Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

To be honest you sound quite hard work. Lots of people have given you suggestions all of which you have pushed back on.

She is an adult, let her learn from her mistakes.

It's her car. Her legal responsibility. Pay her rent like you are obligated to and nothing else. Why are you making your own life more complicated? You know she's on her phone to her friends so she's fine. She's an adult, time to let her be one.

She is an adult let her face the consequences with getting caught for not having an MOT , if she gets caught tell her she ignored your offers of help so she is on her own with that . She is being very rude .

When did you last speak to her?

Why??? Parents need to remember THEY chose to have children and to stop thinking the child owes them something in return.

Yes we all know about maintenence loans.

Maintenence loans are often used to pay for accommodation.

I wouldn't pay for her phone once she has left home.

It would be good for her to learn a bit of independence and to budget for things.

"This seems ideal. I would be giving her very short shrift indeed. One last chance . . .
If you want to try a slightly softer approach, you could [if poss] visit, take her out to lunch, and set out expectations there"

This, and bring the car back with you then put it on your drive and declare it off road.

How is you giving her money "the only option".

Why can't she get a weekend job?

@LoneAndLoco you can go get the car and keep it SORN at yours. Or MoT it etc but keep it at yours.

@Ohnobackagain not without the owners consent, as that would be theft.

If your worried for her genuinely surely no matter how busy you are you would make the time to go?

That's not a very mature response.

Parents always think about their adult children, more than their adult children think about them.

OP think about when you were a young adult and you either went to University, or started a new job.

Were you thinking about your parents every day?

Or were you focusing on the start of your new life?

Did you miss the bit where mother needs to organise the MOT perhaps mother should just accept the fact child doesn't want anything from her including money? You don't have a good relationship with your family I guess?

"Last year she struggled at uni and also would not answer any calls or messages then said how she was in such a dark place and I didn’t care about her"

I would be more worried for my DD's welfare than an MOT, especially if you haven't spoken to her for a while. Your attitude towards her seems really hostile here.

In practical terms, the car is in her name, you have given her advice. Give her a month's notice that will not be paying any longer, stop worrying about it and let her stand on her own two feet. Cars, unlike a roof over your head, are not a necessity at university. (Even if you have a placement type course, students manage without).

Your purse strings and your apron strings seem very closely knotted together. You seem to have a lot of resentment towards her and use finance to keep her "answerable" to you. The government expect parents to top up the student loan to the full amount, if their income reduces the loan amount they get (I actually think it's a shit system but that's not the point here). Yet you are paying for luxuries like a car and a holiday then resenting her for it and using it almost like emotional blackmail.

If you could be clearer in when you last spoke to her, your expectation of what "reasonable" amount of contact you would like, and her expectations of reasonable contact, it may be easier to give advice on how to meet in the middle.

Write her a letter.
Write her a letter each month.
This should gradually chqnge to you just forwarding her mail to her so she deals with it.

List the things she needs to do.
Include forms and information.

Ask her to contact you weekly to see if anything needs to be attended to, and also out of common decency, or you will call the local Police to check that she is okay.

Wow.

I thought you were going to say that you hadn't heard from him for a week, and were worried.

You hadn't heard from him for TWO hours, and you called security on him.

That is serious levels of batshit

I do see it from the other side .

A lot of teens and adults can be selfish and don't see their parents as human beings.

They just see them as a person to give them money.

I think you need to step away, I don't think you will but I think you need to. She needs to have a natural consequence and it seems you have never given her the space to have that. The older she is the more severe the consequences will be.

This thread is mental. The level of disrespect parents accept from their adult kids is insane and the level of mollycoddling happening is also insane.

Yes it’s been that way since they brought in the student loan system. Usually the student gets a job to pay for living expenses. A few of the people I studied with took out a year before uni to work to get living expenses. When I did my MA, I worked two jobs six days a week for a year to pay the course fees outright and worked through the course to pay living expenses. Obviously it makes studying harder but it’s not impossible.

In your case though it sounds more like your DD is experiencing mental health problems and it might be worth checking that she is getting all the pastoral support she is entitled to from the uni. Maybe that is why she is deliberately ignoring your life admin messages. It sounds frustrating but try not to make this a wedge in your relationship and keep communicating. (Maybe I love you etc rather than just you need to do x, y, z type messages)

Does she have a sibling she is in contact with who could say, 'oi - ring mum!'

That can happen I agree

More reason for the parent to set boundaries

I can’t do anything about the car because I am not the owner. I am trying to help here because she is not the most organised person.

I’m not angry, I’m frustrated. I’ve not threatened to cut off funding but I do feel a bit disrespected.

I saw her about two and a half weeks ago. I have reminded her about the car responsibilities a lot.

When I was in her position this sort of thing would have been a “dad job”. But her dad is not involved. I’m trying to help because I love her. Maybe it’s my love language - practical support. And I suppose, perhaps wrongly, I pride myself on being the dependable parent. I’ve done some things like replacing tyres to keep her safe without her really being very aware or seeing the bill.

I could go down there and I have in the past but then I would be interfering. There’s a fine line.

I find I have to tread carefully with her. If I said some of the things people are suggesting that would lead to a complete breakdown in the relationship.