Students not replying to messages

[LoneAndLoco]

Does anyone else have this? I pay for my student DDs phone, her rent (a big expense), some other living costs and even a holiday. But once she is back at uni she does not reply to any messages. Not “how are things going” or other ones about various life admin which needs sorting out and which I still feel responsible for. I am a non-person. I am also paying for the phone and feel tempted to cut it off at this stage!!

I think as PP says, you have to take a deep breath and just leave her to it.

Is the car in her name? I would send the official reminder of the MOT and Insurance (screen shot?) rather than a personal reminder from you. Maybe with a cheery "FYI!" And then take her silence as no, she does not need your help.

Have you tried actually ringing her, btw? I find my young people respond better to an immediate notification. Often they see a message has arrived but don't bother opening and then forget.

Yes the car is in her name. So I can’t insist on bringing it home, SORN or anything else. I am a named driver on the insurance and I pay for it. I’ve had a reminder from the garage because I MOTed it last year.

I know that ringing won’t work. She never answers.

Maybe I'm relaxed about it as I don't always reply to messages quickly myself. I put my phone away and don't look at it for chunks of time in the evening and at weekends.

As for the student loan situation. Yes, I pay for the shortfall. This is basically implied by the government as an obligation but also I don’t have to do it! I think it’s called being a decent parent. But the way the system is it does mean she isn’t really completely financially independent - hence phone paid for etc. Seems to be what all parents are doing if their kids have actually made it to uni!

Her father of course doesn’t have to pay anything and none of us have heard from him for years. So it feels to me doubly unfair that I am doing it all and it’s not appreciated. Shit system.

My parents were right bastards and also very self focused so he'll would've frozen over before they'd have helped me pay for driving lessons, a car, insurance, MOT or most things, really. With the car I'd not chase her anymore.

You've offered to pay, and reminded her, now she really does need to be an adult and face the consequences of the fact that she can't be arsed to sort it, and still expects a parent to. It's facing up whatever that might be, that will make her see how bloody lucky she is to have you. Honestly, you'll be doing her a favour in the long run by leaving her to sort this.

You sound like a lovely mum btw.

For my children's maintenance loans, the loan was divided by the number of weeks they were at Uni, to give them more income to live on during term. In university holidays they weren't expected to pay me rent or buy food, as I was happy to look after them and for them to have a much needed break. However, had cars been involved, they would have had to manage this themselves. Not saying I wouldn't offer to help if I could afford it, but it would not be my responsibility.
It not an either/or situation, you can still call/text her just to keep in touch, you don't need to threaten to cut stuff off, that is controlling.
Leave her to sort out the car stuff, it really isn't your responsibility.

R they enjoying their uni experience, if so be happy they are, it’s yr job to set them free, don’t get caught up in the bitterness of cutting off their phone, get yrself done hobbies so u have something interesting to say to them.

Have you ever considered that she's an introvert and prefers being left alone? I dodge calls from my mum all the time, but she calls once a week and that might not seem alot but once a month would be better. It's not that I don't like her...I really do. And when I'm with her I speak.non stop but when I'm not around I do prefere working or even just reading a book and not having to tell.people what I'm up to all the time. She might feel the same.

The 'interesting thing' that @LoneAndLoco has to say is "if you don't arrange an MOT for the car you will be breaking the law. You may be fined £1000 - which I will not be paying". She's not wanting to have mindless chit-chat with her DD about hobbies 🙄

Unfortunately I think you've done all you can - I'd certainly be considering selling this car if she won't take care of it.

Send her a message telling her to get a job as the only thing you will be paying is her rent as of next month. You're enabling this behaviour. She doesn't get an MOT she doesn't have a car. She's 19 not 9.

Re the car - and assuming you are getting ‘read’ receipts that confirm she is still in possession of the phone and hasn’t lost it - I’d send one final text: “Your car needs its MOT by X date. If it is not done your insurance will be invalid and driving it will be illegal. It will also be illegal to park it on a public road so you will need to find private storage for it. I’ve tried to assist in this, but obviously you wish to deal with this yourself. I will not be bailing you out if you are stopped by the police or get into an accident. Call me if you would like to discuss and resolve.”

