Page 5 | 18y old daughter hits me

LOUKAP · 2024-08-04T07:19:55+00:00

I have a recently turned 18y old daughter who has suffered from some sort of mental health since 12. No proper diagnosis through NHS just countless referrals to CAMHS and after 6 weeks with them no diagnosis or follow on treatment. She is prone to depressive episodes and in the last 2 years violent physical outbursts towards me. She is verbally abusive to other family members but not violent. I am a single parent and she mostly refuses to spend time with her dad because he has a new partner, he does try. The last year her violent behaviour towards me has increased, she screams at me and calls me names, she slaps me, kicks and punches me. Mostly I restrain her or am able to leave the room. Occasionally I have hit back. I don't know what to do anymore NHS is no help in trying to get her diagnosed. I love her but can't live like this anymore,.calling the police is not an option as they would nothing or worse arrest her and she still won't get the mental help she needs. Any advice?

Getonwitit · 04/08/2024 11:29

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:50

I have an older son who lives with us, he often has to intervene. I am trying to get her to stay with her dad for a while to see if it helps. It's a very hard thing to call the police on your own child, I want her to be happy and move on to have a good life. As she only hits me I feel it is pent up aggression and blame towards me for divorcing her dad.

Yes it is hard but it has to be done. She is aware of what she is doing and knows you will put up with it forever. Call the police every single time. Tell her you will take her to the council with a letter saying she can no longer stay in you home. That may just shock her.
You have no choice but to act before she really harms you. Who knows how far she will go, will it be a kitchen knife she uses next time ? This is as serious as it gets.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2024 11:41

She only hits you because she feels safe with you. Pent up aggression or not.

ForKeenDeer · 04/08/2024 11:57

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:45

She has tried to hit her brother but thought twice. She only hits me but can be verbal with grandparents and her dad.
Her dad pays her phonebill and I give her a weekly allowance. I have stopped it a couple of times and she self harms and begs she needs to go out and get away. I give in as feel sorry for her and to be honest it means a break. I can see how that would encourage her to act up to get her own way.

I'd call the police. I don't think any diagnosis would help the behaviour. It's just abusive.

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 12:13

inthekiddle · 04/08/2024 10:47

She's probably autistic. Focus on this in terms of getting a diagnosis.

You should not have to live with physical abuse. However your daughter clearly needs support that is appropriate to her.

I had asked them before to check and they said she is not displaying those symptoms but no proper check

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 12:15

It will escalate and you are rigjt next time could be kitchen knife.

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 12:19

suggestionsplease1 · 04/08/2024 10:52

I think you need to tell her now that the next time she lays a hand on you you will be calling the police. No it's, no buts. Think hard about what you are going to say and speak to her in a calm moment when things are relatively ok in the household.

You have to reconcile yourself to this as well before you have this conversation, and you must have complete certainty that you will do this, and convey that complete certainty to her.

And then you absolutely need to follow through on that.

It sounds like she is capable of moderating her violence...eg. she's not hit her brother although she's looked like she might, she's not going around hitting others by the sounds of it. If she is capable of appreciating that there will be a real consequence to her actions she might pull back. And if she doesn't, you call the police.

There are obviously lots of other areas to work on, mental health wise, but I would use this as a start with her abuse towards you.

She definitely can moderate the hitting as she knows hitting someone else has consequences

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TheShellBeach · 04/08/2024 12:23

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 08:52

I know what you mean, I worry about her future and having some sort of police record.

Can you quote people when you're replying, please?
Thank you.

cupcaske123 · 04/08/2024 12:25

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 12:19

She definitely can moderate the hitting as she knows hitting someone else has consequences

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You're going in a continual loop here. You're afraid to do anything about her behaviour because she self harms and threatens to kill herself. Up till now, these are just threats. If you think she'll kill herself then call emergency services.

Meanwhile insist she goes to her dad's. She's not violent with him and it's likely her behaviour will improve as he probably won't tolerate it. What you're doing isn't working and things will continue as they are so it's time to implement change.

