Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Retiring abroad and leaving adult children

239 replies

BrusselsPate · 10/04/2025 15:19

DH and I are looking into retiring abroad (currently live in the UK) possibly France, Italy or Spain. We've worked out that financially this would be possible in 3-5 years time.
We have 3 adult children, one is completely independent with their own children; one will be moving out (moving away for work) and financially independent within the next year, but the youngest (21) will need help financially for a few more years (which will be provided by the house sale if we moved abroad).
I just feel that I might be being a bit selfish by not providing a family base in the UK, particularly for the younger two, and also by not being around during retirement for more grandparent duties, that I'm not currently able to provide due to working full time.
Has anyone else made the move abroad full time without keeping a base in their home country, once their children had grown up and how have you found it? And anyone with grandchildren, how do you manage to keep up a meaningful relationship with them?

OP posts:

Cornflakes44 · 10/04/2025 19:41

My dad and his wife moved abroad and whilst I totally agree you should live your own life it does mean we don’t really have much of a relationship, and they have very little with my kids. My mum on the other hand is around and very much a part of their lives. It feels like a clear message has been sent from my dad as to how important we are to him. I also see him coming back to the UK soon when he needs the healthcare over here and feeling like he can slot back into family life, which I don’t think I’ll be up for.

MissAmbrosia · 10/04/2025 19:56

Hmm, we live abroad and have discussed going back to UK (or Italy or Spain). DD is due to graduate this year and I have no idea at the moment where she might end up next. Ultimately I hate the idea of being far away from her and any potential GC, but I maybe have no control over this. I do want to make sure she's a bit settled before I make any big decisions though.

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2025 20:00

Thing is we could stay in The UK to be on hand for future GC etc but I would be a bit disappointed for my DC if they stayed here. They have the whole world open to them (EU passports) and there is no way we are staying in The UK just in case they do
DD will probably end up in Australia or similar and who knows with DS? They can alsways live with us wherever we are if they need to but we are not staying in The UK just in case they do too.

RebeccaNoodles · 10/04/2025 20:41

I’m curious, if you don’t have EU passports what visa exactly is there that allows you to live in Europe permanently? Will you have to come back every 90 days?

MadeForThis · 10/04/2025 20:43

My parents moved abroad when I was 25. It was fine. Visited every few months. Probably about the same frequency as if they were still home - but I stayed longer.

As we grew up and had kids we still visited 2-3 times a year. Now the kids are in school it's only once a year. But DM visits us once a year too.

We speak on the phone most weeks. I do worry what will happen if DM needs care but we will deal with that if we have to.

DF died 5 years ago and DM is adamant she wants to stay abroad. All her friends are there now. It's a better climate and we all would be at work at home anyway.

Honest advice - speak to your DC. If they are happy then just go. You don't want to miss the opportunity and regret what could have been. You can always come home.

Octavia64 · 10/04/2025 20:50

My in laws looked into it but decided not to do it.

they were looking at France. They have relatives in France.

realistically it can be very difficult. It’s ok as long as you are in good health. At the point you are not, there’s no family other than your spouse, and you have to navigate an unfamiliar health system in an unfamiliar language.

realistically your relationship with your children will be much more distant - more phone calls and coming to stay in holidays. Grandchildren are very hard to build a relationship with through phone calls and FaceTime and parents will be reluctant to give you too much of their precious holiday time so you won’t see them much.

in laws decided against it, mostly on the advice of the French relatives who told them how difficult it would be.

amyboo · 10/04/2025 20:51

My parents did this when I was in my early 20s. I was already living abroad at the time. My Dad then got sick and died 6 years in. Fast forward 13 years and I’m left with a mother who’s stuck living in rural France, trapped because she’s got used to a better healthcare system, one of my siblings lives in a non EU country, the other one has settled in a very expensive part of the UK. So essentially I’m going to be stuck with my Mum moving to the country where I’m settled. Great.

All was fine until parents start getting sick, elderly, etc. And for what it’s worth, my parents moved when the UK was still in the EU so things were a looooot easier, and my Mum took the nationality 10 years ago. Don’t underestimate healthcare costs and access when you’re a foreigner. Oh and the language barrier - especially when you get older, start going deaf etc. I honestly wish my parents had never moved.

Capricornandproud · 10/04/2025 20:57

Erm… most glaringly obvious question is, aren’t you going to miss your kids? This seems incredibly selfish to me.

Away2000 · 10/04/2025 20:57

I can definitely see the appeal of it and would love to move abroad someday (before children are grown). My dad (my only parent) moved abroad when I was 18 and it definitely made life harder not having somewhere I could go back to during uni breaks etc. Your children are older though so it maybe less of an issue. In regards to grandchildren - my dad does ask for updates on them, but they do not have a close relationship. Health issues are also a concern - I do worry what would happen if he was to need care.

amyboo · 10/04/2025 20:58

FWIW I don’t begrudge my parents for moving and not being near me. I begrudge the fact that they didn’t keep a UK base or think beyond their late 50s to think what they might be like as they got older. It was selfish and short-sighted. And while you might say you won’t expect your children to look after you when you’re older, you have no idea what you might do if one or both of you gets sick.

I moved abroad when I was early 20s, speak the language fluently, as do my DH and kids, and I’ve worked here my whole adult life. It’s a very different situation to what my parents did.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 10/04/2025 21:13

Plenty of families live in across different countries, it’s not selfish at all. You’re not obligated to be available for childcare. Plus, eventually your grandchildren will be able to visit you abroad and spend their holidays with you if you’re in good health.

