Retiring abroad and leaving adult children

[BrusselsPate]

DH and I are looking into retiring abroad (currently live in the UK) possibly France, Italy or Spain. We've worked out that financially this would be possible in 3-5 years time.
We have 3 adult children, one is completely independent with their own children; one will be moving out (moving away for work) and financially independent within the next year, but the youngest (21) will need help financially for a few more years (which will be provided by the house sale if we moved abroad).
I just feel that I might be being a bit selfish by not providing a family base in the UK, particularly for the younger two, and also by not being around during retirement for more grandparent duties, that I'm not currently able to provide due to working full time.
Has anyone else made the move abroad full time without keeping a base in their home country, once their children had grown up and how have you found it? And anyone with grandchildren, how do you manage to keep up a meaningful relationship with them?

How are you managing to move abroad with all the restrictions EU countries now have? That aside, I left home at 18 and have always been independent so I think a 21 year old should be able to look after themselves.even if you do give some financial support.

I would do it and put yourself first. Your children will visit you a lot! Free holidays are a big draw.

How do your adult children feel about it .
Mine were still living at home untill 26 ,saving up for a mortgage
We have thoughts about moving away ,not aboard,but a good day's drive .
Don't know if we could actually leave them behind tho

Do you have an EU passport?

If not are you a) loaded b) have a plan to get a visa c) looked at the healthcare options?

When I was in my 20s I knew a lot of people whose parents were doing this as they themselves were in their late 50s or 60s and retiring. The best part of 20 years on, it is not going very well in any of their cases.

I'm on the other side of this, my parents moved abroad when I was 18ish, it has improved their health and lifestyle so much and I'm glad they put their needs first

Our relationship was great at first, I'd go visit them regularly, we'd telephone each other a few times a week and it wasn't all that different from living together before they moved.

Then I met my partner and had children of my own, we spoke less, visiting with young children became difficult and as my parents have gotten older their ability to travel has decreased, my dad no longer comes to the UK, my mum doesn't like leaving him alone due to his health. We also rarely talk on the phone and I very much feel like I'm not an important aspect of their lives anymore, same with their grandchildren.

If you do it, just make sure you make the effort to keep in touch with your children and not make them feel forgotten about.

With regards to Brexit, visas and finance, no we're not loaded. But we've always lived fairly frugally, have a fair bit of equity in our home, and both have pensions that we can take before our state pension age. I've also researched the visa situation so know what to expect.
@Rainbowpug my youngest is absolutely fine with it, DC 2 doesn't even want us to move to the next town (because they won't have anywhere to stay when visiting their friends!), and oldest just says it's ok, but I think they'd rather we stayed.
@Candlekiax I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with your parents seems to have drifted. This is what I'm worried about, especially with already having DGC. This is probably what's more of a dilemma than the youngest 2 dc. I'm also aware that as we age we may not be able to travel as easily, but Id always be open to returning to the UK if needed, for whatever reason.

I think it's fine, but you'd be a bit selfish to move back when you're older and expect a lot of help from them.

@Anxioustealady I'd never expect my children to look after me in my old age. It's more that if I couldn't travel I'd probably want to move back nearer to them to be able to see them still.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned in what ways are things no longer going well for the people you know who have moved abroad?

I think it's pretty selfish tbh. It will be a massive headache for your children in the future when it comes to arranging any care you may need and sorting out your affairs after you die.

My own experience of my parents moving abroad when I was a young adult isn’t great.

By the time I reached my thirties and starting my own family, I was left managing all 4 elderly grandparents who were all in terminal decline. My mother would pop back for the funerals, pretend to be devastated then disappear again a few days later.

Things didnt work out abroad long term and my mother is now back looking to me to provide the type of support I was giving my grandparents while she was off living her expat lifestyle. However, she now is shocked to discover I’m only willing to put in as much effort with her as she did for her own parents (ie the square root of fuck all)

This might seem harsh, but I wasn’t able to return to work for years after babies because of the additional caring duties which were dumped on me. So I am trying now to focus on my own job to make sure I can try and boost my own pension potential

Ironically, my brother has moved abroad himself now and my mother is fuming that’s he’s not stuck around to support her through her dotage either

We're planning something along these lines but it'll be more like spending winter months abroad and UK/Europe in spring summer.

But this would only be once I'm satisfied that DCs are happy with jobs etc.

We will keep a base here though as I will definitely want to be here far more if we're lucky enough to have DGC.

DHs parents did something similar and spent at least 6 months abroad every year starting from when DHs younger brother was 21. Tbh I think it was a mistake as he still needed some guidance about careers, ended up in a dead end job and struggled to make ends meet. If his parents had helped him get on a better career path before going away I think it would have made all their lives easier and less stressful.

We plan to downsize to a small 2/3 bed flat in about 5 years in The UK, buy a camper van and then spend most of our time in Europe (DH has EU nationality).
The kids will be mid/early 20's by then and I feel no guilt about it at all.

Have you taken into consideration what will happen when one/both of you are elderly and start having increasing health and care needs?

It's a challenge being in hospital or trying to find care in a foreign system where you don't speak the language and don't have your DCs to call on to help out.

