. It'll take a little longer but they are really great as you get up to date experience and training, as well as a degree.

A friend of mine messed about at university and got a Third. It was a huge shock to his parents as he too had lied. He went for an interview at a small company and the guy called him afterwards and said, "You seem bright and able, and we really like you. The thing is we think you're an immature, lazy dick. If you want to work here that will have to stop. You have a choice - work here and grow up or try your luck elsewhere." He took the job and it really turned him around. And yes, that was about 20 years ago when the boss could say that sort of thing without the threat of being sued!

Sometimes parents having some financial stability can be a curse. Growing up I knew my parents had quite a modest income so I knew I had to do well at uni
and get some qualifications. Started working when I was 16 with various jobs on the side - cleaner, babysitting, pub work, waitress, hostess etc…. No regrets and perhaps this is the route your boy will have to go down. No more easy life. Girlfriend coming to stay at your house for 12 weeks?! Are you mad?! I would never have dared ask that let alone be allowed…

why on earth are people suggesting he repeat the year or do another course when he clearly hates studying, as shown by this year and his a levels.

maybe he did feel pressured to go to uni. It happens. As others have said it isn't for everyone. It clearly isn't for him. At least he is working now, even in a temp position-it will stand him in good stead for a permanent position. He needs to be starting to look for work now.

The GF is a different matter but no way would I have someone staying in my house for 12 weeks who didn't work/study/help around the house/pay her way.

As he is working I'd be asking for rent/board to be paid for both of them from now. Being an adult means taking responsibility and acting like one

I would go nuclear.

But I plough a lonely furrow on MN 🙂

Normally, 1st year students can re-sit failed modules in August/September. Sometimes students are recommended to re-take the whole year. Has your son been given this opportunity?

He's been spoilt. Some people in his position take full advantage of the massive leg up they're getting from their parents and do well at uni, using it to springboard themselves into opportunities that will create some of the wealth they've been raised with. Others just piss it up the wall because why not mess about on someone else's dime? It would have been interesting to see if he would have had the same outcome if he'd had to take a gap year where he was working and saving to pay for uni himself as well as taking out student loans.

I think the best thing you can do is teach him to stand on his own two feet. Stop molly coddling him. He's a man now. Tell him that by 1st September, he needs to have found a full time job and somewhere to live. See how much he fucks about when he's living in a houseshare working 12 hour shifts, doing his own washing and wiping his own arse.

Don't help him find a job, let him gain some life experience. He's failed uni and automatically he's got a nice comfy home to stay in, daddy has found him a temp job and mummy is running around trying to sort his life out for him. He's had no consequences for his actions at all. Yeah he's failed his degree but you'll probably run yourself ragged trying to find him an apprenticeship or a great job. You're not even asking for your uni money back.

Let him grow up! Let him experience the shit bits of life. He's fucked up and that's ok, he just needs to learn from it. He's not going to do that with helicopter parents trying to protect him from life.

Same. I was told kindly that there were two younger siblings and limited space at home and resources so after university I was properly on my own financially. Which focuses the mind somewhat and is a damn good incentive.

Actually think that’s quite helpful not like all this social media “you can always come home”. What and game in the basement until youre 45?

I don't allow girlfriends to stay over in my house. Has focused DS's mind admirably.

Oh also I would be furious that this is the second time he's lied. Once I could forgive maybe.

Ensure that the girlfriend leaves in August .
You need to have a chat with your ds and ask him what his plans are .
Does he want to take some time out and return to university at a later date ?
Is he interested in taking a degree apprenticeship ?
Does he simply want to continue with work?
You need to be calm when speaking to him.
Give him a few days and ask him to come back to you?
Try not to show disappointment , you want him to open up to you

I knew that my DD1 was not ready for university at the age of 18 and was overwhelmed at the thought of applying for a university place .
So I encouraged her to take a gap year and apply the following year.
She got a job , travelled and applied for university the following year.
She has just graduated with a 1st

.

Op whatever’s going on with him read back your op, you need to ease up on all the judgement. I failed a year of a diploma twenty odd years ago and rang home bawling and my dad said ‘ffs I thought something bad had happened to you, calm down, you’ll find something else to do’.

My son did A levels but didn't enjoy studying so didn't want to go to Uni. He did an apprenticeship which he really enjoyed and did well in. He's now got a really good job that he enjoys. There's lots of different apprenticeships available depending on what interests your son.
Good luck 🤞

He could look to move onto an apprenticeship somewhere. Many offer higher qualifications these days on the job but are cheaper and more practical way into a longer term job. They are competitive still but might be better option. He can get a temp job in meantime.

@CMOTDibbler universities do tend to give multiple chances for their undergrads.

Just to inform you this is generally the process a uni undertakes before withdrawing a student (relates to Manchester Met but expect most follow along these lines)

It seems uni is just not for him, fair enough, his deception must be hard to take though.

Now you know that, you can all move forward with the emphasis that if he stays at home he needs to propose an alternative plan anything less is neither acceptable nor sustainable.

Has his gf been with you since the beginning of June then? (you mentioned 12 weeks)

Her contribution/lack thereof (not necessarily financial) also needs to be addressed.