Retiring abroad and leaving adult children

[BrusselsPate]

DH and I are looking into retiring abroad (currently live in the UK) possibly France, Italy or Spain. We've worked out that financially this would be possible in 3-5 years time.
We have 3 adult children, one is completely independent with their own children; one will be moving out (moving away for work) and financially independent within the next year, but the youngest (21) will need help financially for a few more years (which will be provided by the house sale if we moved abroad).
I just feel that I might be being a bit selfish by not providing a family base in the UK, particularly for the younger two, and also by not being around during retirement for more grandparent duties, that I'm not currently able to provide due to working full time.
Has anyone else made the move abroad full time without keeping a base in their home country, once their children had grown up and how have you found it? And anyone with grandchildren, how do you manage to keep up a meaningful relationship with them?

I don't live in a posh part of the UK.
Nor do I "live in a cave" 🤔
My point is simple. It is easier and more convenient to drive to visit someone, rather than having to travel by plane.
That is all.

That is your opinion. Many people prefer to fly in my circle as it is more relaxing for them.

Good for the people in your circle. They obviously don't live in a cave like me.

I don't know, but I think you should be having conversations with your children to get a view of what they think.

I agree with this. Routes can change too - I know 2 people who moved to the UK and enjoyed direct flights from our city to their home cities in Europe which made the journey perfectly doable, although difficult for their elderly relatives which meant they had to do the visiting. The routes then stopped, so what was a simple journey then became a far less simple journey involving hours of driving at the other end for them.

If you are going to move abroad, make sure that you're either moving to somewhere that's on a v popular flight route or that there's another way of getting home if the flights are stopped or cancelled.

Will you move back when you’re too old to travel ?

Various visas. Spain has an NLV which you need certain funds for.
France has an inactif.
There are ways round it.
There’s the golden visa in Portugal.

This is somewhat similar to my own experience. It has been so good for them. Lower cost of living, better climate, outside more, etc. Myself and dh would visit regularly for the first few years. Now with dc and different jobs it’s more difficult. We only have limited annual leave, dc nursery fees eat at savings and we don’t want the same holiday every year. we go once a year for a week or five days. I guess it depends if that’s enough for you. It works reasonably well for us but I do wish I had more help with childcare. DM hopes as dc get older they could come and stay for longer periods of summer holidays themself. I’m not sure whether this will pan out for two reasons, 1 limited meaningful relationship so would dc want to? 2 could they manage when the time comes?

Yes! Exactly. Where I live now (my UK city) I was originally able to fly directly to 2 of the countries I worked in from my local airport (NE). It was one of the reasons I chose those destinations. NOW direct flights to both have stopped. For one of the countries, I would have to travel to a London airport (almost 300 miles) or do a 2 part journey with a transfer. Either way, the process which used to be about 6 hours end to end, is now at least half a day, if not longer.

Friends of ours have just moved to France and have applied for residency there- two grown up children in the UK.

You can’t live your lives around your children forever.

Ignore comments about your old age, you are far from old yet and need to live your life now. Make a plan but don't let it spoil what you want now. I doubt offspring moving abroad in their 20s think about what they will do in 20 years time when their parents are older. I would love to have a place family could come to for holidays.

My friend’s parents moved to Spain when she was 21 and she seemed fine at the time but now 20+ years later she sees it as an abandonment and their relationship was never the same again.

Of course, everyone can live how and where they choose. But if you choose to move to a different country and leave your family behind, you have to adjust your expectations accordingly. If you’re happy to move away from them, you can’t expect them to keep coming to you. It works both ways.

Plus it depends where your family live in the UK. It's cheaper and easier to get to large parts of France from Kent than it is to get to Manchester.

My parents-in-law did this, they moved to France when they were in their early sixties. It was great whilst they were in good health, maybe the first 10 years (they stayed there 16 years in total) but once their health started going it was a nightmare for my wife and me. Her parents never learnt French, they lived in a very isolated hamlet and didn't have any local support, health insurance costs kept going up because of the multitude of problems they both had. There were multiple teary calls and my wife kept going to France to help. They never really made any plans for what would happen if their health went apart from a vague "we'll come back to the UK if all else fails". Which they did eventually, selling the house was very challenging, they bought a shared ownership flat which took almost 2 years to sell after my FIL died. My MIL went first after complications of cancer and my FIL spent the last 2 years of his life in a care home after a stroke which left him bed-bound. We both came close to a nervous breakdown trying to help them move back and then caring for them the last 5 years.

Ideally you won't be the person to do this to your children, learn the language, keep a base in the UK and have a plan B.

My parents did this and as eldest child the caring responsibilities for other siblings fell to me. My house by default became the family home.
once DGC my parents made a huge effort as did we but it’s still been difficult. Holidays are taken over with family visits cutting short opportunities to relax from work.

Just my experience and I’m considering moving to the coast once DC are grown up but only an hour away

Depends really whether you wish to cut yourself off from your adult children, not just be able to visit each other at weekends, spend time with grandchildren without meticulous planning. I wouldn't

It depends on flight and ferry times surely?

My Mum used to live in a city 2.5 hours from me. When she had a brain haemorrhage late one night, I bundled the kids in the car, and was by her hospital bed within 3 hours. If she’d lived in France I’d need to find a flight (probably wouldn’t have been one till the following morning), drive to my nearest airport an hour away, park up, check in, go through all the palaver of passport control etc, get the flight, hire a car in France, and locate the hospital. I’m thinking 12 hours bare minimum.

You can just drive from Kent, and at most times of the year get on a ferry or tunnel pdq.

At midnight?

Yes ferries run every 30 mins 24/7

Ah well there we go, it’s all OK. OP just make sure your family all live in Kent and you move to northern France.

😂😂

I don't understand this - Maidstone (which is in the middle of Kent, just for argument's sake) to Manchester is a 4.5 hour drive. Maidstone to Dover is an hour's drive, then onto the ferry (you have to be there at least an hour before departure), then the crossing which is about 1.5 hours to 2 hours, then the time to disembark, and then a drive to wherever you're going in France which again adds hours onto the journey. That all takes longer than 4.5 hours

Dh parents did this.

Slightly different situation as MIL was born in the country they moved to and is fluent in language (she lived in the UK from the age of 3, but her parents kept the family home for holidays, which MIL inherited and now lives in).

They moved 10 years ago at 68 and 70, it was all “we’d never expect our children to look after us in old age.”

Only, yes, they do. SIL is flying out again tomorrow as FIL had a hip replacement. Dh has had to go out a few times a year as well. They lay it on thick that while they have family over there, they can’t help as they are all getting old too, SIL and dh feel so guilty and can’t say no.

None of us have had a family holiday in years as SIL and dh use up all their holidays from work going over to sort issues out with the house and their health, families can’t go as there is no room for us and it’s quite an expensive place to stay and where they are is quite rural and not a tourist part anyway, so places to stay are expensive and limited.

They didn’t mean it when they said they didn’t expect their children to care for them.

It was hard enough with my dad who had dementia down the road in a care home, PIL are a 3 hour flight and then a 2 hour drive from the closest airport away.

They can’t move back easily as they sold their home here and the economy of the country they moved to isn’t great anymore and no one wants to buy MILs family home in the middle of nowhere, half the homes in the village have been up for sale for years.