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 13:24

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2024 10:54

I wonder this.

l grew up in a house where my sister was very violent. She hit me so often l refused anymore contact.

She continued to hit dm until she was in her 80’s.

DS was eventually sectioned. Dm spent all her elderly life terrified of her but loved her too.

It was terrible. Please call the police.

It does sound like ND.

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That is so sad to hear, such a hard thing to deal with when it is your child.

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 13:27

cupcaske123 · 04/08/2024 12:25

You're going in a continual loop here. You're afraid to do anything about her behaviour because she self harms and threatens to kill herself. Up till now, these are just threats. If you think she'll kill herself then call emergency services.

Meanwhile insist she goes to her dad's. She's not violent with him and it's likely her behaviour will improve as he probably won't tolerate it. What you're doing isn't working and things will continue as they are so it's time to implement change.

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Agree and today making plans for that to happen. We need to break the cycle. Thank you for your advice

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 13:31

MabelLeaf · 04/08/2024 09:07

What is she doing all day now she's dropped out of college?

Absolutely nothing, up all night as she can't sleep so sleeps all day.

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Louisetopaz21 · 04/08/2024 13:43

What you are doing isn't working. You need to change your boundaries and call the police and have her charged when she is violent. It is difficult but I will change her behaviour as you are letting her get away with it and enabling her behaviour. You need to make a change, and don't let her hold the threat of self harm to get you to do what she wants as she has learnt she can manipulate you

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 13:43

Iamonsocialmediatoomuch · 04/08/2024 11:04

As she only hits me I feel it is pent up aggression and blame towards me for divorcing her dad.

It seems like you are carrying a lot of guilt but 42% marriages end in divorce and children do cope, my parents divorced and I did not blame them.

It sounds like you are not doing her any favours as she is learning that this sort of behaviour is accceptable and it will affect her future relationships, she might end up with charges for assault in future relationships.

This has to be dealt with more seriously, you need to remove her and let her go and live with her dad if it happens again, whether she likes it or not.

I agree I am probably enabling her or she is learning that in order to get her own way manipulates me or plays on the guilt. I have to get stronger and the break will help

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 13:45

Louisetopaz21 · 04/08/2024 13:43

What you are doing isn't working. You need to change your boundaries and call the police and have her charged when she is violent. It is difficult but I will change her behaviour as you are letting her get away with it and enabling her behaviour. You need to make a change, and don't let her hold the threat of self harm to get you to do what she wants as she has learnt she can manipulate you

Yes definitely a learnt behaviour which I have allowed. She is so sad and all I want to do is make her happy but can see now how that has worsened the situation.

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2chocolateoranges · 04/08/2024 13:50

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2024 11:41

She only hits you because she feels safe with you. Pent up aggression or not.

Is that why some men/ women are abusive to their partners because they feel safe with them? What a load of crap.

they are aggressive , including ops daughter due to being controlling and Manipulative.

you wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone else don’t tolerate it from your daughter.

Londongirl8922 · 04/08/2024 13:54

I'm sorry but she's an adult she shouldn't be hitting you..it's abuse and she knows it....you shouldn't even be giving her allowance she's 18 she's old enough to go and find a job...you need to call the police when she hits you..doesn't just because she's got mental health doesn't give her the right abuse you...sounds like she's jealous of her dads new partner that she just wants her dad back with you and no one else...if his partner is lovely and supportive then it isn't nice of your daughter to behave in such a way...she as a lot of growing up to do

Gcsunnyside23 · 04/08/2024 14:15

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 13:45

Yes definitely a learnt behaviour which I have allowed. She is so sad and all I want to do is make her happy but can see now how that has worsened the situation.