My best childhood memories were my summer holidays in France with my uncles.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 10/04/2025 21:19

BrusselsPate · 10/04/2025 18:35

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned in what ways are things no longer going well for the people you know who have moved abroad?

A lot of the same things described elsewhere in the thread: visits on both sides really tailing off as the parents got older and adult DCs got more tied down, and both sides finding that made it harder to keep the relationship. Grandparents who are very hurt that small grandchildren who see them once a year aren't too fussed about facetiming them. The parents getting older and having health crises and this being really hard and bewildering for them, in a foreign country, and very, very stressful for their distant adult DC. On the other hand, a couple have moved back now they need lots more help and their adult DC are, understandably, not delighted that they went away for the good bit of their retirement but are now back and expecting lots from them.

Supersimkin7 · 10/04/2025 21:23

How are you future proofing it? Dementia, strokes, failing health and failing mental powers are no joke to manage from
abroad.

Trumpsgoneloco · 10/04/2025 21:31

A lot of older people I know who retired to France have moved back.

Trumpsgoneloco · 10/04/2025 21:32

Or want to but can't afford it.

Lazycatsitsonthemat · 11/04/2025 04:57

The thing is. Depending on where you live and where your children live in the UK, it can take less time to fly than to drive or take the train in the same country. My GC are an eight hour drive away within the UK. If I was in France I would probably see them more often. They are travelling up to visit tomorrow and the train journey is over seven hours from the in laws. With small children that’s an absolute nightmare. If we visit them we can’t stay as they don’t have the space, so it’s all very expensive and time consuming.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 11/04/2025 05:25

It is selfish versus “You can always come back…..”

To what? A lot of people do this, then turn up at the local housing office a few years later, money spent, needing a hip operation or in a worse situation after having a stroke. Demanding a bungalow, after not contributing to UK for the last 20 years, with no family that are willing to help them or alternatively a daughter who is expected to drop everything even though they have done nothing practical for her until this point. They find out that there is a massive waiting list, have to move in with daughter or live in a park home / caravan, impractical with their health condition, no money to buy a bungalow or flat.

It is selfish. Living abroad is for the rich. The TV shows sell a dream and walk away.

Philandbill · 11/04/2025 05:34

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 10/04/2025 21:19

Show quote history

Managing / supporting aged parent health crisis when they are several hours away in the UK is proving stressful, I can't imagine how much harder it would be if they were abroad.

Climbinghigher · 11/04/2025 05:47

Where would you stay when you had to come back here? I didn’t vote for Brexit but the people I know in Spain who are British passport holders only have to come back here every 3 months for 3 months

justmeandmyselfandi · 11/04/2025 05:54

I think it's selfish too given they are still quite young. Have you realised that you're unlikely to have much of a relationship with them as well as any grandchildren? Speaking from experience with family members who have done this (although they were never particularly engaged parents either). The main thing for your children is to know that you are there when you need them and they can come home. People lose jobs, relationships breakdown etc. Personally I'd wait a few more years.

MaryPoppinsAtAll · 11/04/2025 05:57

Hi OP,

I think that being far from our children is likely to be difficult. My DH and I were both far from our parents and it just made things difficult and there was a lot of low level conflict. There was never a way to fix it, because when we were there in person we only had a very little time and it was no the time for hard conversations.

Conversely, I noticed that my immediate neighbours, even if I didn't like them much, we did get on well, purely because I saw those people often. I think the very fact that I smile at my neighbour when I put the bins out cements our good relationship. My inlaws conversely are too far away and every contact I have with them is under stress, very infrequent, and seems to make things worse.

In the end my own parents moved here and we have become closer and more like a happy family. My inlaws in end, stopped bothering with us and are now in open conflict.

So I think the risk in moving abroad is not that your kids won't have a safe place to stay, so much as that you might grow apart from them. Then when the time comes that you might like to move back, you might find it's too hard and that the new place in spain or wherever is actually where your friends are.

I wonder if it might be better to have lots of holidays abroad, but to keep living here? Maybe you could get a camper van or a boat even and just enjoy a few years travelling, but keep your home and your relationships here?

BeethovenNinth · 11/04/2025 06:07

Of the few I know who have done this, it’s not been easy as time has gone on. In one case, my friend was very resentful and as she had kids, there was less contact. My other friend is having a nightmare with elderly parents who retired to Spain and the mother has dementia and they can’t afford to move back easily….

GnomeDePlume · 11/04/2025 06:33

Looking at what has happened within my own family and also with friends I can see that decline at an older age can happen very suddenly. This can mean there is no time to prepare. A trip or a fall can mean an extended hospital stay and possibly no return home afterwards.

The parents of a friend decided to move to their dream location on retirement 4 hours away from friend. Parents are now elderly, infirm, needing carers 4x per day plus medical visits. Coordinating care visits, food shopping, hospital trips etc all from a distance is giving my friend huge stress. Despite having all this done for them parents are in no way grateful and complain, a lot.

Everyone says they wont expect support from family, the reality is that it is often needed.

LobeliaBaggins · 11/04/2025 06:36

So it's not selfish for adult children to.move wherever they wish in pursuit of a better life, but it's selfish for parents to do so?
Would it be ok if I moved somewhere where I can afford full time paid care so my DC dont have to lift a finger?

GrazeConcern · 11/04/2025 06:44

What is the appeal of it vs taking some longer holidays in an air BnB for say a month at a time and living like a local?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10