Philippa Perry Article "I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief".

[Idlewilderness]

I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardia

My children would be mortified if I showed them this, but I could have written this letter.

Funnily enough, the Uni years didn't bother me at all. They came home every now and then, and were here most of the summers. I have a very busy life and I was fine with that.

But they are now at opposite ends of the country, they have very busy lives and we have seen them each once since Christmas. I have to work very hard not to let it break my heart. I am so jealous of those whose adult children live near to them. I don't expect anything different from them, I'm not looking for answers, it's just very helpful to read this and realise I am not alone in how it makes me feel.

And like the letter writer, I was exactly the same in my own twenties. Though there were much younger children at home who didn't go away to uni so my parents didn't have an empty nest until I was about 30!

Ds has just moved 5 hours away after finishing uni. I miss him but know he is happy. However we will not see him every 4 weeks. The reality of him working and us working and life means the time and cost of travelling is not easy. We are thinking of doing meet ups in the middle. It is a new way of being a parent to navigate.

I like Philippa Perry's advice column, I think she's wise.

I especially enjoyed the line: what we therapists call “another bloody fucking opportunity for personal growth”.

I divorced the father of my 2 DC when they were late teens. They both have lovely partners, homes, friends and careers. I see one fairly often and the other I see less frequently, but we have meals out as a family 5/6 times per year.

I felt a bit shell shocked to end up on my own after so many years of caring for my children and DPs (both now gone). The past really is another country. The pain is real but I look back on it as the best time of my life. I've tried all sorts of volunteering etc, but nothing fills that emptiness.
However, I'm from an immigrant family and I remember stories of sons/daughters leaving to live in another country and the parents getting an odd letter. One of my uncles didn't make contact for years at a time.
I also know of some women who manipulate and cling to their children so much so that they can't have their own lives and that is very wrong.

Much as I'd love my DC to both be living at home with me, that would be selfish and they'd be unhappy, so I'm glad that my DC are living full lives and I feel that this is the way that things should be.

This is how it's supposed to be though... a slow transition. One of the issues with children coming home after uni is that it's full time again, then disappears suddenly when they find their own home.

Weirdly this thread is really helping me because I have a 3 and 7 yo and am really, really struggling at the moment. So it's making me try to cherish it while it lasts.

This is what I've been trying to say, but you have articulated it better than I could.

@tothelefttotheleft can you share what kind of decisions?
I'm really struggling with parenting young ones at the moment and could do with any advice from future me...

I wish I had too. I'm close to my parents and see them lots and DH is close to his parents although he sees them less, it's regularly with weekly phonecalls and lots of WhatsApp.

But our eldest looks like he won't be doing that. I'm thrilled he looks set to have a lot of fun and a great life, but it was a lot of work and I sort of thought there might be a return on the investment in terms of having this nice adult in my life to chat to regularly.

I've mentioned on other threads that I am trying to be very intentional about friendships outside of the family. I worry because this approach relies on other people also making this a priority.

There's some privilege in this but I think we'd prefer to financially plan for one of us to work part time. I get cynical seeing families where the parents work all hours, play catch up on weekends and have no life. So many parents seem miserable and exhausted from all the "juggling" and "plate spinning".

We want to keep some of ourselves just in case our kids end up a way from us. I also think it's easier for adult kids to have a relationship with their parents when their parents are more rounded people.

I am going to barge in and say: invest in your friends, if you aren't already.
Men leave. Children leave too.

I have some friends who are older than me and one of them gave me some great advice - you need your own life because once they hit the teens they will do their own thing. My DC was about 4 when she said it, but I think it is worth bearing in mind from the early days. My Dsis and I had infrequent contact with my DM in 20s as we’d had a very difficult upbringing and the family home only had bad memories. In my 30s when I had my DS my DM started coming every week to help, even though she had a 2 hour journey each way. She loved it, he loved it. Now fast forward another decade and she has just moved in round the corner. Unthinkable in my 20s. DM has always been incredibly resourceful and never made us feel we had to see her, I think that is why both me and my Dsis came back despite difficult relationships. I’d love my DS to be close when he is older (teen now) but like my DM, I hope I find the strength and grace to make the most of life whichever way it goes.

I can see this coming up with DS heading off to uni in a year. Following for advice.

The things I’ve seen an older generation do to stay in touch without guilting the kids include my grandparents - my granny would write to me at uni and tell me it was time for a visit and send the train fare. I would have a lovely day - but wouldn’t have thought of suggesting it.

My dad (my parents split when I was young) always rang regularly even if I didn’t call him. Over the long term that’s been important in keeping contact going at a base level - sometimes I see him more often, sometimes less. He says you know your kids for longer as adults than they were ever kids. (Though he was fairly young when I was born).

From other families, I think I’d like to be the parents who rent a place in the summer and invite their young adult kids/partners along for a few days/a week.

A work colleague visits his kids fairly regularly (once a term, maybe) at uni, stays over and takes them out for dinner. So sees them but fairly low pressure. I’d be very happy to be the child in that scenario.