I think she's treating you abysmally OP. Honestly, I have adult children and I wouldn't put up with it. It is just basic good manners to keep in contact with the person who is bankrolling you and helping you.

I can’t sell the car. She owns it.

I think it might be best if you give her an allowance for this phase of her life and the freedom to spend it as she sees fit. That way you don't feel annoyed that you're paying for her phone, having to sort out her MOT and insurance, she sorts these out herself.

I would then wait for her to contact you (probably when the allowance runs out and her phone bill needs paying!!)

My message....you can not drive your car unless we sort this out as it's illegal call now. ....but unless necessary for her course why does she have one?

Like this

Stop worrying just message I'm not sorting this as pp has put it. Treat her like an adult. Don't send money unless she communicates.

I would be less annoyed and more concerned if I were you.

She has only just started back and these things should have been dealt with during the summer as she’s probably feeling quite overwhelmed by it all, especially if this is common for her.

Text her and say you’ll be coming to her area to sort out everything that needs sorting and when is best for her and does she need anything bringing up.

If she doesn’t reply after a couple of days then tell her you’ll be there on X date at X time.

I’d consider contacting the welfare team at uni too.

Ok, so you can pay the insurance as you already are doing and it does not need her input. So you can tick that admin off.

However, she will need to MOT the car. You say she was in a dark place last year and was not replying to messages. Could it be that those messages (not just from you) are not being replied to again? Do you think she might be finding life (and therefore organising an MOT) overwhelming? Could you send her the contact details of her nearest garage to help her?

But also...how long has she been back at Uni, as term has only just started? So how long has she not been in contact for?

Maybe next time a little forward planning (eg it sounds as if the MOT is imminent, in which case it could have been done last month during the holidays. Was she at home then?) might be better for your headspace. Then you can send her back to uni with the major jobs ticked off.

I’ve offered to arrange for and pay for a service which will collect the car, do the MOT and any repairs and return it. No reply. I don’t have the time myself to go there and spend time doing all this.

I contacted the welfare team last year and they could do bugger all as she is an adult. Despite having a bad time she went back there in the summer so there was no time to sort out the car. MOTs come round on an annual date when they are due.

You’re babying her whilst also expecting her to act like a grown up that pays you respect and understands the importance of life admin

take the emotion out if it, it’s not at all about you and entirely about her being a bit spoilt and a bit young and silly and trying to find her feet in a new life away from home.

Just tell her, I’ll pay if you do x by x date. If I haven’t heard from you to sort it by then, I won’t be able to help.

you say you can’t do that because the consequences are too bad, and I suspect she knows that if she ignores you you’ll sort it for her.

Yes, there is no guarantee she is replying to course messages or attending anything. I can’t do anything about that.

Is the uni far? Can you contact them and request a welfare check? Might seem OTT but she needs to understand that some level of communication is needed. I'm assuming she's a fresher, she may be very overwhelmed and sometimes this is the way they communicate that.
If not, she's behaving like a brat and needs to learn the natural consequences of her actions.

If a welfare check has been done and she's fine, you're sure she's not overwhelmed and she's just choosing to ignore you and be a bitch, I really would give her a final warning and cut off anything above your expected top up of maintenance loan. Make sure you spell out the consequences of not doing the MOT etc and be prepared to stick with your decision.

I suspect you won't do that though, it is in a wag controlling of her as you seem addicted to making her life as comfortable as possible. This is the case with so many mums and I'm sorry to say you sound like a bit of a doormat. This won't change once she's finished uni btw. You're setting the bar now as to what's an ok way to treat you.

Sorry just read she's not a fresher. In that case it sounds like what others posters have already said. It's just weaponised incompetence and she's treating you like crap. It's abusive tbh and she knows she can get away with it. She's probably calling you all sorts of names to her mates whilst raking in your cash.
But at the same time I don't really understand what you expect when you've taught her that she can treat you like this and the money keeps coming.