Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

This seems ideal. I would be giving her very short shrift indeed. One last chance . . .
If you want to try a slightly softer approach, you could [if poss] visit, take her out to lunch, and set out expectations there.

She's behaving really badly.

Ds is at uni 50 miles away. I told him that if he doesn't respond to first text immediately then that's ok I understand. If he doesn't respond to second one then I'm driving to see him. I've never had to do it. The threat of me drinking coffee with his flatmates seems to have encouraged quicker response times

Instead of texting all the time I'd organise a phone call once a week and make a list of all the things to cover in the conversation.

I do send texts without expectation of reply though, just to let them know I'm thinking of them.

I used to speak to my mum once a week while at university 50 miles away. No texts as they didn't exist.

I think cutting off her phone is being very controlling. She will contact you when she wants.Mine wanted to contact me though ( more than I thought they would) so I think you need to work on your relationship and give her some space.

She never speaks on the phone. That’s Gen Z. The only reason I am texting more than once a week is because she doesn’t answer my initial texts!!

Wow.

If the car is at Uni then I would be concerned too but you have tried many times to help her sort it and she is ignoring you. You can’t spend the rest of your life worrying yourself into bad health. She will have to deal with the consequences of owning a car which has no MOT or insurance.

Not sure what Gen Z is but my 19 year old (August born) DC in second year at Uni still speaks on the phone to us once a week. I do say we can miss a week if you want but he likes to check in.

My DS was like this, it was impossible to get a straight answer to a question, unless of course he needed something!
As he went through his 4 years at univ he definitely matured and settled down to work and got a part time job.
I think it's the whole immature brain/complete freedom/new friends mixture that overwhelms them when they start univ (and a bit of academic work too!).
I consoled myself that at least he was happy and not crying on the phone to his parents, wanting to come home, like his cousin did.
I think your DD will eventually start getting in touch more when life settles down for her. Don't cut off her phone but don't contact her too often. A text a couple of times a week to start with then see how it goes.

Ok, so cutting off the phone would be controlling but her expecting me to pay for things is not controlling OF ME??!! Seems to be a one way street.

She’s 19 and focused on her new life, friends, course etc. Take a breath and maybe send her an email as if a work colleague - insurance needs paying on Friday what’s the plan…

I imagine though she is used to you paying for it all, so what’s changed? Is it more that you miss her and want to connect? If so don’t go nuclear as that will have the opposite effect

Has she only just arrived back at Uni (or is there for the first time)?
It's totally manic at this time of year for students, I have to say, as an academic.

What’s changed is the MOT is coming up and I don’t think she is going to bother to arrange getting it done and any repairs that need doing. I’ve offered to sort it out. No reply.

If your expectations are as reasonable as you make out, I think you're being taken for a mug to be honest.
What happens when you try to call? How many times a week do you contact her?

However manic it is at uni it still needs to be done. I work and arrange and MOT and all the rest!! This is the only reason I’m trying to contact her.

When I try to call she never answers. I sent a text about the MOT and then a couple more saying have you seen the message. That’s all. The reason for repeat messaging is she doesn’t answer! It feels controlling towards me actually.

OP when I went to uni, I did everything myself, including paying bills and sorting stuff out. She is an adult and is old enough to do this.

As you are happy to support, I would message her saying “let me know how the MOT goes, and if I need to help with any money for repairs”. Leave her to it, she needs to learn responsibility, if she gets caught driving without MOT/Insurance, that would be a wake up call to sort out her admin.

i appreciate that doesn’t resolve the core issue which is communication, but perhaps you just need to leave her to it for a bit and let her come back to you.

if she knows when the mot deadline is, and you’ve offered to help, all you can do now is leave it. A tough lesson perhaps for her, but here is where you draw the line

Most Gen Z I know don’t do phone calls but do do FaceTime/video calls. I’d try and set up a weekly or fortnightly quick video catch up.

then stop giving her any money? I never got a penny from my parents at uni, i don't understand parents who funds their kids at uni. Force her to get a job. And leave her to sort all her own stuff, she'll soon learn - she's an adult.

don't understand parents who funds their kids at uni.

There isn't really a choice when the loan doesn't even cover accommodation costs let alone other living costs. DD1 has got a job but it would not pay for the top up of rent.

Look at it as you need to make up the shortfall in student loan. If she had a full student loan you wouldn't be able to cut money off like that.

So do you understand how the funding works? She can’t borrow enough to pay her rent etc as I bother to have a job. So the only option is I pay for the difference between the maintenance loan and what would be the full grant. If your parents don’t work everything is handed to you.

I get this too and my kids currently live at home. Pees me off as I also pay for their contracts. I don’t expect in-depth convos or earth shattering secrets to be shared, but if I’ve asked if everything is okay it’s usually because there was something going on/a test/they seemed upset or withdrawn at breakfast - so it’s polite to at least send a flipping emoji thumbs-up back. It’s the being ignored that upsets me too.

When they go to uni, I will probably agree to continue paying their phones on the proviso they acknowledge my texts in a timely manner. And check in a couple of times a week. I hate the idea of being a stalker parent once they are technically adults and living away, but ‘relationships’ (esp where one party is funding your phone/lifestyle because they’re not really an independent adult, are they) require a little bit of consideration and courtesy.

I get it - a million percent! My DS (22) is no longer at uni, and I don't pay for him, but trying to get a response is an anxiety inducing mind bogglingly difficult task. My DS has ADHD, and just can't seem to keep it together enough at the moment to respond to me within a reasonable time frame. I've tried all of the things, nothing works. The only thing that helps both of us is for me to lower expectations, try not to panic, and go see him in person once a month.

It's awful, it makes me feel like a rubbish mother, but he doesn't feel that way so that's my own shit to sort out and not put on him

I wouldn't play any sarcastic games - I'd do one very straightforward message: "DD, we need to talk. You either need to call me or come home this weekend so we can have the conversation in person."

And then if she does call, lay it out in person - if not lay it out in a message or email:

1. Last year you said you didn't feel I was there for you when you were struggling. I need guidance from you on this - how do you want this to happen? I feel like I'm trying to reach out and you're ignoring it.
2. I feel very taken for granted right now, and that is hurtful. I provide a lot and so so willingly, but it feels like there is no reciprocation in this relationship at all. That has an impact on me and in the long run it impacts my work and what I'm able to provide.
3. Where I'm offering to help, I need you to do your bit and communicate with me about those things. The car is a good example - either you need to communicate with me about MOT, repairs and insurance in a timely way, or the car will need to come home and be SORN.