Philippa Perry Article "I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief".

[Idlewilderness]

I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardia

My children would be mortified if I showed them this, but I could have written this letter.

Funnily enough, the Uni years didn't bother me at all. They came home every now and then, and were here most of the summers. I have a very busy life and I was fine with that.

But they are now at opposite ends of the country, they have very busy lives and we have seen them each once since Christmas. I have to work very hard not to let it break my heart. I am so jealous of those whose adult children live near to them. I don't expect anything different from them, I'm not looking for answers, it's just very helpful to read this and realise I am not alone in how it makes me feel.

And like the letter writer, I was exactly the same in my own twenties. Though there were much younger children at home who didn't go away to uni so my parents didn't have an empty nest until I was about 30!

I feel exactly the same way. I have between 19-24 and only one is local at this point. While I am so happy one is around, but I feel like I am missing a limb.

I have two at uni and one who lives an hour away. I'll be moving in the next few months and will be less than an hour from a uni one but about 4-5 hours from the other two. Then next year one will probably be working abroad and in two years another one might be. All I can say is thank goodness for face time. I miss them all so much but I console myself with a job well done as they are living their own lives as they want to.

Ugh I literally just felt dread thinking this.

Especially as a mother of boys as boys tend to in experience flock to their wife's side.

God, I thought I was pathetic for feeling like this.

One flew the nest years ago and I felt ok, having two others at home helped. Whilst the second went to Uni, it didn’t seem too bad since he came home at least every couple of months, but he’s just about to move into his own home. Although I will always have the youngest at home, he is severely disabled so there’s no conversation etc there.

I realise I should be grateful for what I have, and I am truly proud but I’m feeling so incredibly sad.

I suspect it's another transition and we will all get used to it and move into a different phase, but for us the post uni phase has been so abruptly different. And yes, I've been feeling pathetic too, it was such a relief to read that article.

You are not alone OP. Mine are hundreds of miles away and it's unlikely they will ever live close to me again. I always have a few bad days when we come home after visiting them . I know I should be thankful they are thriving but it's hard not to miss the happy family life that we once had.

I could have written it too. Mine came home after uni then both moved to other cities after a few years. They have partners and busy, happy lives and I am glad for them but God, I miss them. One phoned today and the other texted but I haven’t seen one since a flying visit home last month and the other since May. I will see her next week, I hope.

@Helpimfalling you’re right, it’s that saying isn’t it, a daughter is a daughter for all of your life, a son is your son until he gets a wife.

I know how much they love me but I still get jealous when I hear people (my siblings particularly) sharing how often they spend time with their children’s families.

I couldn't bare it.. I'd have to move near them.
But luckily they didn't want to move away ..
Two daughters with my Grandkids.. they both live 10 mins walk away..

Please don’t despair. I felt I’d lost mine in their 20s but then marriages and children came along and now we’re closer than ever. When they settle down they seem to appreciate you again. And you hopefully get the next generation too!

That letter affected me too - I could have written it. DS1 doesn’t seem that interested in visiting us 😭 I think I’ll take Philippa’s advice about regularly taking him for dinner and letting him know it’s for my sake.

I have a few years before this but do think about us as a single parent with a DS. What did you think about what the response said about relationships? I imagine the stronger other relationships are the easier it is?

I moved 300+ miles away from my parents as soon as I left uni 17 years ago to be with my now DH who couldn’t move away from his home (local family business). It still hurts so much that it brings me to tears just typing this. I don’t regret moving away as I love my DH and my life here but I do wish I could see my parents more than I do. I would love to just be able to pop in and see them whenever.

But how would that work if they wanted their independence or lived in different directions?

I have both genders and tbh I don't worry I'll lose the boys to the wife's families. I think that can happen for many reasons and I'd hazard a guess it's not because some suddenly love mum less. Try not to assume that will happen. Positive manipulation. You're equal. You'll have to share but don't expect the worse.

The summer holidays and Fakebook does not help either.

Seeing my friends looking after their GC and ours are 6 hours away.

Personally I have not coped with well at all.

Seeing my son all over Facebook on holiday with his in laws genuinely upsets me.
Seen my son three times this year!
I appreciate they are busy and have to work where it is good for their career but miss having him around so so much.

I once have one dc and she’s planning on moving to Canada. I’ll miss her like crazy.

It's weird. You invest all that time and love into having kids but sometimes they can end up as strangers. What is it all for?

I haven't read the article yet but this just seems ok Ike bad advice! You will end up being a chore to him

One of mine has just moved out for good. I bumped into him the other day. It was brilliant. In some ways I feel closer to him as I'm no longer part of the furniture (I'm joking a bit here).

The other one lives quite far away but we see each other every few months by taking turns in travelling up or down.

I understand if you've been very involved in each other's daily lives it must be harder. We're close but also like our own space which makes it easier I guess.

I'd never tell them this but I'd really hate it if they went thousands of miles away permanently. If I can get to them within four or five hours, that's fine. Any further and that would be really, really hard for me.

This strikes such a painful chord with me. I feel the grief to my very bones. Not seen them for over a year. It’s not because it’s a tricky relationship but a very long distance one.

Why do you see them so infrequently?

I have two dc who each live 2-3 hours drive away. Both work full time and have busy social lives but we make time and arrangements to see each other - even if it's just meeting halfway to have a walk/lunch. On average we see them every 6 weeks or so.

Especially as a mother of boys as boys tend to in experience flock to their wife's side.

I don’t think this is true for all. My brother & my male cousins are all very close with their mums and DH is very, very close with his mum. Most of my female friends have fraught relationships with their own mothers.

Same here.

In between times one stays really close to me with lots of texts and phone calls but the other is in her own bubble with working ridiculously long hours, her relationship, exercise regime and friends stuff. It hurts.

Me too and I haven’t found it’s got any easier as they’ve moved into their 40’s! Yes to the poster who said you pour all your love and care into them and are then assumed to just switch to having a different role. Mine are all very happy and we haven’t had falling out but 2 of them live on the other side of the world and I see them once every 12-18 months. Every now and again I secretly have a little weep about it and then feel pathetic afterwards.