I have heard quite recently that when your adult children leave and go their own way in life, it's not unusual for it to feel like a bereavement - and yes it is a loss. I have got two adult daughters in their late 20s. Both left home around 11-12 years ago. (Left for Uni and never lived at home full time again.) They have been living with partners for about 8-9 years. One married - one soon to be married.
When they were at Uni - at the same time, as they're a year apart in age and my oldest had a gap year after college - I was lucky if I got one phone call every 2 weeks. I felt the pain physically from them not being here. The gap in my life was palpable. They did used to come home in the holidays and me and DH popped to see them now and again. (Stayed in a hotel overnight and had a meal with them there in the town where the uni was twice a year maybe.) But I missed them so much that I did feel bereft.
Since they've left Uni, we see the one daughter about once every 3 weeks, and the other every 2 weeks. They very rarely ring and don't answer when we do. They just message saying 'Bit busy, what's up?' They do both chat quite a bit on whatsapp though. I speak to DD1 maybe 4-5 days of the week on whatsapp, and DD2 maybe twice a week.
Fortunately they only live 16 miles away, and 23 miles away. . I really don't know how I would cope if they both decided to move multiple hundreds of miles away, and I only saw them 2 or 3 times a year - or even thousands of miles away abroad, and I only saw them every 1.5 to 2 years or so. Once a year if I'm lucky. I really don't see how you can maintain a relationship with anybody when you're in a different country. Apparently some people make it work but I don't know how.
My friend's sister moved to Greece about 9 years ago, and she said she feels like her sister is a stranger now, especially since they didn't see each other for a couple years over COVID. Her sister has a nephew who is 7 and he doesn't even know her. Since summer 2022 she has seen her sister and nephew twice. For 3 days last April 2023. And a week this March when she visited them. Not seen her since.
My friend who lives down the road from me had her parents moved to central Spain in 2018, and she had a baby in 2021, and they have seen him 4 times... for 5-7 days at a time. In THREE YEARS. They came for Christmas last year, and my friend and her sister (who lives 150 miles away,) and parents all had a big family get together, but they haven't visited since. And she hasn't been there. She works 4 days a week and has the kiddy in nursery. There's another child that won't know their grandparents.
With the 2 above examples, and several others I know (where family moved abroad, or multiple 100s of miles away,) they made some effort to keep in touch/visit for the first few years, but then as they years went on... 4 years, 5 years, 6 years +, the visits and phone calls got less frequent, until (as I said,) you feel like you don't know them any more.
I think mothers of sons are more likely to see less of their child (and grandkids) than mothers of daughters - as they do gravitate towards the wife's family quite often, but it's not an absolute given. Both partners my daughters are with are very involved in their parents lives. In fact, I think my daughters see a little bit more of them than they do us, because both of them and their partners live a couple of miles away from the partner's families.
I don't mind though. I still do get to see them 2-3 times a month. They both live in large towns and we live deep in the sticks, so there's no way they were going to come out here!
I really think it's a terrible idea though, by that lady in the article to contact your adult child, and say 'I want to come and have a meal once a month as I NEEEED you!' As it will end up feeling like a chore - and it is really desperately needy. I think people who feel bereft need to find something to fill the gap. I did.
I filled my life with extra hobbies and interests, because as much as my daughters love me and DH, they do have their own lives, and we are not high on the list of priorities in their life. (At this point.) Their partner is No 1 now. And their career, their friends, their pets, their hobbies. Not us. They love us and would be there for us if we needed them desperately, but day to day they don't think about us much I don't think. I was the same at that age!
I moved out at 20 and lived 120 miles away for a year and didn't even look back. Came back for weekends just 3 times. And a week for Christmas. Didn't think how my parents felt. I just wanted to get away!!! I do wonder if it's worse when your kids leave and have their own life that doesn't have you in it much, if you're single/live alone (like the lady in the article?) I still had/have DH. I may have struggled way more if I had been alone.
But yes, it is utterly heartbreaking and very sad that you bring these children into the world and look after them for two decades, sometimes more. And then you're just expected to switch off - and let them go into the world, and be happy with one phone call a month and one visit a season sometimes! Or even for them to swan off to the other side of the planet.
If my daughters said they were moving to Australia or South Africa or something - I would be absolutely devastated.
I don't know if they will have children at some point. They say they don't think they want them - but they're only in their late 20s so they might change their mind. If they don't that's okay... If they do, I'll be ready to welcome my grandchildren ...
I really do hope that they don't move any further away than they are now. Because even though we only see them 2 or 3 times a month for an hour or two. (And have 4 or 5 meals out plus a couple of daytrips during the year,) they can still be here within 20-25 minutes if we need them in an emergency.