18y old daughter hits me

[LOUKAP]

I have a recently turned 18y old daughter who has suffered from some sort of mental health since 12. No proper diagnosis through NHS just countless referrals to CAMHS and after 6 weeks with them no diagnosis or follow on treatment. She is prone to depressive episodes and in the last 2 years violent physical outbursts towards me. She is verbally abusive to other family members but not violent.
I am a single parent and she mostly refuses to spend time with her dad because he has a new partner, he does try.
The last year her violent behaviour towards me has increased, she screams at me and calls me names, she slaps me, kicks and punches me. Mostly I restrain her or am able to leave the room. Occasionally I have hit back.
I don't know what to do anymore NHS is no help in trying to get her diagnosed.
I love her but can't live like this anymore,.calling the police is not an option as they would nothing or worse arrest her and she still won't get the mental help she needs. Any advice?

You are right it has had such an impact on my son that he worries about me all the time and checks in with me when he goes out. Not fair on my parents either as they see less of me now as can't take her with as she kicks off when they say something she doesn't like

Stop the allowance. That would provide some motivation.

I tried before but didn't stick with it. I work from home half the week and when I stopped the allowance she kicked off, preventing me from working so I gave in. Itnis consistency I lack. Need to be stronger and follow through

I think if she threatens to kill herself, then you have to call her bluff. Call an ambulance. She will be taken to hospital for a MH assessment and she will know that you will take her threats seriously and she will stop holding this over your head. She will also hopefully get the help she needs.

Definitely call her bluff. Suicide threats in many cases are just emotional blackmail.

She's probably autistic. Focus on this in terms of getting a diagnosis.

You should not have to live with physical abuse. However your daughter clearly needs support that is appropriate to her.

Difficult as a parent as there is that slight chance so you never want to take that risk

That is interesting I didn't realise that. It would definitely be a shock

I definitely think by me taking this behaviour she will see it as acceptable to do it one day to someone else

I think you need to tell her now that the next time she lays a hand on you you will be calling the police. No it's, no buts. Think hard about what you are going to say and speak to her in a calm moment when things are relatively ok in the household.

You have to reconcile yourself to this as well before you have this conversation, and you must have complete certainty that you will do this, and convey that complete certainty to her.

And then you absolutely need to follow through on that.

It sounds like she is capable of moderating her violence...eg. she's not hit her brother although she's looked like she might, she's not going around hitting others by the sounds of it. If she is capable of appreciating that there will be a real consequence to her actions she might pull back. And if she doesn't, you call the police.

There are obviously lots of other areas to work on, mental health wise, but I would use this as a start with her abuse towards you.

Separately though I think there is an issue in society if people can be routinely abusive and not get a conviction.

I am doubtful of what you say simply because I think a system that allows people to be excused conviction when's it clear they intended to cause at least common assault on the basis of a potential mental health diagnoses which probably doesn't go as far as saying the person actually doesn't have mental capacity.

She is using it as an excuse. New partner couldn't be more supportive.

Taking the MH out of it its called abuse.
We would not take it from a partner or husband so why are we to take it from our own child/children.

I wonder this.

l grew up in a house where my sister was very violent. She hit me so often l refused anymore contact.

She continued to hit dm until she was in her 80’s.

DS was eventually sectioned. Dm spent all her elderly life terrified of her but loved her too.

It was terrible. Please call the police.

It does sound like ND.

Probably because they are our children and we would do anything for them. I can leave a man but harder to leave your child

Lots of cuts on arms and legs, some have scarred

A neighbour calls the police when her physically abusive daughter starts. And they turn up. It's the shock value. Her daughter is only 16. At 18 I would be telling her to get her own place. Housemates won't be an option.

Social services don't provide housing. That's the local council's responsibility and the OP would need to write an eviction letter to prove that her daughter would be made homeless before the council would take responsibility.

She went to GP and they told her to self refer to adults mental health and gave her a number, she called and has an appointment (that took 6 weeks to come through). She wants a magic bullet that will take all of this away and explaining you have to participate and no one else can do it for you doesn't land.
I agree re the money as it is rewarding the behaviour

As she only hits me I feel it is pent up aggression and blame towards me for divorcing her dad.

It seems like you are carrying a lot of guilt but 42% marriages end in divorce and children do cope, my parents divorced and I did not blame them.

It sounds like you are not doing her any favours as she is learning that this sort of behaviour is accceptable and it will affect her future relationships, she might end up with charges for assault in future relationships.

This has to be dealt with more seriously, you need to remove her and let her go and live with her dad if it happens again, whether she likes it or not.

This. And stick to it.

a diagnosis would take years and years
the situation needs change now

You mention that she may be neurodiverse. My son is autistic and has another diagnosis that makes him prone to temper - he also self harms. Hitting out at people has always been the bottom line for us with consequences - so it doesn't happen - he has learnt coping behaviours like taking himself out of the situation, going for a walk. We have lots of issues but this isn't one of them. So speaking as someone who lives with problems but no hitting. You are making excuses for her, she is unhappy, angry but she is bullying you and getting away with it.

Am sorry but this is abuse, you need to phone the police. You are doing loads more damage letting her think she can get away with being aggressive. This behaviour doesn't sound like its entirely
related to MH tbh.....she sounds mean and horrible and tbh I wouldn't have her around any children at all

This is correct - if you have made a referral to adult social care for housing then it won't go anywhere, the only housing provided by social services is residential/supported living type accommodation.

But, as a social worker in an adults safeguarding team I work with people in your situation very regularly, usually after referrals from the police or from the ambulance service. If you are in England or Wales and see yourself as a carer for her (and it sounds to me like you are) then the local authority has a duty to make s.42 safeguarding enquiries for you of they have reason to believe you are being abused as a result of your caring role

They can support you to liase with other services like Mental Health, Housing, police etc to support you to be safer.

Police I'm afraid are key in this - yes she will get 'a record' but it can also be the catalyst for other agencies to be involved.

In a very similar situation to the one you describe that I was involved in recently the Safeguarding multi-disciplinary team worked together on a range of different actions - police put a Domestic Violence prevention order in place that meant there could be no contact for 28 days which broke the cycle and gave everyone breathing space to consider options. The 'child' in their late teens/early 20s was provided by housing with a supported tenancy with strict conditions around behaviour, adult social care provided support for them to manage their home and to access mental health services. The local domestic violence prevention services offered courses/counselling around their abusive behaviour.

The parent was offered support through domestic violence services, adult social care safeguarding team and victim support and with the back up and support from professionals was able to accept that in trying to keep their child 'safe' they were putting themselves at significant risk of harm.

I am in no doubt that had we not been involved that the parent in that situation would have been seriously harmed at some point by their adult child.