Start learning the language of your chosen country now, if you are not already fluent. When we lived in France, a lot of Brits were really isolated by not being fluent in French, not only is it much harder to deal,with the truly amazing bureaucracy but your friendship circle is very restricted.

Also, don’t under estimate the difficulties of moving back if you have no British property. The prices of UK houses had almost doubled in the years we were in France, our French house was more or less what we paid for it ( and we had done a lot of work).

Personally I wouldn't dream of leaving adult children and moving to another country. I wd hate to be so far away.

Especially not being fluent in the language of the new country. It puts you at such a huge disadvantage.

Some people do not like our climate and leave on those grounds. I personally hated living abroad in my thirties and I was only gone a year!

My ILs have retired abroad, they’d been expats for 30 years before that so DH was used to being a country away from them from when he was 18 and came back for university.

Our DC are now teenagers, they have a great relationship with their GPs, as do we!

We have WhatsApp groups, share photos and day to day stuff on there, we go to see them once every other year, they come back most years. We always always make it a big deal and do as many experiences as we can so the kids have loads of memories with them from growing up. In fact they are going to visit this summer on their own for the first time and can’t wait!

We have discussed long term plans, what happens when their health declines or something happens, you just need to be open about it.

I really don't want to be negative as maybe others PPs have had better experiences but DM was very friendly with a couple who moved abroad after retirement in the early 00s. The couple struggled at first as they hadn't bothered to learn the local language and so had a tricky start, but then lived fairly well for 8 years. But then additional grandchildren came along which meant it was too expensive and time consuming for their DC and families to visit more than once a year, if that. Then sadly DFriends health declined with strokes and early dementia and they became reliant on local carers who scammed them out of money. Her DC are stuck as they can't afford to move her back for care here now she's widowed until after the court case, if ever.
I realise it's tricky to future proof for all eventualities but you need to talk through ideas about age and infirmity, language skills and financial acumen which could throw up a few challenges.

Most of my family have lived abroad at some point and I can't stress enough how important it is to have a base to come back to, either for regular visits, or permanently if things don't work out.
Regarding grandchildren, DS has never lived in the same country as his grandparents but has a wonderful relationship with both his grandmas and other relatives. If you visit regularly, talk about them, and with telephone calls and postcards etc you can still build and maintain a loving relationship - although the parents will need to help facilate that.

We retired in Spain 6 years ago in our early 50s. DC aged mid-20s settled in work and own home. We’re now grandparents 🥰 and try to get back to UK every few months. The other grandparents live nearby in UK and are far more involved, but we accept this and hope that as our GC get older it will be a nice opportunity to come and stay with us for holidays.
We’ve made sure we’ll be able to return to live in UK if we decide to, but for now we’re enjoying our retirement whilst we’re fairly young and don’t feel at all guilty.

Personally I wouldn't want to do this as I'd be sad to not see much of my grandchildren (I don't have any yet but hope to in a few years). Of course it's up to you though.

I have always wanted to live by the beach, in a very quiet, specific area, only 10 miles away from where I currently live.

I can probably, just about, afford to buy a house there without selling my current home (would rent it out). However, my son and grandchildren live near where I currently live so I consequently see a lot of them. Also, the area I want to move to is quite remote and has no public transport and no local shop/GP.

I am not yet 60. Yet I have decided that due to the proximity of my family, lack of public transport (for when I'm older and possibly can't drive) and shops/GP, that I have left it too late to move. This is only TEN miles away remember.

Retirement is not the age to make big changes. It's the time to be practical and work out what we might need and want in the next stage of our life.

You'll want to regularly see your grandchildren. You won't be able to. Your relationship with your children will suffer. It will be VERY hard to move back to the UK when you're older. House prices will have left you behind and the organisation of it as an elderly person (rather than a recent retiree) will need you to rely on the children.

I've lived overseas a lot, in several different countries. Living there is very very different to holidaying there. Many European cultures are very insular and don't take well to Brits abroad (holiday makers are OK). It can be very isolating, unless you live in a British enclave overseas.

The very time I wouldn't want to move overseas would be in retirement. A holiday property maybe, but retaining a UK base. Never a permanent move. I can't imagine trying to deal with Spanish bureaucracy without an employer to try to guide me through that treacle!

The care thing is the thing that will impact your children the most

if you can afford it all so they don't have to sort it either from afar or travel to you, go ahead

if you plan to return, try to do it at an age when crises aren't highly likely already

my best friend's parents were away from 55 to 70. They always planned to return by then. Luckily no crises while they were there. One diagnosed with cancer within a year of returning.

are you all right for the medical care out there or would you have to come back here?

I know a woman who emigrated with her 2nd husband and left her two daughters back here with only a distant aunt. Their own dad had moved back to Latin America long since and the grandparents had died.

The youngest daughter was only 21 too young if you ask me to be left with no family nearby although they were two sisters so had each other. I know early retirement was attractive to the couple but to start over early 60s for me wd be incredibly daunting.

Then we are all different. Getting fluent in a language as we get older must be pretty impossible unless you are living with native speakers.