Philippa Perry Article "I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief".

[Idlewilderness]

I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardia

My children would be mortified if I showed them this, but I could have written this letter.

Funnily enough, the Uni years didn't bother me at all. They came home every now and then, and were here most of the summers. I have a very busy life and I was fine with that.

But they are now at opposite ends of the country, they have very busy lives and we have seen them each once since Christmas. I have to work very hard not to let it break my heart. I am so jealous of those whose adult children live near to them. I don't expect anything different from them, I'm not looking for answers, it's just very helpful to read this and realise I am not alone in how it makes me feel.

And like the letter writer, I was exactly the same in my own twenties. Though there were much younger children at home who didn't go away to uni so my parents didn't have an empty nest until I was about 30!

Even if they live far away there is no reason why they should be strangers.
But it’s true , we put so much of ourselves into our children and then they are gone and depending on the choices they make, they may end up very far away from us.

That was exactly the right answer from your mum - even if she was lying

I think some introverts are quite hard to maintain a relationship with long distance though. If you're a phone/facetime chat type person, you're right that you can maintain strong bonds over a great distance. And that's much easier than it was when @sunsetsandboardwalks parents were young. But if your loved one is the silent type, it's much easier to maintain the relationship face to face.

It's a very different dynamic over distance and you don't always realise that until someone moves away from family. My DP seemed to expect me to have the same close relationships with extended family that they did, this was despite the fact that they saw theirs at least weekly growing up and I lived far away from mine. There's a real learning curve for the first generation of wing spreaders.

I didn't think through the ramifications of moving to the other end of the country, and I quietly always miss my parents too even when life means I am too busy to see them often

I actually chose a uni that was a 6 hour train journey from my family. A year later they - for unconnected reasons - moved an hour away from me. I was quietly really pleased and I think an hour or so away is pretty good for everyone - not so close you are in each other's pockets but close enough for regular easy contact. But I totally accept that there are multiple factors for my children to juggle in choosing their location and my feelings about it are not one of them!

I think this is a mindset thing.
My DM finds us extremely irritating and in turn we find her difficult.

My MIL seems to find constant job in her adult children but she absolutely still subjugates herself. Even at 84 she is determined not to make it all about her needs. The interesting things is that her adult children spend far more time with her and consider her far more than we do with my more difficult DM.

I study my MIL closely and from what I can see you never stop being the mother but you do have to have a relationship that is on a more adult level.

I sometimes wish my DP were nearer but whenever I visit them I always return home so glad I don't live where they do. I had a ton of baggage there from my teenage years and really hated living there as an adult. It never felt like an option to settle down there.

I do worry about my DP, they are very insular and their mental health is really declining now that they are bother retired and see even fewer people. I'm less judgemental of them though, I get how hard it is to make new friends and get how you can try and then give up when nothing seems to work.

you’re right, it’s that saying isn’t it, a daughter is a daughter for all of your life, a son is your son until he gets a wife.

this is old fashioned bollocks with the potential to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

my oh rings his mum far more often than I ring mine and my brother visits my parents weekly.

Thank you @Idlewilderness for starting such an interesting conversation. This aspect of parenting is so rarely talked about which makes it a lonely and bemusing road to travel in my experience. I’m genuinely saddened to read the posts here but appreciate the searing honesty too.

I have adult children and my purely anecdotal conclusion is that despite similar childhoods, each have, in very different ways, set the tone, pace, and boundaries for our adult to adult relationships.
I’m the same mum to each of them, they’ve had the same opportunities, lived in the same household, shared the same family, and yet their response to me now couldn’t be more different.
One works hard at prioritising our relationship, letting us know we matter by making time for us, putting effort in, reciprocating thoughtfulness, actively creating times for us to be together as the family we still are. And of course we do as we have always done and matched or exceeded this effort. We do everything we can to make their life easier and they do the same for us. In other words it’s a two way street. It’s easy and natural and everything I hoped it would be to have the chance of being in the life of my grown up child.
Our other child holds us at arms length and gives a very good impression of not caring one jot. They have worked hard at prioritising everyone but us, including their sibling who feels as excluded we do. They are simply not interested in having us in their life and make it as hard as possible for us to maintain any sort of regular communication. It’s all on their terms. Phone calls go unanswered, texts not responded to, yes/no answers, impossible to make plans, just won’t commit to any suggestions. It’s almost impossible to maintain any sort of relationship with them.

I’m not needy, controlling, judgemental or critical and I don’t for a moment think anyone on this thread is either. We’re all just normal loving human beings trying to do our best in life for our nearest and dearest.
My experiences have taught me that you get what you’re given - there’s no virtue involved here, it’s luck.
I feel an unbearable sadness at losing the child I loved and cherished and did my best for. I’d hoped we’d stay close but now I’m often made to feel I’m a nuisance/ intruding/ not welcome in their life.
So I hear you all, and send kindness your way. We must remember that we did our best and we gave our love generously. That still matters, it still counts for something.

@ThisOrdinaryLife Thank you for your wisdom and honesty. I feel for you.

I know how she feels.
7 years ago my DD moved to the opposite side of our city because of her job and the fact that she couldn't afford to live in the area she grew up. Five years ago my DS did the same. I understood. I travelled to visit as otherwise I wouldn't have seen them.

