DS failed his first year of uni, can't go back, now what?

[CMOTDibbler]

He has been a total dick this year, and despite telling us it was all great, turns out he missed coursework and failed the end of year exams. He now does have a sob story about why, but tbh after all the lies this year (and tbh he has form for this at A level saying he was doing well/ getting coursework done when it wasn't true) I don't know what to believe in all honesty.
He has been working this summer, and actually doing really well at that, but it can't be permanent. And his (overseas) girlfriend is staying with us allegedly till the end of August.
I'm gutted, and tbh also embarrassed that he has lied about it and we swallowed it all, and now he's left back at home with nothing. And angry that he has pissed our money up the wall.
I want to go nuclear this evening and tell his gf to get packed and out of the house, but that probably isn't the best idea initially.
So, any advice? WWYD?

It's not on OP, or any parent, to police their child's uni studies. The mess is wholly on the son.
OP is right to be angry having been lied to, though, and absolutely needs to put an end to the party: girlfriend goes now and cut off the gravy train to son. No need to "go nuclear." Make a decision and stop being a push over.

It is surprisingly common for students to fail their first year. When my child was in difficulties my other child gave me some wise advice..she said mum you have to let their shit hit the fan and they have to deal with it. She was right. Child now a happily married adult doing very well,

Have a very serious chat about the implications of if she gets pregnant or over stays btw.

He is not in a position to sponsor her to stay. He couldn't afford an immigration lawyer to try and block her deportation. If she leaves of her own accord before the birth, he's screwed in terms of access.

Seriously, he needs to be careful here given that shes acting in this way and not pulling her weight.

Girlfriend goes home, obviously.

DS is an adult now, needs to make his own choices, with his own resources. Lying to live off his parents for a full year is despicable.

What degree was it. Maybe an apprenticeship or construction

It's not the failing, it's the lying.

On a holiday visa the girlfriend cant work.

He has a job and that will help when he applies for something more permanent. He can apply for other jobs, start contributing to the household financially and in time he may decide he wants to return to study. Or he may make a success of his life without a degree. A friend's child didnt go to uni but is married now with no student debt and a mortgage. He's doing just fine, been promoted in his job.

Can't he use his gift year and resit? Or maybe find another course that he likes? Signpost him to the student progression advisor for a chat. Does he actually want to go back?

Exactly.

How much is your DS contributing to the household in terms of paying her share of food etc, given that he already owes you for a loan.

You need to have a serious chat about her freeloading until August. She's welcome stay but she can not freeload.

(Throws it back to him to resolve).

Many years ago, my stepdaughter failed uni after spending a year partying. (This was long before I met her father.)

For whatever reason, re-sits weren't an option. Her parents told her to work for a living.

She moved out, got a job. Then moved on to another place of work - related to the course she'd started and failed. Applied to OU - supported by work - and got a first for the degree she'd originally failed. Did very well for herself career-wise.

Sometimes tough love is needed.

One strategy to take is to continue asking, "ok, but what is your plan? How will you do that?" And then shut up. Don't be afraid of the long awkward silences. Don't try to come up with solutions, let him do the work. He needs to be/become the adult now, even if he is used to you helping him out.

Also, your DH and you need to discuss beforehand what you are (not) willing to do/offer. And then don't offer it too soon. It might be necessary for him to hop from job to job for a while to realise what a uni degree could bring him. He could then reapply to uni and maybe get financial aid from you, if you want to. Nb. reapplying to uni later on is absolutely possible in the Netherlands, and done regularly, not sure about the UK situation. However, letting him figure it out now will absolutely help him more in the long run.

Student advisor at the uni should help

And I work in a Dutch university and see this scenario regularly.

I think letting the girlfriend stay was a mistake. It would have been easier to refuse it initially for a multitude of good reasons than to now ask her to leave.
I cannot imagine for the life me moving in with a boyfriends family at that age. It's dependency on another level.

I would start with getting her out anyway. WTAF is she doing here if she has no money or job to support herself. It's none of your concern anyway, it's up to her to figure it out, somewhere else.

Your son. If repeating isn't an option I'd simply be saying it's time for you to get a fulltime job now if you are no longer in college and ask him to move out or contribute. Time for him to make a few mistakes without you as a fallback.

I don't think you need to go nuclear but let him reap the consequences of his choices.

