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Parents of adult children

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Retiring abroad and leaving adult children

239 replies

BrusselsPate · 10/04/2025 15:19

DH and I are looking into retiring abroad (currently live in the UK) possibly France, Italy or Spain. We've worked out that financially this would be possible in 3-5 years time.
We have 3 adult children, one is completely independent with their own children; one will be moving out (moving away for work) and financially independent within the next year, but the youngest (21) will need help financially for a few more years (which will be provided by the house sale if we moved abroad).
I just feel that I might be being a bit selfish by not providing a family base in the UK, particularly for the younger two, and also by not being around during retirement for more grandparent duties, that I'm not currently able to provide due to working full time.
Has anyone else made the move abroad full time without keeping a base in their home country, once their children had grown up and how have you found it? And anyone with grandchildren, how do you manage to keep up a meaningful relationship with them?

OP posts:
financialcareerstuff · 11/04/2025 09:27

Candlekiax · 10/04/2025 16:31

I'm on the other side of this, my parents moved abroad when I was 18ish, it has improved their health and lifestyle so much and I'm glad they put their needs first

Our relationship was great at first, I'd go visit them regularly, we'd telephone each other a few times a week and it wasn't all that different from living together before they moved.

Then I met my partner and had children of my own, we spoke less, visiting with young children became difficult and as my parents have gotten older their ability to travel has decreased, my dad no longer comes to the UK, my mum doesn't like leaving him alone due to his health. We also rarely talk on the phone and I very much feel like I'm not an important aspect of their lives anymore, same with their grandchildren.

If you do it, just make sure you make the effort to keep in touch with your children and not make them feel forgotten about.

This is great advice and I’m sorry this happened to you. I am thinking of moving abroad exactly like your parents- six months after my DD goes to uni (which will likely be in a different country anyway, as she has dual nationality). But I’ve always thought we would likely move closer to her if she has children - meaning we could be there for her when kid(s) are young, and closer as we grow older and are less mobile.

I reckon that might mean I have 6-10 years of living anywhere I want in the world (hopefully a good holiday destination for her!), and traveling, while we are fit enough to enjoy it and she is too excited by an expanding life to care we are not there day to day, then be back when she might need me again……

ParsnipPuree · 11/04/2025 09:27

Anxioustealady · 10/04/2025 18:27

I think it's fine, but you'd be a bit selfish to move back when you're older and expect a lot of help from them.

This.

SirChenjins · 11/04/2025 09:28

I agree @Ohbellayoubigtwat Our parents are all dead - with each one of them there were many visits to them as their health declined and many dealings with health and social care services. One of them died in very difficult circumstances and the police and coroners were involved. While it's very easy to say that you don't expect or want your children to look after you as you get older, the reality is that they have to. Unless your relationship with your parents is non-existent, when you get that late night call from the hospital to say your mum has had a fall and is very ill, you don't say 'no, sorry, I'm not having anything to do with this, you deal with it'.

pinkfloralcurtains · 11/04/2025 09:28

Boredlass · 11/04/2025 08:06

Surely that is then selfish of the children for thinking that she may be a burden in the future considering how much she raised them?

Children don’t ask to be raised and don't owe you anything for raising them. If you have children it’s the minimum you’re expected to do.

If parents want to move out in their 60s to live in France that’s lovely for them but it’s not an unreasonable question given many people start to have higher health needs in their late 60s, early 70s. If you have young children of your own then it’s not easy to drop everything to get to Provence because mum has had a funny turn/Dad is in hospital with sudden heart issues.

LobeliaBaggins · 11/04/2025 09:30

pinkfloralcurtains · 11/04/2025 09:28

Children don’t ask to be raised and don't owe you anything for raising them. If you have children it’s the minimum you’re expected to do.

If parents want to move out in their 60s to live in France that’s lovely for them but it’s not an unreasonable question given many people start to have higher health needs in their late 60s, early 70s. If you have young children of your own then it’s not easy to drop everything to get to Provence because mum has had a funny turn/Dad is in hospital with sudden heart issues.

I am always rather puzzled that parents owe their children everything but children owe parents nothing.

Fanacapan · 11/04/2025 09:33

Attractive as it might be, I wouldn’t want to be so far from my grandchildren, but that’s just me. My sister retired to Spain 20+ years ago, now she is in her 80s, her husband died so she lives alone and she rarely has UK visitors. If you can do it try to keep a base in the UK, a small flat or something, just so you can come back if you need to. If you are old and unwell you might prefer to be in a country where you speak the language! My sister has reduced capacity to understand what is going on in general and has to take an interpreter with her for appointments.

