18y old daughter hits me

[LOUKAP]

I have a recently turned 18y old daughter who has suffered from some sort of mental health since 12. No proper diagnosis through NHS just countless referrals to CAMHS and after 6 weeks with them no diagnosis or follow on treatment. She is prone to depressive episodes and in the last 2 years violent physical outbursts towards me. She is verbally abusive to other family members but not violent.
I am a single parent and she mostly refuses to spend time with her dad because he has a new partner, he does try.
The last year her violent behaviour towards me has increased, she screams at me and calls me names, she slaps me, kicks and punches me. Mostly I restrain her or am able to leave the room. Occasionally I have hit back.
I don't know what to do anymore NHS is no help in trying to get her diagnosed.
I love her but can't live like this anymore,.calling the police is not an option as they would nothing or worse arrest her and she still won't get the mental help she needs. Any advice?

She is mostly distant, on her phone, in her room or out with friends. She does on occasion have a conversation but it can end abruptly if she thinks I have said the wrong thing.
Sometimes she cries and says there is something wrong and she needs help and she's sorry. We then try to see GP or get help.
We did have one session with a therapist and after that session she was angry and thought I was ganging up against her.
CAMHS also had a session with us both and told me to restrict her use of social media and phone after certain time of night. I had tried previously bit ended in a scuffle. Following that session with CAMHS she didn't want to go back as she saw it as trying to.control her.

This. It's ridiculous. These friends she goes out with, does she regularly assault them? Members of the general public? Unlikely as doubt she'd get to guilt them into doing nothing!

Thank you no offense taken, your kind words and advise are very helpful

No very calm with friends and generally a very shy person

No trouble leaving the house, goes out regularly, not much sensory sensitivity but some noises like.chewing aggrevate her

OP many have said on here your Daughter maybe Autistic and she may well be but if she is then that maybe be the reason for her behaviour but not the excuse. Don't allow her to batter you. Just remember dead is dead no matter wether the person that killed you is autistic or not.

You have my sympathy. My daughter used to batter me regularly until nearly two years ago now. I had support from social services and it did help a bit. The last time she hit me was the first day of secondary when she punched me in the face.

She has a diagnosis of adhd and asd. The asd is mostly a complete lack of empathy.

i have told her if she hits me I will call the police. She has been told that by those supporting her too. She still gets up in my face sometimes and is verbally awful to me. It’s very tough to live with. Is she worse when she’s menstrual?

Definitely call police. It so goes against the norm, but it's the only thing that preserved my life(not overly dramatic) when my v strong son used to hit and thump me. He pulled a knife and I was so scared! But police came and locked him in cell for period of time which made him realise that stuff was serious. He's not been nearly so bad since.

Yes worse when she is menstrual they put her on the pill which helped somewhat. She does lack empathy bit has it for her friends in bucket loads.
Was your daughter afraid you would call police?

That must have been so traumatic for you. You just can't believe it is happening
Has he tried to hit you since? And did you ever get to the.bottom of why he acted like that.

My daughter was originally worried I would call police yes. She broke my finger a few years ago- literally twisted it when I was holding her hand. It was a nightmare getting her to let me go to hospital because she was worried they would arrest her. This was during Covid so it was difficult to get help from anyone else.

i think these days she doesn’t feel that scared of being put in prison. But she will tell me I am an awful mother and who would call the police on their own kid.

Please seek help for yourself. I was classified as living with domestic abuse and I still struggle with ptsd at times. I got help from a local organisation for parent carers. I needed to acknowledge how I felt and realise I am doing my best. I don’t seem to feature to her as a person with feelings and yet yes, she’s concerned about her friendship group.

Is her dad around? I am on my own with my daughter most of the time and that’s not helpful.

Why don’t you all exercise your right to self defence? Your daughters are bullies. You wouldn’t tolerate or excuse this from a son/man.

Unless you have been through it nobody properly understands. My daughter was 15 when she started attacking me physically and she would try and manipulate me saying if I didn't buy her a vape she would tell the police I had beaten her up. I was in bits but I thought I am not having her control me and I called the police and reported it. They came to my house and asked to see the bruise and dd said she was making it up. She was arrested so many times for hurting me and went tp court. This is why I advice you to call the police and get services involved. I didn't have a great experience as I was parent blamed etc but what really helped me was building up my resilience, having boundaries in place being consistent and calling the police. She is 19 now and things are good, she doesn't swear at me and she is a nicer person. It was hell but things do get better.

