Retiring abroad and leaving adult children

[BrusselsPate]

DH and I are looking into retiring abroad (currently live in the UK) possibly France, Italy or Spain. We've worked out that financially this would be possible in 3-5 years time.
We have 3 adult children, one is completely independent with their own children; one will be moving out (moving away for work) and financially independent within the next year, but the youngest (21) will need help financially for a few more years (which will be provided by the house sale if we moved abroad).
I just feel that I might be being a bit selfish by not providing a family base in the UK, particularly for the younger two, and also by not being around during retirement for more grandparent duties, that I'm not currently able to provide due to working full time.
Has anyone else made the move abroad full time without keeping a base in their home country, once their children had grown up and how have you found it? And anyone with grandchildren, how do you manage to keep up a meaningful relationship with them?

Surely that is then selfish of the children for thinking that she may be a burden in the future considering how much she raised them?

I agree about the clear statement.
My parents split when I was 2 but I maintained a relationship with my Dad, initially alternate weekends, then every 2-3 when I was older. This continued once I had kids. He and his wife gave every impression of being enthusiastic grandparents. Then 6 years ago, when the kids were around 10-12, they moved abroad, and I haven’t seen him since. The kids have largely forgotten him. We haven’t visited them (nor they us) for a variety of practical logistical reasons, but ultimately it felt to me like a clear statement that we weren’t particularly important to them. So I wasn’t inclined to go to the enormous lengths and expense involved in visiting.
My Mum lives locally and has a very close relationship with me and her grandchildren. She did lots of childcare for me, and now I’m helping her.

The idea of it appeals to me (we’re late 50s), both our DCs have left home.

However they are such an integral part of our lives that I don’t think the reality of living so far away would be very enjoyable. And this is without grandchildren. I’d miss them too much.

So we’re staying put and having lovely holidays instead.

Definitely keep a UK base. When I worked as an advice worker, I dealt with a number of cases where people had sold up, moved abroad & then needed to come back because things hadn’t worked out. I remember one case where an elderly mother was sleeping on the sofa at her daughters flat because she’d been abroad for 30 years, had nothing left & had failed the habitual residence test

I had planned to do this but have now decided it's definitely not the best decision & will just be having multiple extended holidays.
My SEnD child's needs have changed & they will never live independently & therefore I won't move away. Other child currently at uni & doesn't know where they will end up but has now been diagnosed also & struggles to cope in some areas so needs a little help.
But even before these changes I was concerned about the financial implications of buying abroad & would have kept a base here.
My partner & I have disparate ages also & we were concerned about the implications of this.
Then we get to my Mum & my worries about her health, she is currently 5/6 hrs drive away & with my child's needs & still working at the moment I am not easily able to get to her. So she is moving in while she is still mobile & can make a life in this area. She will still travel abroad for 2/3 months per year to stay with my sibling
Think carefully there are lots of implications but ultimately choosing to be happy for your whole family is important

@Boredlass I’m guessing when parents raise kids they’re mostly living in the same house. Totally different to trying to deal with elderly parents having falls etc when they live in another country.

Surely that is then selfish of the children for thinking that she may be a burden in the future considering how much she raised them?

Parents aren't owed care

But many dc will step up to the plate. Theres a vast difference doing that in the same country vs a different one.

Yes, but if you're flying and crossing international borders, it's a lot more faff than getting in the car and setting off, isn't it?
How long will all these cheap flights last?
Is flying every couple of months sustainable?.

I'm sure that you've planned it all out, know the language, have the appropriate visa, healthcare insurance etc.
I hope that you can relax in the sun. However, remember that flying back and forth may get more difficult, and you will be isolating yourselves to an extent.
Where do you live currently?

I don’t think I would move permanently, we were considering buying abroad but are now thinking we’ll do a long term rent each year. That way we can avoid UK winters and try different places. I am also very conscious that old age can catchup with you rapidly, I don’t want to be in Spain aged 80.

We are encouraging our DC to go where their lives take them especially given the state of the UK currently and given where it seems to be heading. They have multiple options so who knows.

You could always do it for a planned number of years and come back. Do a long term rent so you’ve no ties, esp if house prices are fairly stable where you’re planning to go.

To the poster who commented about people living overseas and then coming back expecting healthcare etc - frankly anyone doing this has almost certainly paid in unlike what seems to be vaste swathes of the current population who have no problem with taking and having what they are ‘entitled to’. So, no, there’s no guilt from me!

Neither are grandchildren.

To the poster who commented about people living overseas and then coming back expecting healthcare etc - frankly anyone doing this has almost certainly paid in unlike what seems to be vaste swathes of the current population who have no problem with taking and having what they are ‘entitled to’

How on earth have you worked that out? The vast majority of people don't contribute enough.

