Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

Does she need a car at uni? Most students manage without one. If she's not sorting out the admin for it maybe that can go ?

@ImNotYourMonstera technically yes, but highly unlikely DD will report it as stolen especially if bank of Mum funded it.

You'd be an utter mug to keep putting up with this treatment. It sounds like you have an awful relationship.

I think your Instinct to stop paying for her phone is right. All you can do is send her a reminder that it's illegal, she will get £1000 fine, it will invalidate her insurance so if she has an accident she won't be able to cover the cost of the damage AND that the police can seize and scrap her vehicle. Tell ber you're cutting the phone contract and she and you need a serious talk about how you finance the rest of her uni costs because you aren't working to pay for her breezing around ignoring you and not working at all. Tell her to set a reminder and sort her own mot from now on. Stop doing stuff for her. Don't do it. Hold firm. The offer to help has expired.

@LoneAndLoco have you heard anything from your DD yet?

No. It is making me so anxious. I am pretty sure she has blocked me. If she had answered straight away I would have just sent one message. Instead I’ve sent a lot. Trying not to become stalkerish.

The MOT is not expired yet but I am not confident she will arrange it. She tends to ignore things which are difficult.

I honestly feel for you so much. This is horrible for you. What will you do now? Short of going to wherever she is and seeing if you can see her face to face I am not sure what your options are.

You mentioned in her first year she struggled and ignored messages during this time. Could it be she is doing this again? How is your relationship normally? Would you be willing to go and try to see her?

I think if you've sent her a lot of messages she might well have blocked you. There's nothing you can do now, either she arranges the MOT or she doesn't and she deals with the consequences. And I would seriously consider selling it.

I thought about going there yesterday but then I stopped myself - because maybe she is thinking I am being overbearing and it would embarrass her. I am just so worried. I don’t understand. I’d like to give her space etc. If only she hadn’t taken the car, which needs the MOT. It’s her car and she insisted.

I'd tell her unless she starts making a effort you'll need to cut things off like her phone, she can get a pay as go SIM card & get a part time job to pay for the top ups.

@tribpot i don’t want her to be hit with the consequences. In the end I will have to go and find the car and take it to a garage. I also feel pretty hurt.

No, I won’t cut the phone because then I’ll have no way at all of contacting her. Plus it will annoy her further.

But then you said in her first year she struggled and didn't reply to messages so maybe she is struggling again? She maybe needs you more than you realise? I think I would go and try and see her face to face if it were me. I would be worried that something was wrong. By ignoring you she has left you very little option but to do that.

Then she will never learn. Leave her to it.

I know her. She won’t learn from harshness - she will just react against that further.

Then she's never going to learn. I'd stop making an effort and let her text/ring you and when she asks why you've stopped simply reply because she never bothered with you and upset you.

It’s hard but I think you have to let go.

You have to let her make mistakes that impact her negatively. You have tried to help and she has refused it. She is an adult and needs to raise her adulting game if she wants to be the independent person she thinks she is. Can’t have it both ways.

She sounds quite selfish, spoilt and controlling really. You pay for her rent- fair enough. But you pay for her car and her phone still?! And she still won’t get a job and thinks you’re the bad guy? I can’t imagine my mum paying for my car and my phone as an adult and me refusing to even contact her.

I can’t really understand why you’re still paying for her car and phone and getting stressed about her car admin. Leave her to it. She knows you’re gong to run around all stressed doing it for her because she spoilt. Text her and say your MoT is due- I’m sure you’ve had the reminder too. Hope it goes well.

Then maybe message or phone and explain how she’s an adult now and you will happily fund her rent but as of January, not the phone and as of say, April, not the car. She can choose to get a job, sell the car, whatever. It’s her car. She needs to learn for herself how to become an adult otherwise you’ll be there paying for all these things when she’s 30 and living back with you with no job while you run round after her because it’s all she’s known

Unfortunately I suspect some of her attitude problem is due to her never experiencing the consequences of her actions. If she knows fine well she can ignore you and/or talk to you like crap and you'll STILL ultimately come and sort the car out for her, why wouldn't she just block you?

If you were always going to sort the car out for her, why go through all this stress along the way? You're not teaching her how to be a responsible adult, just how to manipulate you.

She's not mature enough to be responsible for a car. You can save yourself a load of expense and aggro if you sell it.

If she is old enough for uni why is the life admin not directed to her to deal with it?

The let her. Because this time the consequences aren't from you, they're from the law and her end point will be prison.

So there are two schools of thought here - either do nothing or rush down there. If you think about how the police treat missing persons, they would ask if this person has a track record of doing this. Yes, she has gone silent, taken off from home before and has been OK. So maybe there is no need to “over react” and rush down there. She is with friends and obviously doesn’t want to hear from me. If I am too harsh she will just see me entirely as the enemy so I don’t want that either.

I feel very rejected myself. I don’t understand. She went off from home on good terms. Maybe she is so busy with the new term etc but then why block me? I would never block a family member. A short reply would put my mind at rest.

I can’t sell it because she owns it. I told her before she went off to uni that she would have to do the MOT but there is no sign of her doing it. No reply at all. So yes, I want to stop her facing those consequences because I don’t want her to get a criminal record. If she said “I’m sorting it” then I’d leave her to it. In the end I’ll have to get the MOT done for my own peace of mind. Then I’ll minimise contact.

And would you really want that for your child or are you just mouthing off on MumsNet? Easier said than done.

Kindly @LoneAndLoco you have to let her get on with it. You can check on the .gov site whether the car has an MOT so you will be able to see if it has been done and, whether it passes or fails, or passes with advisories. If she doesn’t get it done by the expiry date then you can send her a letter reminding her it’s against the law to drive it except to get it tested.

www.gov.uk/check-mot-status

Yes I would leave my child to it. It sounds like she's had a life time of being bailed out by you and no longer feels she has to do anything.

I started with natural consequences from a young age.