I have some friends who are older than me and one of them gave me some great advice - you need your own life because once they hit the teens they will do their own thing. My DC was about 4 when she said it, but I think it is worth bearing in mind from the early days

100%.

You can't neglect your friendships for the best part of a decade and just expect them to still be there when you're ready to carry on.

I remember my mum met up with her friends at least 2-3 times a month when I was little, and my dad always made time for his hobbies (he never was very social) - and it served them so well.

I'm now married and grown, but neither of them ever struggled with their hobbies or social lives because they'd made sure to keep them going as much as possible.

Over the years, I’ve made a point of staying in touch with old friends as well as new ones. It’s so easy to let them go by not finding the time.
I’ve also developed my own hobbies that involve other people.
Im thinking of a career change that I can put my energies into as the kids get older/need me less.

Totally understand

I'm the same

One I see more as not as far away

Oh yeah DO cherish it. 🤗 I loved every minute of the 20-ish years my 2 DD (one year apart in age) were at home and in my life. (Well, there were a few tense moments through their mid teens for a year or two, but on the whole life was wonderful with them!)

I have pretty much got used to them not being here all the time now, and am fairly happy with seeing them 2-3 times a month. Only thing is, Christmases are empty without them. Just me and DH, no magic and excitement at all.

I loved Christmas as a child/teen/young adult, and also loved it when my 2 DD were children (and when they were teenagers!) The Christmas magic has gone now. We see them a few days before Christmas and have a meal and exchange gifts, and then they spend Christmas day with their partner/husband (one is married one is not.) Don't see them until around 5-10 January.

It makes me a bit blue as I loved Christmas so much and now it's quite boring. I am glad when January hits and I know I have Spring and Summer to look forward to ... DH and I are thinking we may go away for Christmas this year. If it's too late to book, then definitely next year.

It is hard to go from being the centre of your DCs world (as a mother) to being on the fringes of it. Even if you do see them/hear from them several times a month (or 2-3 times weekly,) it's still not the same as having them in your life all the time.

I know a few families in my village who have great-gran and grandad, mums, aunts, uncles, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren all living within 10-15 minutes walk of each other. 15-20 family members all living within easy walking distance in a few cases. They see each other 2-3 times a week, go to the pub together for the pub quiz and karaoke nights, have BBQs and family parties, go on daytrips and holidays together, and have a big family Christmas days together (at great grandparents or nan and grandad's)

They all chip in and do it together, with some 13-15 people, (even 18-20 people with one family,) and when I see all the pics on facebook, I do feel pangs of envy and wish it was like that for me. It was like this for me growing up, as I had a big extended family closeby, and Christmases were fab! Most people don't stay close these days sadly. Geographically or otherwise.

Sad times.

I shed tears when they left for uni-now both in their mid twenties living around an hour away. I see them every 3 or 4 weeks. My son is married to a wonderful young woman and my daughter is smitten with her recent bf. I find it hard to understand the grief tbh. They’re not dead. Any sadness I feel that I’m not central to their lives is far outweighed by the happiness I feel as I see them thriving in their careers and relationships and forging their own futures. I feel very lucky that they are sensible, healthy, are employed and well liked by their friends and partners. Isn’t that what raising kids is all about? I’m lucky in that I really enjoy dh’s company, pottering in the garden, meeting up for a coffee with a couple of close friends and going for a hike. Not thrilling but meaningful to me so life feels full. I was orphaned as a teen so really appreciate being around if they need me-but I also know how important it is to be able to thrive independently as parents aren’t around for ever. No way would I be like my colleague whose daughter has started a STEM course at a very well regarded university-she talk about how she can’t wait for her to come back and have babies. Can’t understand it-surely she would want her dd to take advantage of every opportunity her intelligence and hard work has given her?

I can't help thinking that if your kids growing up and moving on leaves a hole in your life, then you need more to fill it.

@HesterRoon

I find it hard to understand the grief tbh. They’re not dead. Any sadness I feel that I’m not central to their lives is far outweighed by the happiness I feel as I see them thriving in their careers and relationships and forging their own futures. I feel very lucky that they are sensible, healthy, are employed and well liked by their friends and partners. Isn’t that what raising kids is all about.

That's lovely for you. But everyone is different, and people are allowed to feel upset, and to feel grief - and feel bereft - when their children leave home/aren't in their lives much.

What a strange thread.

My only dc moved to the USA almost three years ago, it’s so sad.

I’m not saying no one’s allowed-I’m saying I don’t get it-a pang of sadness that life moves on sure-but not all the wailing as if bereaved.

Do you think they might spend Christmas with you some years? I thought most people would…

Why?

"Weirdly this thread is really helping me because I have a 3 and 7 yo and am really, really struggling at the moment. So it's making me try to cherish it while it lasts."

Same here! Also a reminder for me to keep up with my interests.

I am going to get the last line of Phillippa Perry's response put on a t-shirt : " Yet another bloody fucking opportunity for personal growth."