Neither are grandchildren.

I never said otherwise? Maybe reread the response I replied to...

I wouldn’t think twice about it. Surely there’s every chance your DC will leave the UK, too, at some point, temporarily or permanently? I wouldn’t hang about the some dutiful idea of providing a ‘base’.

I would absolutely love to help parents and parents in law but can't physically be in two places at once while I'm also raising my own children and holding down a job. So as soon as the distance means it's not possible to take the children to pop in for a few hours after school/work it just becomes impossible to actually provide help, not a case of being selfish and not wanting to. I can't just abandon my children and job and disappear off for several days or more on a regular basis. I had a family emergency recently which really did need me to go asap. I dropped everything and got there as soon as I could (which involved a plane and then a lengthy and therefore expensive taxi ride which was fine that time but I couldn't do regularly). It still took me 9 hours to get there from getting the phone call to arriving with relative. In the circumstances I just did what was needed but that sort of journey is just not possible to do for anything other than an absolute emergency and definitely not an option for the regular falls/UTIs/bouncing in and out of hospital that many elderly people unfortunately experience.

Driving in the UK is an absolute nightmare! The violence and road rage here is getting scarier every year.

I think if you are use to getting on and off flights regularly you have a different perspective of how cumbersome it is.

That's terrible. I must live in a very safe part of the country. Driving is very convenient and practical and the motorways get me from A to B.
My point is this, really - people use planes like buses, but it's far more complicated and stressful if you are elderly, have any kind of health issues, have visa requirements, etc etc.
Plus I don't think cheap flights will be a thing forever.
However. If you do and it's all great - fine.

@Trumpsgonelocobecause generally if you can afford to do what OP is suggesting you’ve worked hard and earned money and paid tax. I agree they may not be net contributors but they have paid taxes etc. I would be willing to bet they’ve been active contributing members of society. Of course there’s a chance this isn’t the case but unlikely.

Your wealth lies in the relationship you have with your children and grandchildren. Don’t take that for granted.

Excellent post 👍

So, OP, what are your plans and when do you think you'll go?

I drive all over the UK because I like to travel.

Driving where I live in the UK is fine but we are talking about further afield if we are comparing like for like aren’t we?

I don’t live in a particularly posh or safe part of the UK like you (obviously) but you would have to live in a cave to not be aware that road rage and dangerous driving in the UK is increasing.

Here's my experience (not opinion, experience):
We moved over to France nearly 10 years ago, to renovate an old barn (not finished yet).

Have tried to learn the language and are reasonably integrated with French, English,Scottish and American friends - probably a more diverse set of anglophones than we had in the UK. However friendships in any other language than your own take so much time to develop, which is often the reason English people socialise with English people, it's much easier. Unfortunately often the only thing you may have in common with them is the language - and of course there is a much smaller friendship pool!

We both have grown up children from first marriages.

My husband's children visit us twice a year, with his toddler granddaughter. He doesn't much like going back to the UK, so this suits him well. We love the little girl and make sure we have facetime (although tbh she's too young at the moment to take much notice). I also made a little book for her with lots of photos of us - I'll do that every year.

My first grandchild was born in December - my daughter's who has not shown much interest in coming over. I'm over every other month to see them and spend a week at her house - fortunately I get on well with my son-in-law - I did spend 2 weeks with them post natal, and was so lucky to be able to help. I think my relationship with my daughter has improved as she was quite resentful of me going (she was 22 at the time). My son and his wife keep promising to come over, but their life gets in the way. So I spend some time with them on my bimonthly trips. I have 3 really good UK friends that I will try to see. They are very old friends and you can't really make 'new' old friends.

So some advice based on my experience:

I agree with people that it's best to keep some property in the UK (you can rent it out). We didn't do that. If we do come back we won't be able to afford as lovely a place as we have now. But then we have it now, and love it.

Try to find a home close to public transport - one of my criteria was to be within an hour of TGV and an airport. At the moment I fly over but will be able to train as well. I have even taken to bus (3 buses ) when there was a strike, but will only do that if it's the only way to get back.

Learn the language - the admin and beaurocracy are so onerous - and do tons of research about the laws of the country you are coming to. The number of people that don't know about registering their car, changing their license, paying taxes etc etc , getting into the health care system and thus get into trouble is worrying. I have had English friends with no french, got old and I'll, it's so isolating.

It is you that has to make the effort to maintain your relationship with your children, but it is easier to do nowadays . And as people said, they will.

I could go on, and will probably think of more later. If you want any other info/experience message me

I wouldn’t dream of it. I gave mine wings to fly (and they have) and roots to come home to. I am their constant. Their link to their heritage. I am home wherever they are in the world.