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Parents of adult children

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Philippa Perry Article "I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief".

206 replies

Idlewilderness · 25/08/2024 21:54

I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardia

My children would be mortified if I showed them this, but I could have written this letter.

Funnily enough, the Uni years didn't bother me at all. They came home every now and then, and were here most of the summers. I have a very busy life and I was fine with that.

But they are now at opposite ends of the country, they have very busy lives and we have seen them each once since Christmas. I have to work very hard not to let it break my heart. I am so jealous of those whose adult children live near to them. I don't expect anything different from them, I'm not looking for answers, it's just very helpful to read this and realise I am not alone in how it makes me feel.

And like the letter writer, I was exactly the same in my own twenties. Though there were much younger children at home who didn't go away to uni so my parents didn't have an empty nest until I was about 30!

I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Ask Philippa

It’s painful because of the deep bonds you have with your children. Set up a routine for seeing them and be clear it’s for your sake

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/25/i-miss-my-adult-children-so-much-it-feels-like-grief

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 28/08/2024 10:46

@Courgettesareready thank you and I'm so sorry to hear your father has been so difficult. Relationships very much have to be earned,

Scenty · 28/08/2024 13:02

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 28/08/2024 10:45

@Idlewilderness absolutely not what I was saying, not at all.

I get what you meant @Notmycircusnotmyotter.

It is not that all parents whose grown children are selfish are difficult - the same way people can be selfish and neglectful, our own DC can be that way towards us.

However , a needy, demanding parent who makes clear that they either need to be looked after or that the DC need to be in a supplicant child type relationship will often result in less contact and enjoyment of each others company.

I suppose what I am saying is we all need to re think our relationships as our children grow into adulthood and this is a really difficult thing to do.

Pixiedust49 · 28/08/2024 13:26

ssd · 28/08/2024 08:38

I agree about the transitions @Idlewilderness

Its just something we dont see coming really. And if course WE all moved out and away at some point but we were so self centred we didn't ever think about our parents and how it affected them.

Exactly. I never gave my parents a single thought when I was younger even though I loved them dearly. I guess our children will only discover how it feels if they have adult children of their own. The circle of life.

Meadowwild · 28/08/2024 14:03

WhatNoRaisins · 27/08/2024 15:40

It's a very different dynamic over distance and you don't always realise that until someone moves away from family. My DP seemed to expect me to have the same close relationships with extended family that they did, this was despite the fact that they saw theirs at least weekly growing up and I lived far away from mine. There's a real learning curve for the first generation of wing spreaders.

It can have a weird knock on effect too. DP-iLs moved two doors down from DH's sister and her husband, to be close to their grandchildren. They looked after them all the time. Then SiL split with her husband and moved with her new partner to the other side of the world. They only saw her and their grandchildren a handful of times again, when before they'd been central to their daily life.

When we had DC, PiLs said they didn't want to get too close to them and have their hearts broken all over again. My parents showed no interest in grandchildren by that stage, as we had DC after DSis and Dbro did, so the novelty was gone. it meant DC never had strong bonds with anyone from that generation, even though PiLs are lovely people

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 28/08/2024 14:39

@Scenty mmm I agree. It's so sad to think that one day my little ones might not bother with me. Absolutely heartbreaking. This thread has really made me think about how much I have to treasure these years and do everything I can to bring them up in a way that leans us to a healthy and close relationship when they reach adulthood.

Decorhate · 28/08/2024 17:01

A very timely thread as my son is about to leave home to start a graduate job in a different part of the country - especially when he blithely announced he would probably not see us until Christmas! (I quickly thought of a reason for him to visit us before that!)

However I always try to remember what I was like at that age, when my friends were more important to me than my family really and I too moved a long way from home. I try to not appear too desperate for their company.

I do feel for my parents now - two of their children moved to a different country. Neither planned for it to be permanent at the time but it turned out to be.

And I am sad that my children don’t have the close relationship with their grandparents that I had. Though I think a lot of that is to do with the effort (or lack of) my parents and in laws have put in tbh. It’s not just down to distance. One of my grandmothers lived several hours away from us but I would go and visit her on my own when I was a student etc. Mine will only visit their grandparents if we all go.