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You need to break the cycle now op. This isn't fair on you or her brother. You won't phone the police or do anything to discourage the behaviour, have you told the doctor she is physically hurting and emotionally manipulative of situations? They might reconsider medication then. Please realise that you are also putting your son in the position that if he has to try to restrain her she could get hurt and call police on him also and he also can't leave the house without always being in contact just incase. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but just want you to look past one child and see what her behaviour is costing your other child. I know they are adults now but still all live at home, involved and suffering at her behaviour and your enablement. It's time to get the police involved or she needs to leave

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 14:23

Gcsunnyside23 · 04/08/2024 14:15

You need to break the cycle now op. This isn't fair on you or her brother. You won't phone the police or do anything to discourage the behaviour, have you told the doctor she is physically hurting and emotionally manipulative of situations? They might reconsider medication then. Please realise that you are also putting your son in the position that if he has to try to restrain her she could get hurt and call police on him also and he also can't leave the house without always being in contact just incase. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but just want you to look past one child and see what her behaviour is costing your other child. I know they are adults now but still all live at home, involved and suffering at her behaviour and your enablement. It's time to get the police involved or she needs to leave

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I honestly haven't considered then affects on my son being this bad but you are right, he has literally just called me from work to check on me. Not fair what I am doing and sometimes it just needs to be pointed out.
The decision has been made that she will be living with her dad for a while
We will both still be involved with her treatment and I will be telling them about the anger issues.

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2024 14:24

2chocolateoranges · 04/08/2024 13:50

Is that why some men/ women are abusive to their partners because they feel safe with them? What a load of crap.

they are aggressive , including ops daughter due to being controlling and Manipulative.

you wouldn’t tolerate it from anyone else don’t tolerate it from your daughter.

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No it’s not a load of crap.

I lived through it for 40 years.

She only lashed out at home. Because she knew there was no comeback.

Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 14:25

Londongirl8922 · 04/08/2024 13:54

I'm sorry but she's an adult she shouldn't be hitting you..it's abuse and she knows it....you shouldn't even be giving her allowance she's 18 she's old enough to go and find a job...you need to call the police when she hits you..doesn't just because she's got mental health doesn't give her the right abuse you...sounds like she's jealous of her dads new partner that she just wants her dad back with you and no one else...if his partner is lovely and supportive then it isn't nice of your daughter to behave in such a way...she as a lot of growing up to do

Agree, she feels left out or thay no one cares about her but it is the exact opposite. She has a lot of people around her who care.

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 14:26

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/08/2024 14:24

No it’s not a load of crap.

I lived through it for 40 years.

She only lashed out at home. Because she knew there was no comeback.

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Agree there has been no consequences as I have failed to.follow through which has normalised it.

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Original poster

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 14:28

TheShellBeach · 04/08/2024 12:23

Can you quote people when you're replying, please?
Thank you.

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Took me a while to figure it out, got it now

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Gcsunnyside23 · 04/08/2024 14:45

LOUKAP · 04/08/2024 14:23

I honestly haven't considered then affects on my son being this bad but you are right, he has literally just called me from work to check on me. Not fair what I am doing and sometimes it just needs to be pointed out.
The decision has been made that she will be living with her dad for a while
We will both still be involved with her treatment and I will be telling them about the anger issues.

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I hope I haven't made you feel bad as that wasn't my intention, you're just trying to be a good mother but I've seen other families where the other children are side lined unintentionally and noone notices the impact on them as they don't want to add to the worries of everyone. I'm really glad you have moved to action on a tough decision that needed to happen as escalation of the situation is imminent I would fear. It's definitely the best for you and your son. Talk to your ex husband, his new partner and your son first and possibly phone the non emergency police line first for advice as your daughter will not react well but you all need to be aligned and firmly on the same page of what's to happen next

inthekiddle · 04/08/2024 15:13

@LOUKAP if she has panic disorder, eating disorder, emotional and behavioural dysregulation then that's a lot of the criteria covered already. Trouble leaving the house? Difficulty sleeping? Sensory sensitivity?

Honestly I have worked in this field 20 years. She sounds autistic. I'd bet on it, I hope you find some help.

Thepurplecar · 04/08/2024 15:39

OP, sorry I haven't read the whole thread. How is your communication when she isn't being violent? Has she any insight into why she's behaving like this? How it's affecting you? The damage it's doing both of you?

Have you tried family mediation? This may help her gain the perspective to change.