Retiring abroad and leaving adult children

[BrusselsPate]

DH and I are looking into retiring abroad (currently live in the UK) possibly France, Italy or Spain. We've worked out that financially this would be possible in 3-5 years time.
We have 3 adult children, one is completely independent with their own children; one will be moving out (moving away for work) and financially independent within the next year, but the youngest (21) will need help financially for a few more years (which will be provided by the house sale if we moved abroad).
I just feel that I might be being a bit selfish by not providing a family base in the UK, particularly for the younger two, and also by not being around during retirement for more grandparent duties, that I'm not currently able to provide due to working full time.
Has anyone else made the move abroad full time without keeping a base in their home country, once their children had grown up and how have you found it? And anyone with grandchildren, how do you manage to keep up a meaningful relationship with them?

That's fine but when you get too frail to enjoy that lifestyle and can't get the home help you need to help with things like cleaning, taking you shopping for your basics, personal care, appointments, etc, that's when it gets bad. This is the situation my parents will be facing. They may think it's worth it at this time for the life they've enjoyed there, but they did come to me to be POA, which I have declined unless they move closer to me, which they can't, so they are stuck.

Having just spent another Sunday afternoon with my wheelchair bound, dementia suffering DM, I do feel that retiring abroad is folly.

Retiring at 60-65 you might get 10 'good' years. After that you are likely to start to see physical ailments creeping in, you might also be starting to experience cognitive issues.

How will that shake out? In a country where you aren't truly part of the system.

In some parts of the world it's a damn sight cheaper to pay for care than in the uk. And it's not guaranteed that you will become incapable and need all that doing anyway. My parents ( and grandparents) were able to do stuff for themselves without needing care from others

And how would it help being old and needy in UK if the DC has actually gone abroad themselves. Or even don't live close. One of mine plans to move out of UK asato. Another is 400 miles away. Not much help for the asking to appts etc

Not everyone has children who have gone abroad. Obviously we are talking about those choosing to move away from existing and willing local supports. Care is not cheap where my parents are.

My parents are more than an hours drive from their nearest medical facility. An hour to their nearest supermarket. I'm not saying don't do it, I'm saying make sure you do it with a plan for if you do need extra help. Mine are just starting to show that eventually, they will need some help, and most people do. They're also starting to show signs of poor decisions due to not having any other choice (like driving home from medical procedures when explicitly told not to). They haven't got a plan and have their heads firmly in the sand. All I'll be able to do is leave them to the consequences of their choices, because I have my own limitations with the distance.

But is it reasonable to expect even local relatives to be dealing with your care stuff. I have a daughter lives 10 mins away. She has a full time job a couple of kids etc. where will she be finding the time to do care stuff for me

It seems your parents chose to live in the middle of nowhere. Which country that is in is mostly irrelevant. If I moved to a rural area in north of England then would be in the same position. Even though in same country as a couple of my kids

Whatever is reasonable for other people, I was happy to be their POA and make sure they were cared for and doing okay in general. Unfortunately none of that is an option and I anticipate having to contact the authorities in their local area when the wheels come off.

It’s a hell of a lot easier to sort out care, health services and then funerals, estates and house clearances when you’re in the same country, even at a distance, and you speak the same language.

I'm in this situation potentially. DH wants to live somewhere hot and hardly ever come back to the UK. I don't mind being away for a few months but I want to see the DC regularly and definitely DGC should we be so fortunate.

I don't think we'd split up over it but we could definitely end up spending several months apart each year which I'm perfectly fine with. We'll be keeping a house here and I'll have plenty to occupy me with friends and family and hobbies etc.

Plus I don't like hot weather all year round, as crazy as that sounds to most people!

I don't like hot weather all year either! Love our seasons in the UK. Really enjoy a hot couple of weeks but not permanently.

I personally couldn't leave my children and grandchildren. Sadly, my DD has moved to Australia and my DS is trying to move to USA to be with his girlfriend, so the decision is out of my hands. I'm gutted that when grandchildren come along, I won't really have a relationship with them. No way would I inflict that on myself by choice!

My parents retired abroad when I was in my 20s. I’m really glad they did, they’re much happier and we have a good relationship. I don’t get to go over as much as I like now but I also don’t get to visit my hometown much either (I live 9 hours away) so I don’t think that would be different even if they stayed.

My partners parents had a similar “ I could never do that to my children” attitude when I told them mine lived abroad, but they also get upset and frustrated that we aren’t able to visit them often and put a lot of pressure on us to do so.

I find it’s much easier spending time with my parents, partly because they’re my parents but also because they seem happier in general and it makes for a more enjoyable time. Parters parents seem to wait around for him to visit and don’t live their own life (imo).

I have a friend who bases her whole life around her children who find her suffocating . She has no hobbies or interests and retired early on a small pension. It’s so important to live life for yourself and not be hanging on to see children and grandchildren. Family is important , but not the whole focus of life.

They all say that.... Then the dementia creeps up but their belief in their own capabilities doesn't waver. "No, we don't need any care, we're fine" when the evidence says otherwise then a 150 mile drive to them is tricky enough.

Personally I could never do this,but family is very important to me
Not just my own DC but also my sisters , DNs

But you do you

However you probably have to accept that you won’t be as close to the family,particularly any GC

I have known a few people do this and now after 20 years it’s not ideal as due to aging they are struggling a bit and trying to come back
But they have had 20 or so good years