Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

OK so what should I do? Not pay the rent so she gets evicted? I don’t give the cash directly to her - I pay it to the landlord to make sure she has a home. She has been pushing for more money!! I did say to get a job.

I have always been the provider for the family. How else would we survive?

Or just pay her rent and phone while she's at uni and stop making that payment conditional?

Just read that you don’t know if she’s attending and last time she acted like this she was in a really dark place. So I’m surprised you seem more bothered about if she is disrespecting you and if you should cut off her phone to teach her a lesson rather than if she’s ok.

You can't cut her off financially, for goodness's sake. She's a student on a limited loan, the government expects you to fund the rest because it won't loan it to her.

If its the car that's so stressful then I'd definitely text her the details and then leave it up to her.

Maybe she's not doing well at uni and doesn't want to tell you.

It’s not conditional. I’m paying it as obliged to by the funding set-up. In addition I help with the car costs. She bought the car when she had a job. Maybe I’m a mug to help with costs now but she couldn’t pay them otherwise.

I pay for the upkeep of my dds car. What details do you need from your dd?

You sound really angry OP. Are you worried about her?

My DS1 went incommunicado in his first term at uni. I had explained that I wanted a simple 👍, minimum, which I don't think was too much to ask, given what we were paying.

Well, one morning, 2 months in, I messaged him at 10am (I knew he had a morning lecture). Nothing. Then at 11. Nothing.12. Nada. By this stage I was properly worried. We managed to get halls security, with bad grace, to go to his room, where he was sleeping off his hangover, but admitted he'd seen my messages pop up 😡

But he didn't do it again. I do think it was his misguided belief that 'independence' meant 'no contact' 🙄; but by Y4 he'd drop comments in the family chat on a daily basis!

With your DD, I would threaten to cut off the finances. They're adults. Basic manners, even to your mum, isn't much to ask.

Well I am worried about whether she is coping although you are right, they have only just gone back. But she’s been living down there for a while. However, worrying about whether she is OK is apparently seen as helicopter parenting!! Can’t really get it right whatever.

Worrying about her being ok is most definitely not helicopter parenting, but musing about stopping her money because she's not ringing you is too much.

Oh fgs!

My dd would never have spoken to me again if I'd done this!!

Calling security because he didn’t reply in two hours 😳

How often are you calling, messaging, texting? It sounds overwhelming to be honest. It's like she doesn't reply so you're endlessly finding reasons to get in touch, so then she backs off more.

If my mum had been constantly trying to contact me at uni about random paperwork and all sorts, it would have driven me insane.

If you didn't want to pay for anything you shouldn't have paid it instead of using it as a weapon against her at every opportunity.

Between the guilt tripping, telling her what to do, and the paperwork I'm not sure anyone would be keen to talk to you, it doesn't sound like you'd have much interesting conversation.

Last year she struggled at uni and also would not answer any calls or messages then said how she was in such a dark place and I didn’t care about her.

Maybe she interprets your messaging as safe/easy for you. ie - it's an action within your comfort zone.

What do you think would happen if you came out of that zone and actually went to see her? Not in an accusatory way, but in a 'let me take you out to lunch' kind of way. Do you have that kind of relationship? Would you like to do that?

Halls at my uni cost more than my loan, so I became a lodger and then moved to a house share. I paid my own phone bill and bought a second hand bike.

In your position I'd stop funding the phone and the car. Constantly doing everything for her and paying for everything isn't helping become a responsible adult. It's a kindness in the long run.

Leave her to it. Message her explaining the car's mot runs out on x date, which will stop her insurance from renewing. Tell her not to drive it uninsured. That way she knows and if she wants to sort it, she can call you. If she ignores you, then it's her responsibility.

An MOT isn’t random paperwork. It needs doing. That’s why I have contacted her. I’ve not threatened to cut anything off although I do wonder to myself why I’m paying for the phone!! As it doesn’t seem to work!

I know she’s constantly on that phone all day chatting to “friends”. Maybe she is so swamped with messages she doesn’t see mine? Even so, an MOT is important.

You are responsible for paying for her rent .....I get that

I dont understand why you are responsible for paying for anything else

Of course you want her to be safe and legal (car) and able to communicate (phone)

But if you've asked her 3 (or more) times to communicate with you re the car and she doesn't.....then text her the consequences of doing nothing re the car and tell her you're leaving her to it

You can't have it all ways

She is who she is

Work with that

I’m not angry but I am incredibly frustrated. A task which should take 5 mins is hanging over me for days. Yes, I want to know she is safe and legal in the car - in fact it makes me anxious. If I could tick off that task I’d leave her to it.

Take her to lunch? Yes I’ve done that before. I just need to sort this one thing this time.

How manipulative. Do you really want your kids to speak to your just because they get something in return!

But you can't tick it off

Shes not allowing you to

At some stage the car legals HAVE to be down to her, if she won't communicate with you for you to sort

You MUST see that?

Well if something goes wrong it will still be my fault. Because it always is apparently.

I expect them to reply when I am going out of my way to provide something such as a car etc, yes. That is just common curtesy.

Now you're being childish and petty

Of course it won't be YOUR fault

Just because she says it's your fault doesn't make it so