It will be interesting to see if the dynamics change if they have children of their own.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/08/2024 17:53

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 28/08/2024 14:39

@Scenty mmm I agree. It's so sad to think that one day my little ones might not bother with me. Absolutely heartbreaking. This thread has really made me think about how much I have to treasure these years and do everything I can to bring them up in a way that leans us to a healthy and close relationship when they reach adulthood.

But are you doing it for selfish reasons?
Maybe they'd prefer not to be super close. Maybe you'll restrict them in their life choices

Scenty · 28/08/2024 18:28

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/08/2024 17:53

But are you doing it for selfish reasons?
Maybe they'd prefer not to be super close. Maybe you'll restrict them in their life choices

Show quote history

Completely agree here and @Notmycircusnotmyotter I think it’s important to just cultivate a positive relationship and then let the cards fall as they will. I would rather a happy and fulfilled DC living in New York than an unfulfilled DC living around the corner because I never gave them wings to fly

ssd · 28/08/2024 19:12

I know quite a few mums who have done their best to clip their children's wings and discourage them moving out. Its mums who dont have a great relationship with their dh. They use the kids as company. And the kids loose all confidence to do anything.

Its sad.

user1471453601 · 28/08/2024 19:17

It's odd, isn't it, that we put all our energy into helping them be a functioning adult, and when they do just what we've been working with them to achieve, we feel bereft?

I felt the same way in 1987 when my child went to university. Illogical, but real and understandable.

SwedishEdith · 28/08/2024 19:18

I'd love one of mine to live in New York! I'd definitely struggle if they chose Australia or NZ because of distance/time/cost factors plus not overly interested in visiting. We've seen it happen in our family how that move to the other side of the world really does mean it's difficult to keep up a deep relationship unless have the money to fly back/pay for relatives to fly regularly.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 28/08/2024 20:24

That's not what I meant. I've travelled widely, lived and worked abroad, and I'll encourage mine to do the same if they want to.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 29/08/2024 07:36

I’m not exactly wild about the country that the DC have chosen to live in. Ive been once and travelled around for a few weeks. Will do it again.

It’s ok… but not my bag for some reason… and that surprises me as DC absolutely loves it, and for that reason I expected to love it too.

It’s an absolute bummer of a time difference, too. I can’t believe I’m jealous of people who have a 12hr time difference with their kids… 🤷🏼‍♀️

GorgeousTulips · 29/08/2024 07:43

I feel exactly the same. I do have one living in the same area but he has decided to go NC with his siblings and I hardly see him. The other two live at the other end of the country. They are also very hard work when we do see them these days. I feel a lot of grief and sadness about it.

GorgeousTulips · 29/08/2024 07:45

ssd · 28/08/2024 19:12

I know quite a few mums who have done their best to clip their children's wings and discourage them moving out. Its mums who dont have a great relationship with their dh. They use the kids as company. And the kids loose all confidence to do anything.

Its sad.

I’ve seen the same thing and agree it’s not right. I also know some divorced women who use their children as props because they don’t have any interests of hobbies and few friends. It’s not healthy for anyone.

LostittoBostik · 29/08/2024 08:09

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 29/08/2024 07:36

I’m not exactly wild about the country that the DC have chosen to live in. Ive been once and travelled around for a few weeks. Will do it again.

It’s ok… but not my bag for some reason… and that surprises me as DC absolutely loves it, and for that reason I expected to love it too.

It’s an absolute bummer of a time difference, too. I can’t believe I’m jealous of people who have a 12hr time difference with their kids… 🤷🏼‍♀️

Are you not in the UK? Because 13 hours is the max difference... (my best friend lives in Nz)

LostittoBostik · 29/08/2024 08:13

I think your own parenting/background can really affect how you feel about this. I've only got little ones now, so I may feel differently when the time comes, but my parents left the country for their own careers while I was at uni (I'm an only child). My expectation is always that once you're an adult, you forge your own path and you're expected to do that.
I think if my adult children were seeing me a lot in their 20s I'd actually be a bit worried about them. They shouldn't want to be anywhere near their parents at that time. A few weekends a year is totally healthy, plus phone calls/whataspp

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 29/08/2024 08:15

@LostittoBostik yes, I’m in the UK. Can’t really divulge where the DC is living but it’s an irritating time difference that means that with their FT work, leaves a very odd time for them to call me at weekends. Odd for me, not for them!

