Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

I think you are totally within your rights to hassle her about the car tbh. When's the MOT due? Just say you need to book your car in by x. I will pay for the MOT unless I don't hear from you with a booking date.

I think you need to let go a bit, give some space to let her be an adult and arrange her own car stuff.

When I was her age my parents never got involved in all that.

You need to give her space to adult and you need space for the sake of your own mental health. She needs to learn to mess up and sort it herself.

Supporting her to some extent financially isn’t the same as supporting her emotionally, she does need to learn independence for life admin and what happens when you don’t do it on time etc

All the advice to remain overbearing and going on at her about the car will not help

Its just a car, I would leave it

Given your update I think you need to just send her a nice message, something like. Look I promise I'm not angry and I get me contacting you annoys you, I'm honestly really glad you're having a better time this year. Life admin can be really overwhelming but ignoring it won't make it go away. I'll give you a call tomorrow at 4pm if that works? Let me know when is better if that's not a great time. Sorry I don't want to keep texting you, I want you to enjoy this year! I promise it's not a big job, I'll show you what to do but it's your car so I can't do this for you. You got this it'll be fine.

Obv change it so it sounds like you. I still think she sounds like a spoilt entitled child but from what you've said it's likely she'll respond better to some reassurance than anger.

You do know there's financial and legal consequences to driving without an up to date MOT right?

I am aware but she’s an adult and mum can’t rescue her constantly. I know adults that let that stuff lapse and probably had someone else constantly remind them and never let them become independent either

She's a driver, she knows the consequences of no valid Mo
I would send a screenshot of her details from Gov website which shows when the MoT expires, as a reminder then leave her to it
If she drives it she risks a huge fine, then she will need a job to pay it
Inaction has consequences.
Kindly, you are allowing her to treat you like a mug
She needs to learn " Don't bite the hand that feeds you" and treat you with respect.

I responded page 1 of this but i see things have moved on a bit with the car.

OP - it's her car so her responsibility to get it booked in and taken for MOT.

Leave that to her. Check online (you only need reg number to check the official gov site and it's free) to see if she has done it.

You can also see the pass/fail and repairs needed.

If it lapses, you will see that.

You could choose to report her if you believe she is still driving in it and you want to save her from the catastrophe of causing an accident uninsured and no MOT.

Or you can let the Police catch her. (Although it's lapsed insurance that triggers on ANPR cameras; I don't think no MOT does even though her insurance will be nul and void)

You really do need to let them go and face the consequences as adults. We did the financial help thing a bit differently. We set each of ours off with about £10k and that was for all years.

So - could that be an option? Work out the support you're willing to pay over a year and release as a lump sum for her to budget? Give her some responsibility.

My older 2 managed ok (even the 28yr old referred to on page 1 here)

But DS 3 blew his 10k in year 1. We did not bail him out. He panicked and got work. Now he has left Uni and is so much more cautious with money. He even saves!

Sometimes the hardest lessons are what's most needed.

And most of the advice on here agrees with you that mum can't and shouldn't keep doing this. I don't think all the advice is overbearing though. If the MOT has been getting done for her, than just dropping all support without warning isn't going to help. Trying to work with her, then warning her, then dropping it for her to pay the consequences will help.
This sort of behaviour is usually years in the making though and parents think the child will grow out of it because that's what they've heard, only to find out that actually they don't.
Aside from the cost of the MOT, offering to pay for whatever needs to be fixed is also too much in my opinion. She's probably not looking after it the same way she would be if for example the gearbox had to be replaced with her money.

Anyway it takes a lot of effort from the parent to undo this sort of thing and I suspect OP will cave in for another year or so before giving up.

"I’ve done some things like replacing tyres to keep her safe without her really being very aware or seeing the bill.

I am trying to help here because she is not the most organised person."

Do you think these two sentences could be linked? Teaching her to grow up to be a responsible adult comes from you. By the sounds of it, she isn't a responsible adult, as you haven't forced her to be, and she isn't standing on her own two feet. But you're conflating this with the financial aspect and holding that over her head - there's actually quite a lot to unpick here.

Regardless of this, if she experienced problems with her mental health last year, you haven't heard from her in 2.5 weeks, my concern would not be about the MOT! I would be arranging a welfare check asap, not stressing about the car.

@InPlainSightYouHidButYouAreWhatYouDid exactly
Parents also don't seem to realize that by doing everything for their child, it doesn't give them any space to build confidence in their own ability to do things for themselves and survive in the world. It so often ends up leading to low self esteem and mental health issues.