My daughter was originally worried I would call police yes. She broke my finger a few years ago- literally twisted it when I was holding her hand. It was a nightmare getting her to let me go to hospital because she was worried they would arrest her.
So not worried about you? Just herself?!

I second that I believe strongly that your daughter is Autistic and/or ADHD. I believe it's essential that people are assessed and diagnosed for all sorts of reasons. I appreciate it won't help you right now though. Have you ever suggested it to your daughter. I wonder what she'd say.

If your daughter went through with her threats, would it be your fault? No, never in a million years would it be. It's dangerous that you are being held to ransom by her.

What more can you do than you're already doing. If she knew she was Autistic, would that change things for her and how she feels? That's worth considering. The issue may be she doesn't want to hear it or engage. You'd likely need to go private and pay - we had to. Just knowing and understanding is so important to these young people.

As for the abuse. Who is going to put up with that in the outside world? No one. I would in this position call the police. But I'd want to have that diagnosis first because this needs to be taken into account if she's getting carted off by Police. If my son hurt me like that, I would call the Police and I mean that. I get the sense she's intelligent as she knows how to manipulate with the suicide threats and knowing her dad will discipline her in a way she won't like.

It's awful for you but you're not helping her by letting her hit you with no serious consequence.

This isn't your fault. There's definitely something going on here that's beyond you. ( Neurodivergence) and other co morbidities possibly.

I don’t think you can understand unless it is happening to you. I think people are horrified when they find out or see a kid physically hurting their mother but I have a horror of hurting my daughter. And yes she used it against me if I defended myself. I have hit back a few times cos I am human. But realistically it doesn’t help or make me feel better.

LOUKAP - I hope you are ok and don’t suffer in silence. There’s no shame in not being able to cope alone. I went to a course run by local early help team and it was just incredible to meet others living this. I have read thread more now. My daughter would never hit her dad. She’s with him on holiday right now. It’s good for me to have a break. And maybe a break would help you. But you need to tell people or she has all the power. It’s emotional abuse. You feel ashamed and worried people will blame you somehow but honestly she’s lashing out at you because she can. She can’t regulate her feelings or her anger for some reason and you’re just there trying to be normal and get on with life. That means you’re in the way. You can’t live on eggshells forever. PM me if you like.

I am divorced from her dad, he tries to be involved but she get resentful and won't stay overbatnhis house. So single parent at this point. I don't think this would have happened if I had a partner.
Like.yours mine can't recognise that she has hurt me or that I am even human let alone her mom.

I am.sorry to hear that you are suffering with ptsd it is so sad.

Thank you for your words, I feel the same the fear I will hurt or retaliate. I am still stronger than her for now and can defend myself, there will.come a time though that won't be the case
Telling.my family has helped and this post today has. I will look.for a local group.

Thank you! I don’t think my daughter would have done this if we had stayed together as she’s scared of her dad. He cheated on me and she was very small when we split so I am not really sure she remembers us together. Contact social services and look for local carers groups. I have had a lot of support and learned to navigate my own feelings.

it will get easier. It’s not your fault. Talking about it helps build resilience and understanding that you need to pick your battles. Just get out of the way when you see it on the horizon and don’t blame yourself.

She herself considered borderline personality disorder. Other diagnosis said depression and panic disorder. I am hoping now she's over 18 it will be easier to try tonget a diagnosis
It would probably help in learning how to interact with her.

Wow that must've been so difficult to go through especially trying to deal with the parent blaming. I have had that a bit from my family as they found it hard initially to understand. I am.glad there is hope and things are better for you and her.

I am definitely learning about building resilience

It is hard to comprehend that the child you gave birth to and love with all your heart could want to hurt you. So you take it and try to deal with it.and sometimes that makes it worse.
We have had had full on scraps when I have defended myself and it made no difference. There has to be help and diagnosis as well as consequences which I am learning to do.

No doesn't hurt her friends, I am.guessing she doesn't because there would be consequences or they are not in a position of authority.

People tell me I am very open and matter of fact about it but what else can I do? I have even been asked if I would like to run the courses for other parents. I am still in the trenches though and I know I need to keep myself sane. You need to find space for yourself and get out the way. Don’t get drawn in. Easy to say I know but it’s very good to not rise to the bait, however upsetting things are.

a diagnosis helps a bit but I am sometimes sick of her telling me- what do you expect, I’m asd? Does this excuse lying, threats and violence? It might explain it but it doesn’t change how wrong it is.