At least with a, say, 12 hr time difference it’s a 7am/7pm kind of vibe.

Hope that makes sense…

GorgeousTulips · 29/08/2024 08:48

LostittoBostik · 29/08/2024 08:13

I think your own parenting/background can really affect how you feel about this. I've only got little ones now, so I may feel differently when the time comes, but my parents left the country for their own careers while I was at uni (I'm an only child). My expectation is always that once you're an adult, you forge your own path and you're expected to do that.
I think if my adult children were seeing me a lot in their 20s I'd actually be a bit worried about them. They shouldn't want to be anywhere near their parents at that time. A few weekends a year is totally healthy, plus phone calls/whataspp

I don’t agree that’s it’s healthy not to want to be anywhere near your parents in your twenties. If you have a good relationship with them why wouldn’t you went to go ‘home’ and see them?

HesterRoon · 29/08/2024 10:08

@GorgeousTulips I agree-one of my colleagues openly said it was weird when I said my adult children were coming on holiday with us-but we enjoy each others company so why not?

WhatNoRaisins · 29/08/2024 10:11

In my case I think I did have flying the nest very normalised because neither of my parents lived near their parents. It was still upsetting for them when I moved away though.

HotCrossBunplease · 29/08/2024 10:24

Moier · 25/08/2024 22:18

I couldn't bare it.. I'd have to move near them.
But luckily they didn't want to move away ..
Two daughters with my Grandkids.. they both live 10 mins walk away..

Was there really any need to gloat?

Original poster
Idlewilderness · 29/08/2024 11:03

GorgeousTulips · 29/08/2024 08:48

I don’t agree that’s it’s healthy not to want to be anywhere near your parents in your twenties. If you have a good relationship with them why wouldn’t you went to go ‘home’ and see them?

Show quote history

I know parents my age who moved country when their children left home, and I did wonder how their children would feel. To me, it seems a bit brutal to suddenly have no roots in your home town and not be able to pop back when you need a bit of TLC.

But what this thread shows is that families have all sorts of different dynamics. I struggled with my parents in my twenties and found my mum very hard to get on with. But I did know they were there for me, and we became much closer when i had my own kids and they were brilliant grandparents. I have done a lot to support mine and my partner's parents in old age, and am happy to do it. I have tried to support my own kids when they need it - being a sounding board when they need it, helping them move house etc. I'd love the chance to be a doting grandparent, but wouldn't dream of mentioning it to them as I would never want to pressurise them.

If they moved to another country and were happy, I'd be pleased for them. I'd accept that was what they needed to do and would not show them I was upset. But I'd much rather they lived close enough to pop round for a meal from time to time, or for us to spend a day together occasionally.

I definitely don't need them to give my life purpose or be my social life. I have a busy life, great friends, and my own dreams and ambitions. But I don't think it's weird to want to see them more than twice a year!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idlewilderness · 29/08/2024 11:05

HotCrossBunplease · 29/08/2024 10:24

Was there really any need to gloat?

Show quote history

Not sure it was gloating, just not reading the room. If you are the kind of family who all live near each other, you probably can't imagine it any other way. Or imagine how horrified some of our offspring would be if we announced we were moving to live near them!!

OP posts:
BestIsWest · 29/08/2024 16:43

You’re being very fair there OP. It doesn’t take much imagination to think of all the reasons why moving closer can’t happen for many of us even if the DC wanted it.

e.g. ‘I could move nearer them, sure, but who’d care for my 87 year old DM? Do I move her too? And DB who shares the care burden. Can he and his wife come along as well? And their kids live in a different part of the country again.’

Or jobs. Or other DC in schools etc.