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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

18y old daughter hits me

181 replies

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:19

I have a recently turned 18y old daughter who has suffered from some sort of mental health since 12. No proper diagnosis through NHS just countless referrals to CAMHS and after 6 weeks with them no diagnosis or follow on treatment. She is prone to depressive episodes and in the last 2 years violent physical outbursts towards me. She is verbally abusive to other family members but not violent.
I am a single parent and she mostly refuses to spend time with her dad because he has a new partner, he does try.
The last year her violent behaviour towards me has increased, she screams at me and calls me names, she slaps me, kicks and punches me. Mostly I restrain her or am able to leave the room. Occasionally I have hit back.
I don't know what to do anymore NHS is no help in trying to get her diagnosed.
I love her but can't live like this anymore,.calling the police is not an option as they would nothing or worse arrest her and she still won't get the mental help she needs. Any advice?

OP posts:

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/08/2024 08:24

Probably not mental health just abusive. She may have depression but this is separate to the abuse. Stop making excuses for her. Look up positive behavioural management. You are being abused.

Octavia64 · 04/08/2024 08:33

Aim to leave the room if possible.

The training that teachers and educational professionals do to deal with violence is called positive handling but I don't think it s available to parents any more.

You may find it helpful to start attending a martial arts class to learn some self defence - not so you can hit back but so you can learn to anticipate when she is likely to be violent and how to block her hits.

Camhs are not always helpful if the child/teen will not engage. What sort of mental health problems are we talking? Eating disorder, neurodiversity, self harm? You need support and if you have the money it is worth considering private.

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:34

I think I am so scared to do the wrong thing as she has threatened suicide and self harms. Deep down I know it's abusive behaviour, will lookup what you suggested

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NoahVale · 04/08/2024 08:36

if she is 18 will she still under camhs.?
adult mental health team might be a good place to research

socks1107 · 04/08/2024 08:36

Sounds like my sd. It's abusive and I'd seriously consider calling the police. Mental health is not an excuse to hit someone

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:38

There is self harm, we went for a private diagnosis and they said depression and panic disorder and were referred to CAMHS. I am physically strong and mostly able to restrain her but she is older and getting stronger.
She goes out with friends and is able to enjoy herself. It happens when she is not seeing her friends and is asked to do something in the house eg. Clear away your dishes.
At 12 she did have an eating disorder but that is OK now

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bergamotorange · 04/08/2024 08:39

There are charities that support people in your situation. I think you need urgent advice from people who understand and have knowledge.

I don't think you should rule out calling the police. You can't live with someone who is violent towards you, it is dangerous for you and also if it continues like this they are not getting the help they need

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:40

Have reached out to them and she will be getting an appointment. The length of time the whole thing takes is frustrating as they are in such demand.

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isthesolution · 04/08/2024 08:41

I think a clear conversation of you explaining you will no longer tolerate physical violence. What she is doing is abuse and this is where it stops. If it continues there will be consequences to those actions.

I'm guessing she's not hitting anyone else, just you? So she has control over these actions. If she hits someone else she's going to end up getting arrested - the behaviour needs to stop.

Where does she get money from? Who pays her phone bill?

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:42

Agree and have said that to her. I feel awful for even talking about it, I am so ashamed and love her so much.

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Louisetopaz21 · 04/08/2024 08:43

Calling the police might be the only thing that will make her think it isn't acceptable. There are consequences to behaviour and I have been here so speaking from experience.

Fraaahnces · 04/08/2024 08:45

I am going to get tough on you. You HAVE to call the police or she may end up killing you, Love. You need to have her charged as an adult and removed from your home. I assume you have other/younger kids? Who would have them if she kills you? You can’t have them thinking that this is okay. It is only when she is out of your home that you and your other kids will be able to get the help you need. (You all need a lot of counselling… this isn’t normal and it’s not something you need to suffer in silence.)

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:45

She has tried to hit her brother but thought twice. She only hits me but can be verbal with grandparents and her dad.
Her dad pays her phonebill and I give her a weekly allowance. I have stopped it a couple of times and she self harms and begs she needs to go out and get away. I give in as feel sorry for her and to be honest it means a break. I can see how that would encourage her to act up to get her own way.

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Octavia64 · 04/08/2024 08:45

Eating disorder, self harm and panic disorder are serious mh problems.

Does she have a therapist?

With panic disorder the gp/Camhs should be prescribing her drugs to help - possibly diazepam or propranolol?

Did anything happen to trigger these?

socks1107 · 04/08/2024 08:47

Hitting you because you've asked her to do something is abusive. I know you love her but she's not very nice.

My sd does the same, threatens to do things to herself, I've long suspected she hits her mum and won't talk to dad. She didn't do it in our house probably because there was two of us to stand up against.
Does she work or study at all?

Jossse · 04/08/2024 08:47

I'm sure I will be shouted down for this. But your daughter sounds like she's manipulating and bullying you. You do need to call the police as this behaviour from her is not acceptable. She is an adult now and will become stronger than you. Violence is not acceptable in our society. You need to set the bar.

Coffeesnob11 · 04/08/2024 08:49

I would contact one of the domestic abuse charities for advice. Everyone assumes DA is only oartner but it is anyone you live with. She is abusing you. I can't imagine how difficult it is to have a child you love so much hurt you. I hope you can get some help.

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:50

I have an older son who lives with us, he often has to intervene. I am trying to get her to stay with her dad for a while to see if it helps. It's a very hard thing to call the police on your own child, I want her to be happy and move on to have a good life. As she only hits me I feel it is pent up aggression and blame towards me for divorcing her dad.

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CeruleanDive · 04/08/2024 08:50

calling the police is not an option as they would nothing or worse arrest her and she still won't get the mental help she needs. Any advice?

I think you need to reconsider this. I have definitely seen police involve other agencies that can help. Totally dismissing it as an option doesn't seem a helpful approach.

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:51

Thank you I will reach out to them

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:52

I know what you mean, I worry about her future and having some sort of police record.

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NoahVale · 04/08/2024 08:54

will she stay with her dad op?

CeruleanDive · 04/08/2024 08:54

Perhaps ring the police non-emergency number and ask for advice? Ask how it would be dealt with. Explain your concerns.

MabelLeaf · 04/08/2024 08:55

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:52

I know what you mean, I worry about her future and having some sort of police record.

What about you though? Who is looking out for you?

You can't live with someone who is abusive. Even if she didn't have somewhere else to go - which she does,

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:55

My son has said the same, it is very manipulative behaviour and bullying. Plus some underlying mental health issues and me never following through with any consequences.
It is so hard to come to terms with your own child doing this

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