Philippa Perry Article "I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief".

[Idlewilderness]

I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardia

My children would be mortified if I showed them this, but I could have written this letter.

Funnily enough, the Uni years didn't bother me at all. They came home every now and then, and were here most of the summers. I have a very busy life and I was fine with that.

But they are now at opposite ends of the country, they have very busy lives and we have seen them each once since Christmas. I have to work very hard not to let it break my heart. I am so jealous of those whose adult children live near to them. I don't expect anything different from them, I'm not looking for answers, it's just very helpful to read this and realise I am not alone in how it makes me feel.

And like the letter writer, I was exactly the same in my own twenties. Though there were much younger children at home who didn't go away to uni so my parents didn't have an empty nest until I was about 30!

I wouldn't say martyrdom. It's very hard to switch off the mum part.

I just don't know if there is any alternative.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you have anything to feel guilty about. I have a sibling in Australia and every time we visit I feel how hard it is for them. I know my mum feels it too. But they are clearly in the right place for them and their family, and none of us think they should be in the UK.

It's the price we pay for a highly mobile global society - there are wonderful opportunities for travel and adventure, but leaving your country of origin sometimes comes with an emotional price tag.

You obviously value the relationship with your parents and put a huge amount of effort into maintaining it. Nobody could ask.for more. There will be challenges as they get older - and I can see my sibling feels this with my mum - but to be honest, you could live 3 hours away from your parents in this country and have the same challenges. (The Cockroach Cafe thread on here is very supportive for those concerned about older parents, by the way, including those living a long distance apart).

You sound like a lovely daughter and I bet your parents are very proud of you.

I love Philippa Perry.
My last one flies the nest next month. I won't lie, I'm bloody dreading it.

i have one who is in regular contact but miles away
one abroad so sporadic contact, i dont know how i would feel if she didnt plan to come back to UK
and one who we help with their dog, if it wasnt for the dog there would be less contact
they are in their twenties and i am glad for the contact

I think I've been clear this is about what I feel, not what I think my children feel.

There is no martyrdom about having spent 20 years parenting - I loved it and I'm very aware it's a privilege not everyone gets to experience.

I'm very familiar with maternal martyrdom as a trope - "look at everything we did for you..."

If I talked about these feelings to my children, I would be putting pressure on them and playing the martyr card. That's why I am only sharing this on an anonymous internet forum.

I don't expect or want them to do anything different. But I think I would be justified in feeling a bit of sadness if "no news is good news" is as good as it gets.

Hugs OP - mine are still small but I get a sort of physical grief reaction if I imagine a future where they are distant from me (in all sorts of ways).

I also find this very interesting as a way of thinking about what our society values and teaches its citizens - we prize the individual over the collective, independence over dependence. This is of course not the case in all societies. As I get older (and I'm sure connected to having my own children) I find myself questioning this model a lot, and have actually based my own life decisions to an extent on staying geographically close to my parents. It goes against the grain to prioritise those generational familial connections in our culture I think (or perhaps especially in the aspirational middle class), but it feels right to me. Of course others will be desperate to get away and no judgement on them!

When my first child left home for good it was like a pain to my heart . The second night so bad but now I could not have them living with me full time again as I have got used to having my own space .

There is a lot of admiration for multigenerational living and collrctivd societiies on MN, and I sometimes think it only goes one way. Coming from a non- British culture that prizes the collective over the individual, I see the unglamorous side of it.

What it actually means is your MIL living with you and women often becoming unpaid carers, rather than your DC spending quality time with you! The South Asian MN forum is full of such horror stories.

I will myself be shortly taking my mum into my house and expect to care for her, so probably won't have time to brood over my children. I don't think that's what most people want to do, even if they want to see more of their DC.

i was comforted by the advice to demand regular contact! Mine are late teens, so I’m not there yet but very aware my time with them is limited. I’m planning what holidays I can afford when only buying 2 tickets, to ease my pain.. you build your life around them don’t you and then suddenly pfft gone.

i would also say the girl boy thing is nonsense, my brother spends far more time with my mother than I do.

I lost my father fairly young, and it was such a comfort that I had taken the opportunity to spend time with him when I could. He died in his early 60s when my kids were still at primary school. We used to meet up for dinner once a month, I’d call him once a week, we’d go away with him for a long weekend once a year. Obviously we got on, and lived fairly near, but while I miss him terribly I feel a least I didn’t waste the opportunity while it was there!

I can really relate to this. Mine are all with partners and none live at home. I so miss having the family together (one doesn't really interact with his siblings much and lives an alternative lifestyle so they are no longer close). I'm jealous when they do things with their partners families although I know I need to get over it.
I'm trying to keep busy and not be too needy but I dread not seeing them especially for Christmas.

@Idlewilderness well said.

Hang in there OP: I barely saw my parents at all in my 20s. Twice a year mostly. But once I had my own children it was very different. We see them about once a fortnight now (admittedly they did also move closer). You've done nothing wrong, and neither have they. They just need to start their own lives before they're ready to reconnect

That letter was resonant for so many of us.

DS1 has now moved abroad - long haul. He WhatsApps a couple of times most days and we have a video call once a week. He'll be back for Christmas and we'll visit him next Spring.

DS2 is in the process of moving in with his partner and works very long hours as well as running his own side business and playing in a band that gets a lot of gigs. We see him once or twice a month, but when we do he is usually comatose with exhaustion.