I live alone as I am widowed. I had help from my best friend with things. I was still working and had friends around. Life was OK. I didn't see much of DD and DS. I had to give up driving many years ago due to my failing eyesight but I managed to visit them both by public transport which took an hour to two hours each way. They rarely visited me as they were too busy.
They persuaded me to move nearer to them, saying they would see me more and could help me with things.

.You may have guessed that I still rarely see them now I have moved. They don't have time to spend with me. I am now severely sight impaired and have other disabilities. I no longer work.

We have a Whatsapp family chat but if I message I rarely get a reply. They don't have time to speak on the phone. I am incredibly sad about it.
My DD said a year ago that as she is usually free on Sunday
evenings and she is now driving that she would come over for the evening on a regular basis.
She has been 3 times, the last time 6 months ago.

Do you offer to take them on holiday? Do you offer childcare help in the summer?

Or are you expecting them to come visit you on weekends / take annual leave etc?

This seems a bit harsh. If you live 6 hours away, it's much harder to maintain a close relationship with your children and grandchildren than for the other grandparents who live nearby. Offering childcare help will not be straightforward at that distance. @Popettypop might not be able to afford to offer to take them away.

I'm incredibly lucky that my adult DC are all local. One in the same village (with our grandchildren) and the other two under 15 miles away. They all come home most weekends even if just for a cuppa/ investigate what I've got in the fridge and we've got a family whatsapp that is very active daily.

My own parents separated when I was a young teen, and our family became horribly disjointed. We lost all contact with extended family, and Mum was always too obsessed with my sister to have room for me on her radar. DH's story is similar, and so we made our own very tight family unit by design I guess. We do our utmost to treat all our DC equally, and they know that this is always their home no matter what happens in their lives. I've really loved the adult phase of their lives the most - seeing them fly away from the nest and make their own ways in life but still knowing that we're close by, I guess.

Thank you @Blackcountryexile
I think that sometimes all we can do is share our stories.

That's really awful @Oneblindmouse. How difficult for you.

I really think people should be more thoughtful before saying things like "if you move closer I'll do x" and I think that's something both parents and children sometimes do.

@Oneblindmouse, that sounds so hard. It sounds like they thought they were too busy to make the journey over to you, then when you moved they found they were just too busy generally.

It's obviously a huge risk to put all your eggs in one basket and move to where your kids are. I wouldn't do it, and I don't think mine would thank me for it, though I do know a few families where grandparents have moved to be near to support the family when grandkids were little and it's worked well. It's so tough on you that they encouraged you to do it and then continued to be flakey.

Have you been able to build a life for yourself that isn't about them? In my city there are lots of community groups during the day offering coffee mornings and warm hub spaces. They work so well for older people who are a bit isolated and want some company. The great thing is, you are supporting others and they are supporting you, so it's not a one way street.

@ThisOrdinaryLife have pm'd you!

Dear me, the last few posts have made me feel quite sad.
I expect some seismic changes in my life over the next few years and am feeling quite apprehensive about
DC will probably move out- which will be good- or far away, which will not be so good. No idea where they will get jobs in this economy.
I am planning to move my much loved DM in, which will be a challenge though we get along very well
DH will retire and I will go part-time; another massive challenge.

I was just listening to The Shift podcast by Sam Baker yesterday, where she interviewed Lindsay Nicholson, former editor in chief of Good Housekeeping. Lindsay lost her husband and daughter to cancer, then got cancer herself, then had her second husband cheat on her, then was made redundant...

Very humbling to hear her talk about seismic change. Apparently she has found her salvation in riding.

Aw, don't feel sad in advance! I thought I'd be devastated when they went to uni and actually it was fine. They did come back regularly and we have built a fantastic empty nest life for ourselves and love going off for the weekend at the drop of a hat.

But that meant I was totally unprepared for this stage where basically you don't see them unless someone makes a special effort, and they are busy getting on building their own lives. There were particular circumstances that meant we didn't see them this year, and we will not let that happen again. I'm very happy to travel to them on a day return for a few hours, and probably just need to do that more often. Not going to demand once a month though!

So I have a lovely life and am proud of the young people they have turned into, and know they need to build their own lives. But sometimes I feel mild envy of those whose kids never left the area.

But I also know people whose adult kids run them ragged with childcare and don't say thank you, or those who have an unemployed adult child living at home and not talking to them. And of course, not everyone gets to even be a parent. So I am very grateful for what I have.

Just can't quite believe there are still transitions to go through as a parent after all these years!

@CharlotteRumpling Lindsay Nicholson's story sounds harrowing. I can see how horse riding might help - the physical and emotional contact with the horse as well as the ongoing interest and passion.

Retirement/going part time is a transition but it's a really nice problem to have! So many possibilities that weren't there before. Make sure your retired husband does all the domestics then your weekends/days off are just for fun. It can make a huge difference to the still working partner if the retired one picks up the slack.

And sounds like you get on well with your mum, so yes, another transition but hopefully a positive one overall.

I agree about the transitions @Idlewilderness

Its just something we dont see coming really. And if course WE all moved out and away at some point but we were so self centred we didn't ever think about our parents and how it affected them.

@Idlewilderness absolutely not what I was saying, not at all.