Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

I’d message her to explain she needs to call and that you will cut off your financial support otherwise. Then I would have a calm chat with her about how it is making you feel and see what her response is.

I'd be tempted to send a sarcastic message about cutting the phone as as it doesn't seem to be working, see if she gets the message?

How often are you messaging her though - what sort of admin? If you're molly coddling her, and it's stuff she should be sorting, leave her to it!

Similar finacial set up.
DCs reply eventually to most things. If I stress when something is urgent they normally get back pretty quickly. I'm not one who needs constant contact and messaging multiple times day, so if I say it's urgent, they know it's true.
They contact me when they want/need to. Both will call/facetime out of the blue.
I'm just happy that they are busy and settled.

I wouldn’t cut off her student support. I know it’s my responsibility and I want her to succeed at uni. But I do feel very annoyed - actually it’s because of things that need sorting out and I can’t communicate with her. So stuff that would take 5 mins becomes a huge challenge.

I am paying for all this on my own. It’s not particularly easy. I don’t want to cramp her style but in an age when communication should be so easy it is impossible.

I’m not expecting constant messaging. Just some sort of a reply. Last year she struggled at uni and also would not answer any calls or messages then said how she was in such a dark place and I didn’t care about her.

It's hard to understand what it is that you need to sort out for her. She's an adult. You don't need to do things for her. Tell her she needs to sort it out herself

I haven't got exactly that but i do have DS aged 28 who lives hundreds of miles away with his partner and baby. He does work hard and full time but, like many young families, it's a struggle.

I literally only ever hear from him when he wants to borrow money! Which isn't often at once or twice yearly on average.

I did pull him up on it last week when he messaged and he just said he had nothing interesting to tell me.

His partner is very good and much better at keeping me up to speed with baby's progress.

Your DD sounds as if she still feels she's in the child role, where you have a duty to provide for her. She's obviously away loving life at your expense, without giving you a second thought!

Does she work?

If you stop paying for her phone, that really cuts off a comminication channel. I'd keep paying the rent and phone. Cut out the holiday.

Tbh, i would expect her to work or take on a student loan for her living expenses.

I also expect her to get a job but she isn’t getting one!! She has worked previously and did very well at it but now she has new friends and seems to just see me as a free income stream. I’m working to pay for her of course!!

Maybe don't text her. Let her come to you. Get creative and communicate other ways.

Yep, carrier pigeon?

if you understand UK student finance you will understand me when I say she has a maintenance loan but I still have to pay her rent and some other expenses.

Mine are reasonably good at replying but I have found the absolute best way of getting a response quickly is to send a picture of the cat. Do you have any animals that she's fond of?

That’s the way it is at Uni for some. I was like this.

I wouldn’t cut off their phone what would that achieve?

What admin stuff and how often? Seems a bit OTT.

I'd be sending a text to say, 'One of the basic expectations I have in return for the financial support I provide is that you are civil to me and respond to either calls or texts in a timely fashion. This means within 24 hours. If you cannot bear to do this and want to be entirely independent, please let me know and we will renegotiate what I am paying for'.

I remember those days, it’s screams that you and your efforts are an expectation and of zero priority.
@ZenNudist these young people are often still teenagers with brains that are not fully developed.
@LoneAndLoco she will come around when closer to 25. These next few years remain hard with most being very self absorbed.

Get her attention? No, of course I won’t cut it off but I wonder what I’m paying for.

Admin - she has a car. There are things that need attending to - MOT and insurance. She doesn’t have the money for this and I’m offering to sort it for her. I don’t want her to neglect this stuff because the consequences would be enormous. But she doesn’t seem to be sorting it herself.

Is her car at home with you or Uni?

Does she reply if you text her something lighthearted or fun? Something you saw that reminded you of her or news you think she’d be interested in? I think something like ‘how are things going’ is quite hard to respond to really.

I’d be saying something like “You’re obviously not using this phone. Going to stop paying for it.”

She doesn’t reply to anything! The car is at uni and I am worried because although she owns it she doesn’t seem to be taking responsibility for the things that need doing. OK, I could leave her to it but I fear the consequences of that.

Yes, that’s the thought in my mind. But actually it would be an empty threat and go down like a lead ballon - if even read by her!

My sons are both overseas and a picture of the dog always gets responded to! 🤦‍♀️

Time she learnt some responsibility!

X, I am giving you one last chance to respond to my message if not, I will assume you are sorting out the insurance and MOT. Please don’t message me if you forgot or don’t have the funds to do it. As a adult and driver, I will also assume you know the consequences of not having these things.

Easier said than done. It’s causing me anxiety.

Don’t make empty threats then! Follow through by being a good parent and raising a responsible child.

I have no idea how people expect their off spring to manage in the real world when you treat them like this.