Stop.
Just stop everything. Send a message saying that as of X date she will be paying her own rent, her own phone, and for anything else.
Then when she reads and replies, be shocked that she can reply and say that is what will happen if she continues to be rude and ignore you.

Send her one last reminder about the car. Include the link to the legal consequences for driving without an MOT and then leave her to it.

She sounds a right brat.

This sort of behaviour is usually years in the making though and parents think the child will grow out of it because that's what they've heard, only to find out that actually they don't.

I think some young people just need more help for longer than others, it isn't just one size fits all with parenting. DD1 I have to read between the lines with, always fiercely independent. If she were on fire she'd tell you off for throwing a bucket of water over her. DD2 would let you do everything for her unless you suggest she might do it for herself. Which she can usually do once she has been shown.

In some ways DD2 is easier because she just accepts the help. DD1 you have to be more crafty and intuitive with. Then emotionally DD1 is sometimes easier because she shouts when something isn't right. DD2 will try to get on with things and you have to be attuned to work out when something isn't right.

I always think back to when they were babies- DD1 would have to feed herself even when she couldn't - I gave her a spoon but got a few mouthfuls in myself in between her attempts. DD2 would be happy for me to keep spooning it in, unless encouraged to do it herself. So I approach them differently.

I don’t think she needs a welfare check as she has housemates who would notice if she was a missing person. She seems to get along with them well, I hope.

When I was her age I had use of my mum’s car - I didn’t have my own. My dad might have taken me along to get the MOT or tyres done and taught me how to take care of it. A bit of a nudge.

I am trying to help and not let my daughter get into serious trouble with this. There is some time to get it done, which I have allowed for because of the poor communications. It is still incredibly frustrating.

The dynamic we have is that I worry about her a lot and she thinks I don’t give a damn.

I use the cat, you can guarantee a response from our Dd if a picture of her cat is included.

I expect a basic level of manners and courtesy from someone I am working my arse off to help, yes. They are adults and this is how it works in the real world. You don't get to be a sulking twat whilst expecting people to fund your every whim but not bother you with their trivial expectations.

If you last saw her only two and a half weeks ago, then I think you need to step back, and make a conscious decision to step away from the car/MOT issue.
She owns the car, not you.
You can't control her contact with you, but you can make the decision to live your own life. These things can't be forced. Maybe she is being rude and selfish, maybe she doesn't want to phone you because she can't face an emotionally charged conversation, maybe she's disorganised.
And as for the loan, you seem to be very wedded to the idea that you have to make up her loan to the maximum amount. Actually, you don't. Did you ever discuss this or her budget before she started Uni?

Yes, I have discussed the loan and also have several times sent her information on typical student budgets, how much I am paying in rent etc etc. I gave her a written calculation showing it all to her. She feels hard done by. I am very duty driven and believe that I should make up the difference because I earn enough to do so. I know I don’t have to. I have also repeatedly suggested a part-time job because she likes to spend money! She sees this as me being the bad guy.

I think you should establish an expectation with her about how often she is in contact. It wasn’t very long ago we only called our parents once a week when at uni. There wasn’t WhatsApp or anything then.

She has a car you are paying towards, accommodation and a phone that you are paying for and she can't be bothered to have the manners to respond to you in a timely fashion. I don't think I'd be as patient or as kind as you OP. I'd have a word, let her know how I'm feeling about her behaviour and if no improvement I would stop paying for the phone. Without a doubt.

Her choice to drive without an MOT if that's what happens. She's not a child. Stop letting her behave like one.

If its in her name leave her to it, if she can't be bothered to answer the phone then let her sort it and deal with the consequences if she doesn't. I messaged or phoned my mum everyday when I was at uni and mobiles weren't as big a thing as they are now; it only takes a few seconds.

I will have to let it go for a few days - then I’ll send another reminder. Maybe, as someone said, a screenshot of the gov MOT page. So it is official. There is some time in hand but I know what a hassle it is if repairs need doing.

I think to some extent that’s correct, it’s hard to undo the dynamic and ‘force’ independence at a later stage. It probably needed to start earlier. I know I started early with my kids

But I also think she better start now with her daughter, sounds like it’s just going to get worse before it gets better

You need to let her experience the hassle of repairs, it’s part of learning car ownership. It is hard when they’re this transitional age into adulthood but it’s also important to let certain things go.

Part of learning is also making mistakes

And leaving it will give you a break whilst letting her process your messages.