GnomeDePlume · 11/04/2025 09:33

LobeliaBaggins · 11/04/2025 06:36

So it's not selfish for adult children to.move wherever they wish in pursuit of a better life, but it's selfish for parents to do so?
Would it be ok if I moved somewhere where I can afford full time paid care so my DC dont have to lift a finger?

Even with lots of paid care someone has to coordinate it, make sure that there is cover if a carer leaves/goes sick/just doesn't turn up. Someone has to coordinate adjustments to the home if they become necessary.

What I have seen with family and friends is the need for help happening quite suddenly. My DM went from living independently in her own bungalow to living in a care home in a wheelchair with dementia in the space of 3 months.

pinkfloralcurtains · 11/04/2025 09:34

Bigfish51 · 11/04/2025 08:23

Driving in the UK is an absolute nightmare! The violence and road rage here is getting scarier every year.

I think if you are use to getting on and off flights regularly you have a different perspective of how cumbersome it is.

Edited

Pre Covid I travelled weekly for work and thought it an absolute doddle.

Packing and flying with small kids is an entirely different proposition.

Driving in the UK is absolute walk in the park. It’s very easy driving compared to many places.

Sandylittleknees · 11/04/2025 09:34

I think that your youngest is too young. It’s sad that you don’t want to spend time with your families. I can’t imagine how it wouldn’t feel like a rejection. Selfish imo.
my ILs moved to the other side of the country (8 hour drive from us). They thought we’d love it and would see them for ‘free’ holidays. It was a complete pita and they moved back (thankfully they hadn’t left the uk so it was reasonably straightforward, although expensive) as they spent so much time driving ‘home’ to see old friends and us. Not longer after one of them became ill, thank goodness they were nearer. One of them is now on their own, it would be horrendous if they were stuck abroad. While they were there we weren’t able to have family holidays as all the time was taken up visiting them, I still regret that. At one point for three years DH didn’t go there at all, I took dcs on my own so that we could have a week away. ILs were very put out.
why don’t you down size and buy a camper van and just have lots of holidays.

pinkfloralcurtains · 11/04/2025 09:35

LobeliaBaggins · 11/04/2025 09:30

I am always rather puzzled that parents owe their children everything but children owe parents nothing.

Because if you’re a parent it’s the bare minimum expected of you.

Do you ask your dog or cat to be grateful to you for owning it?

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 11/04/2025 09:36

SirChenjins · 11/04/2025 09:28

I agree @Ohbellayoubigtwat Our parents are all dead - with each one of them there were many visits to them as their health declined and many dealings with health and social care services. One of them died in very difficult circumstances and the police and coroners were involved. While it's very easy to say that you don't expect or want your children to look after you as you get older, the reality is that they have to. Unless your relationship with your parents is non-existent, when you get that late night call from the hospital to say your mum has had a fall and is very ill, you don't say 'no, sorry, I'm not having anything to do with this, you deal with it'.

Yeah, well that’s is, isn’t it.

MILs own parents were in a care home, she was run ragged with it like I was. So while I do get the “I would never expect my children to look after me like that” outlook, becuase I would never want my children to go through the hell I did with my own dad, it’s just not how life works out. Sometimes, the only people who care enough about you not to leave you to suffer are your children. People can talk about friends all they like, but they usually run for the hills when things get tough (I’ve seen it), and your children will be the only people who care.

I mean, What are my dh and SIL suppose to do, wash their hands of them? And now, of course, PIL only have their children to lean on, and thank god, MIL brought them up to speak her native language so they can talk to Drs etc. But it’s really tough on them and everyone’s life would be so much easier if they lived within a couple of hours drive.

StartAnew · 11/04/2025 09:36

TennesseeStella · 10/04/2025 18:41

I think it's pretty selfish tbh. It will be a massive headache for your children in the future when it comes to arranging any care you may need and sorting out your affairs after you die.

Wow! These guys are around 60 by the sound of it. Should they stay close by for the next 20 or 30 years so it will be more convenient for their children to bury them?

SummerRemembered · 11/04/2025 09:36

There's not much I can add which hasn't already been said but I wanted to add my voice to the notes of caution coming from the point of view of an adult child left behind in this situation.

I was 21 when my parents left to live on a fairly remote Greek island. I was genuinely delighted for them, and in many ways still am - everyone should be able to live their dream, no matter what your age BUT living your dream comes with strings attached - in this case the need to plan very very carefully for all eventualities.

At 21 years old (my parents were mid-50s) I begged my parents to look into the Greek healthcare system and to consider what would happen if one or both of them became seriously unwell. I also impressed on them the benefit of keeping a base in the UK but they laughed all of this off, saying I was being morbid and they just wanted to set off for a life of sunshine and happiness. Beyond that, whatever would be would be...