The truth is - I have to accept I am not central in their lives right now nor they in mine. Nothing will ever match the intense purpose and fulfilment I found in being a mother, but I have in the past had things that mattered massively to me. I just find it hard to make them matter as much in comparison. Weird feeling. Maybe it passes, in time.

Not a parent, so can't really comment, altho I'm old enough to be in this position.
But were none of you who are now "empty nest parents" not just desperate to get away from home at a young age? Don't you remember how it felt if your parents made a fuss about wanting you to visit more often? A truly independent adult child would probably visit once or twice a year, which seems reasonable to me. I was quite shocked that Philippa Perry insisted on seeing her daughter every 4 weeks - I mean, well done her for owning up to it, but I think many young people would find that suffocating.

Could you move closer? Realistically, that's what made the difference for us - my parents decided to move within an hours drive of us because there was no way our jobs could allow us to be anywhere else. Now they see us at least once a fortnight

I'm not sure it's all about physical distance. DH's parents emigrated to France when we were young adults. They've lived there 20 years. They are grandparents to our children in name, but really don't know them. It isn't because they live in France. It's because they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they've made no effort to really get to know or understand our children despite fortnightly Zoom calls as a wider family and fortnightly Skype calls with us. When they did visit, they expected the children to treat them as if they lived across the street and saw them every day. It just doesn't work like that.

I don't know what the future holds for my children. All have additional needs. One will need lifelong support. I hope they do what they want to do.

I like my adult DC very much, but they can still upset me, so I can envy those who enjoy their adult DC company so unreservedly. Mine make me happier in small occasional doses.

But it's not as good as it gets in reality. She doesn't get the weekly call or even a monthly one but he does come to visit and stay fairly often. Then it's like when he's away he's just focused on what he's doing at that current time.

'A truly independent child should want to see their parents once or twice a year?'

What a ridiculous comment! 🙄 My 2 DD are nearly 30 y.o, and very busy successful professionals with partners, and their own home, and we still see them 2-3 times a month (they live 16-23 miles away.) Sometimes they come here, sometimes we visit them. We go out for meals with them 4-5 times a year, and on a couple of day trips or a theatre trip or two also. No-one has such a busy life that they can only see their parents once or twice a year. (If they live in the same country obvs!)

I do agree that it's daft to insist your adult DC go out for a meal with you once a month though. (Because you need them so much!) That's batshit. As previous posters have said, it will become a chore for them. They should WANT to do it, as my DD want to see us. (They often suggest meet-ups/seeing each other as well as us suggesting it.) Your comments, and Phillipa's comments are both extreme - and a bit bonkers for different reasons.

I was quite shocked that Philippa Perry insisted on seeing her daughter every 4 weeks - I mean, well done her for owning up to it, but I think many young people would find that suffocating.

I liked this suggestion! She was suggesting a meal out once a month, not even staying with her DD … but a couple of hours once a month is ‘suffocating’? 😳

Absolutely - someone posted the other day that they'd given up absolutely everything for their children and all I could think was "why?!".

There's a fine line between being a good, involved parent and being a martyr, and I think the latter will understandably feel bereft when their kids leave and they find out they've got nothing.

I agree with you on this. I was a typical child of the 1970s, raised in an atmosphere of what my parents called 'benign neglect'. There is no benign in neglect, however common it was in those days. I never had the right clothes - no warm coat or gloves in winter, no shoes that fitted, intyo my teens never a haircut or pocket money or fashionable clothes even though we had money. they never knew where I, or cared. I remember coming home from a bikers' all night party on a school night when I was about 15, and almost hoping I'd get into trouble but my mum just said, 'Hi do you want some breakfast?' (she was very good at feeding us!)

As a result I was an absolute helicopter parent to my DC. I never wanted them to have a moment where they weren't 100% certain they were loved and noticed, where every need was met. I totally evaporated myself into being a mum and then when they left it felt like there was almost no one there. Luckily I have a very interesting and demanding (but part-time) job and have a shred of non-parent identity from that. But nothing much else. I keep fit, but have no other hobbies. I am not massively enthusiastic about socialising all the time. I'd love to have a passion for some craft or other. A friend of mine has become an artist and makes the most stunning prints which she sells online for good money. Another friend is deeply committed to social and ecological causes. And has fought hard to change some laws, with success. Another friend makes her own clothes - stunning shirts and knitted sweaters. Another has become a photographer, specialising in a specific kind of image and is starting to attract attention for her work. And all four of them (unconnected to each other) have also written and published books!

I want to want to do these things. But I don't want them enough right now to actually get started. I pootle along, enjoying my job, seeing friends sometimes, going for walks, going to shows with DH or on holiday with him. But I really want something to fire me up again. Some passionate interest that feels like life's purpose, in the way that raising children was.

My own parents always put their own passions before their kids. They were both highly creative and very sociable, and political. We were just extras, never centre stage. I think there has to be a balance between their extreme and the one I took.

I think what makes it worse is they leave when they have just becoming lovely people after the tumultuous teenage years!

When you absolutely insist on it happening then yes, it can become suffocating and can turn what's meant to be fun into a sense of duty that you dread.

I love my mum and spend plenty of time with her but I would absolutely hate it if it became some kind of obligation that I was never allowed to say "no" to.

Wish I'd realised this when I made life changing decisions when they were growing up.