Have a clear plan of how long you will give him to get another job and be clear that once that date is reached he will be responsible for paying you rent for himself and the girlfriend as he is no longer in ft education. She is a massive issue and you need to make sure she is gone by the end of the 12 weeks, it's quite unreasonable for her to be living with you with no financial contribution. I would also implement a chores rota and if they can't stick to it they leave. Tough love at this point. "Sorry it's not worked out for you at Uni DS....here's how our support will work moving forward"

He’s doing well at work.
Not everyone is academic and not everyone takes an academic path. Alternatively some people study later in life if they come to realise they’re interested in a particular subject. We should stop expecting kids to automatically fit in with university and see what suits them instead. He’s not sitting on his arse so don’t make him feel bad about it.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I'd failed out of college my first year. I don't think I was meant to go, but I did just well enough to finish, but my degree didn't really get me anywhere. I wish I'd gone to work FT instead and learned on the job or gotten a certification instead. College isn't meant for all of us and I know some very successful people that didn't go to college or didn't complete college. I don't think you should be embarrassed, I wouldn't be embarrassed of my DD if she dropped out but I would encourage him to explore full time work in something he's interested in.

If he’s good at working, could he pursue an apprenticeship?

I scraped through uni (2:ii) on a relatively vocational degree and I honestly wish I’d done an apprenticeship instead. I really struggle with academic classroom based learning, in part due to ADHD but also because I’m a hands on learner. I’m a great worker though for that reason!

They didn’t offer apprenticeships in my discipline back then but they do know and I’m always front of the line when they’re deciding which teams they should join! If he’s not sure what he’d like to do, a bit more work experience/volunteering could help him whittle down options.

Why on earth did you agree to the gf (stranger) coming to stay for 12 weeks!

its obvious that having her here has changed his mindset.

If she is here on a holiday visa, how did they even meet?

OP said. Online Gaming.

She's a flake either way.

Your son was me 20 years ago, i struggled big time in college, actually all through school i struggled, didn't do as good as my mother wanted in my exmas and the same in college, yes i did lie but that was to avoid the nuclear explosive reaction from my mother. Like your son i got a job after failed my exams, yes it was only temp, however as time went on contract was extended. Ended up working there for 2 years and talking to my boss during it realised i was in the wrong course all together, i reapplied and went back to do a different course, worked part time through it, and here i am now 20 years later still working in what i did in college and on 6 figure salary. Have the discussion with him yes , but dont say your disappointed, he has managed to get a job, he is not sitting on his arse

I would not have let the girlfriend stay that long in the first place but if you have promised she can stay till the end of August I would keep to that and not take your frustration with ds out on her.
it is good ds is working hard in his paid job. Praise him for that.
i would keep calm about everything. Whichever of you he talks to the most should maybe take him for a one to one chat away from gf and explain how you feel about being lied to and ask for an explanation as to why he did it.
i would not berate him for failing the year as he will be feeling dejected enough about that.
try and get to the bottom of what has gone wrong and what he would really like to do career wise. I would not rule out funding him for another attempt at uni but ask him to make a financial contribution to it from his earnings this summer and let him take out the loans so you are paying no more than the normal parental contribution.
Alternatively help him work out a plan for a gap year so he can take stock and possibly return to studying the year after.
in your position I would be sad and frustrated but try and see the positive things about your son.

@CMOTDibbler about 40 years ago I failed the first year if my degree because I was having far too much of a good time.

It wasn't the end of the world but it was the end of a world. It was the end of getting an easy ride, the end of scraping through and doing just enough.

Your DS has some hard facts to face. The gravy train has hit the buffers. Facts to face:

• he is responsible for the girlfriend, she is his guest, she is not a resident in the house
• he needs to get a permanent job as when the temp job runs out while you won't see him starve you aren't funding his lifestyle which includes houseguests
• he needs to recognise that this is a mess of his own making
• nobody owes him a living, employers are unlikely to be falling over themselves to recruit a first year failure

@CMOTDibbler about 40 years ago I failed the first year if my degree because I was having far too much of a good time.

It wasn't the end of the world but it was the end of a world. It was the end of getting an easy ride, the end of scraping through and doing just enough.

Your DS has some hard facts to face. The gravy train has hit the buffers. Facts to face:

• he is responsible for the girlfriend, she is his guest, she is not a resident in the house
• he needs to get a permanent job as when the temp job runs out while you won't see him starve you aren't funding his lifestyle which includes houseguests
• he needs to recognise that this is a mess of his own making
• nobody owes him a living, employers are unlikely to be falling over themselves to recruit a first year failure