On the plus side, I do think they became healthier and lived a better retirement than they would have done here but my dad's good health fell off a cliff very suddenly and their lack of planning became apparent. The actual healthcare my dad received was good but what they lacked was the emotional support. There was an expectation that I'd be there on a monthly basis which just wasn't possible so we all started to resent each other.

Mum has been extra needy since dad died. She is determined to keep living there and, to be honest, doesn't have a choice - for reasons set out by others on this thread, she is unable to find somewhere to live back in the UK. So she wants to make the most of her life there but she also wants to live as if I'm just around the corner.

For everyone who thinks it's great to have cheap holidays on tap, the other way of looking at it is that my choice of how to spend holiday time has been totally removed for my entire adult life. The place my mum lives is not served by cheap, nor frequent flights so I have to set aside £8k per year to visit 2-3 times, which is the minimum I can do, yet she expects more. I have severe wanderlust and would love to visit other places but I don't have the option to do that. it also means there is never a break in my life, which has become more true as my parents became older and more dependent. I work in a stressful job and would love some downtime but pretty much all my annual leave is now spent caring for my mum and navigating Greek bureaucracy. There's no mental/emotional let up in my life and my mental health is suffering. As mum has gotten older, there's also very little chance of actually enjoying the island - we don't visit beauty spots or tourist sites, we don't go to the beach or eat local food; we spend the time helping her around the house.

In short, I'm not saying don;t do it. If this is what you want and the alternative is living a life of regret then you absolutely should. You need to consider everything carefully though - the bureaucracy that others have mentioned but also other practicalities: How many flights per week to your chosen location? What would be the cost? Is it likely that any of your children will move for work or otherwise - if so, how will that affect their ability to continue to visit you, or for you to see them on visits back to the UK? How would you genuinely feel if you go 1 year, 2 years, 3 year without a visit from one of your children? Would you resent them if they say that this year they are taking their kids to Disneyland instead?

Realistically, you need two plans: The first to cover your mid-50s-70s, and then a second for the next 20(ish) years. In my experience health drops off dramatically around 80 years old so perhaps plan for a life abroad for the earlier period and then something more practical afterwards? Or stay abroad but with everything meticulously planned.

And I can't stress enough, the importance of keeping a UK base.

LobeliaBaggins · 11/04/2025 09:38

pinkfloralcurtains · 11/04/2025 09:35

Because if you’re a parent it’s the bare minimum expected of you.

Do you ask your dog or cat to be grateful to you for owning it?

We will have to agree to disagree. Different cultures.

My DC are not dogs or cats and I find that comparison odd.

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 11/04/2025 09:41

GnomeDePlume · 11/04/2025 09:33

Even with lots of paid care someone has to coordinate it, make sure that there is cover if a carer leaves/goes sick/just doesn't turn up. Someone has to coordinate adjustments to the home if they become necessary.

What I have seen with family and friends is the need for help happening quite suddenly. My DM went from living independently in her own bungalow to living in a care home in a wheelchair with dementia in the space of 3 months.

Same with my dad. Completely normal, driving, living on his own in the February, still tutoring A level students in maths at the age of 84 (retired teacher), sharp as a tack, doing DIY.

By the August that year, he was in a care home with vascular dementia, unable to separate reality from the fictional, hellish world in his head and not able to remember what year it was, feed or wash himself.

My point is, no one can predict how fast health issues can come on. Thank god he only lived an hour from me.

SuziQuinto · 11/04/2025 09:43

Ohbellayoubigtwat · 11/04/2025 09:41

Same with my dad. Completely normal, driving, living on his own in the February, still tutoring A level students in maths at the age of 84 (retired teacher), sharp as a tack, doing DIY.

By the August that year, he was in a care home with vascular dementia, unable to separate reality from the fictional, hellish world in his head and not able to remember what year it was, feed or wash himself.

My point is, no one can predict how fast health issues can come on. Thank god he only lived an hour from me.

It's awful, isn't it? So distressing. I'm glad that I was only a 4 hour drive away, and could just go to sort stuff out. It's exhausting and draining anyway without additional complications.

