Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

It does seem really unkind—and almost more effort to ignore you. Easier to say 'yes, please' or 'I'll do it'. Ignoring completely is a kind of control. I get it.

It's also odd because I find among my kids peer group, mums are kind of sacrosant. They're 'legends' or 'cuties' or sure, maybe annoying, but most young people really like each other's mums, so I am sure she would get a hard time from her peers if they knew she was freezing you out.

So yes, not very helpful in terms of your solution but kind of odd behaviour, which says more about the space she is in.

I find if my DD is on a downward spiral (she is diagnosed ADHD), she does shut off and ignores everything, but I just keep plugging away because I know she struggles. In this scenario, I would sort the MOT (if I was able. You will have to figure out how to do that remotely?) I know my DD is always so grateful that I have her back and don't walk away during the tough times.

It is a really difficult one and I sympathise with you and the position you are in. From previous comments you have made it would seem your DD has done this before and gone silent but then said she was struggling and ended up in a dark place and accused you of not caring. So going by this I would still be inclined to go to her. I know I would if it were my DD but I don't know yours and whether she would react badly to you doing this or not and whether it would make things worse. Only you know that.

I understand how rejected you must feel but I don't agree with all the people saying let her suffer the consequences, cut off her phone etc... It wouldn't matter how pissed off I was with my DD and her with me, I wouldn't want her to get into trouble with the law and get a criminal record. I would want to avoid that at all costs and this would be a very last resort.

I think only you know what you are going to feel comfortable with in these circumstances. I really hope you manage to get to the bottom of why she is ignoring you.

@commonground @Lulubellamozarella yes, I’m not going to give up on my daughter! I really wouldn’t want her to suffer with these consequences.

She does have ADHD and maybe there is too much going on for her to concentrate on anything at the moment. It is still rude though! Maybe I am the opposite and over-focused on the problem.

I’ve worked out how to get the MOT done remotely but it still depends on her handing over a key. I’ve had a one-line reply from her now.

Why? How old does she need to be for you to step back and allow her to make the choices we all need to make to be adults? 30, 40? Part of parenting is letting your child make a mistake this child is now an adult. Be there when she reaches out send her the paperwork she may feel she has time if it runs out and she goes for an MOT on the last day she will realise she now has no car if it needs work until she can organise it. Some kids get cars at 17 they don't all have mummy doing the paperwork for them.

So it's your feelings and anxiety more than the car, step back or you will push her away. If you really felt she was in danger you would have done something. Her blocking you sounds like your pushing too hard

It's not your car. You taking it without her permission to get anything done is theft. Leave her deal with it herself. If she ignores the problem that's on her. If she loses her license driving with invalid insurance that's on her.

You are starting to sound like you are the reason she is ignoring you. Pay her rent and stop paying other things. Leave her live her life. She isn't a child and doesn't need this level of over parenting.

You sound exhausted, and exhausting. You seem determined to micromanage her, despite all the suggestions here. Her procrastination may well be part and parcel of her ADHD, but if she is old enough to drive she is old enough to assume the responsibility that having a car entails. Don't step in. Don't keep pestering her-these constant reminders that she has failed to sort out the MOT may be contributing to a sense of denial and avoidance on her part. Or maybe she doesn't care, and is content to ignore you as out of sight is out of mind. In either case, you seem determined to pursue her until she gives you the kind of reply you want. But I suspect, OP, that even if she were to comply with your wishes, you would find something else to worry about.

At least she's replied 🙄

I think you're a bit scared of her and I think she likes the power you keep giving her

You're scared of her outbursts, criticisms and her going no contact and she knows that so she plays you

My advice is don't show her how scared you are. Fake it if necessary

Allow her to make mistakes after sending an email and a WhatsApp explaining what needs to be done

When she blames you, laugh.....as its obviously not your fault

Try to be more emotionally distanced from her.

I think you'll get more respect from her, long term, if you do this .....play the long game rather than the needy annoying short game

@LoneAndLoco just wondering if you managed to talk properly to your DD and did you get her MOT sorted?