CatsWhiskerz · 11/04/2025 09:43

My mum moved to Australia which she enjoyed but it did cause some issues such as she became unwell and wouldn't travel, so she missed my wedding and never met my children. I was going to visit her but I fell pregnant with my second child and was advised not to fly and she died when my DS was 3 months old. I don't get a chance to see her before she died but her partner did bring her ashes home to the UK so we could lay her to rest in our family plot
It sounds like you're closer to home though so I doubt things will be quite as awkward, and as for the children they'll have great holidays and childcare will just have to be their responsibility

Dozycuntlaters · 11/04/2025 09:44

MY parents moved out to Spain when us three kids were all independent and I think it was a big mistake doing it without leaving a base in the UK. My son is 22, no way would I ever move abroad with him being so young, especially as he still lives at home. Does your 21 still live with you?

Mum and dad lived out there quite happily for a few years but then of course grandchildren came along, my mums health got worse and all she wanted to do was come home. Despite what people think of our NHS, the health care in the UK is much better than Spain, and in the end my parents ended up buying a static caravan so mum could live out her days in the UK nearer her kids and grandkids.

Could you not have the best of both worlds? Have the winters in Spain, come back to the UK for a few months in the summer, as summers in Spain are hot hot hot. You should trial it first, get a long term winter rental for say 6 months and see what you think? It's one thing to holiday in a country and absolutely love it, quite another to live there 12 months of the year.

CharSiu · 11/04/2025 09:45

@RebeccaNoodles If you have money you can get a visa relatively easily. You need retirement income for Spain of around 30k and health insurance though you can in some instances use their public system. It was before Brexit but DH Father retired to Spain and DH Uncle retired to the South of France. I think for a couple, it’s about 3k income per month.

Stressymadre · 11/04/2025 09:47

I would echo a lot of what has been said. My dad moved abroad a few years ago now and he is very very happy there (no partner, just him) but I miss him and so do my kids. We only see him once a year and I have to go to him, so as someone else said, my summer holidays every year are dictated by that. I'd love to take the children somewhere else but I can't afford to do both and I can't not visit my dad. I'm happy for him, I do wish he'd stayed put- hurt me a bit tbh that he chose to go so far away and that he chooses to not visit us. My children have asked me if I will do the same and I honestly don't think I could. I want to have a relationship with my future grandchildren as my kids have definitely missed out.

Comedycook · 11/04/2025 09:48

I've read many threads on these boards from adult children who are trying to help infirm and struggling elderly parents who retired abroad. Id also check that if you returned to the UK, you'd still be entitled to help and care.

It's one of those things which sounds like a nice dream, but in reality, I think multiple long holidays per year is more practical.

Dozycuntlaters · 11/04/2025 09:49

And to answer your question of having a meaningful relationship with your grandkids when you live abroad........you won't. My son loved my mum and dad and loved spending time with them, but it was so few and far between that I wouldn't call it a relationship. I found that really sad, he didn't know them and they didn't know him, not really. But that's a sacrifice you make if you move away. Only my opinion though, I'm sure many other would see it differently.

RealTimeData · 11/04/2025 09:53

ClawsandEffect · 11/04/2025 08:50

Yes! Exactly. Where I live now (my UK city) I was originally able to fly directly to 2 of the countries I worked in from my local airport (NE). It was one of the reasons I chose those destinations. NOW direct flights to both have stopped. For one of the countries, I would have to travel to a London airport (almost 300 miles) or do a 2 part journey with a transfer. Either way, the process which used to be about 6 hours end to end, is now at least half a day, if not longer.

Yes, when we settled in the UK (I'm English partner is Danish) we had several convenient flights and an overnight ferry service to choose from. The ferry service is long gone and the flight routes are ever changing or cancelled.

LobeliaBaggins · 11/04/2025 09:55

I would rent and keep my base in the UK for a bit and see how you go.

louba85 · 11/04/2025 10:09

My parents moved abroad about 20 years ago for their retirement. My older siblings were in university at the time and I had finished school but was too young to be independant and had no choice but to go with them. That really was not a good move for me but that's another story.
At the time lots of other young retired couples were moving from the UK to the area and there was quite an expat community.
20 years later, I can only see the negatives personnaly. My parents never learned the language and intregrated and are now aging poorly in a country where they have difficulty communicating, it's extrememly isolating. Financially they are in a much poorer position then if they had stayed in the UK.
Most of the other expats that moved over at the time have moved back to the UK at a loss to be closer to thier families in old age.
For my siblings that stayed in the UK, thier relationship with my parents is poor, they feel resentment for my parents abandonning them as young adults, even if on paper they were old enough to "fend for themselves", and rarely visit. Even if there were no bad feelings, my siblings have no connection to the country my parents live in and, quite the opposite of enjoying "free holidays" they feel trapped in to having to visit an area they otherwise would not choose to spend their holidays in.
Most of the UK families we knew moved back to the UK when grandchildren came along, as they realised being close to family was more important than "a place in the sun!".

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