18y old daughter hits me

[LOUKAP]

I have a recently turned 18y old daughter who has suffered from some sort of mental health since 12. No proper diagnosis through NHS just countless referrals to CAMHS and after 6 weeks with them no diagnosis or follow on treatment. She is prone to depressive episodes and in the last 2 years violent physical outbursts towards me. She is verbally abusive to other family members but not violent.
I am a single parent and she mostly refuses to spend time with her dad because he has a new partner, he does try.
The last year her violent behaviour towards me has increased, she screams at me and calls me names, she slaps me, kicks and punches me. Mostly I restrain her or am able to leave the room. Occasionally I have hit back.
I don't know what to do anymore NHS is no help in trying to get her diagnosed.
I love her but can't live like this anymore,.calling the police is not an option as they would nothing or worse arrest her and she still won't get the mental help she needs. Any advice?

Then put the consequences in place.

Sit together when she’s calm and write a list of unacceptable behaviours and then the consequence. Then both sign it.

Make a copy and send it to her so she can reread.

If she hits you, kicks bites etc - then she leaves to live with her dad, or find her own place.

Threats of suicide are good, @LOUKAP—
Talking is not doing.
The people I know who killed themselves didn’t say a word - they just did it.
I’m thinking the people who threaten are doing just that - threatening. And acting out.
The people who are serious will never tell you because they don’t want anyone to stop them.
It makes a perverse sort of sense.
Would melatonin help her sleep? There are other over-the-counter sleep aids, but I don’t think they’re very effective.
There’s a prescription medication called “Sonata,” or Zaleplon is the generic. It’s excellent for sleep and is not habit-forming. I don’t think I’d recommend your daughter having it in her possession, but I can vouch for its daily effectiveness. You could keep it locked away somewhere safe I suppose. I don’t know how safe keeping prescriptions like that would be in your house - just a thought.
You could ask your GP about it, anyhow.
I’m truly sorry you’re going through all this - I hope it gets better real soon. ❤️

I’m sorry but this advice about suicide is incorrect. Please never assume that talking about it = empty threats. Unfortunately, I have personal experience of this within my close family.

Any Suicide prevention site you care to read says that suicidal people DO talk about taking their own life sometimes, or they talk about wanting to end it, or how they wish they could go to sleep and never wake up.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/myths-about-suicide/

And Zaleplon absolutely does risk dependency, @DreamTheMoors.

www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-17524/zaleplon-oral/details

She needs help.

Doctors are often reluctant to prescribe drugs like sertraline first under 18s as they are correct, it can make suicidal ideation worse.

However if she had an ed age 12 and has had depression and been self harming regularly and has panic disorder then there are a number of options:

The drugs for panic disorder do not carry the same risks. She could be prescribed something like diazepam or propranolol which she could take in situations where she feels panic.

This will almost certainly help with the violence as it is likely that the violence is a response to her panic disorder.

She is now over 18 and while some teenagers do seem to move past episodes of depression and self harm others do not and it sounds like she has not.

She would therefore be a good candidate for medication and honestly I'm surprised the GP hasn't offered it.

Op you and some others have asked about why some people who are neurodivergent sometimes hit or argue. I don’t claim to be an expert but I have a late diagnosed young adult dd with ASD who didn’t hit but could be quite confrontational.

Sometimes for sure anger would flare in response to being asked to do something she didn’t want to do. So there was an element of demand avoidance in there that has improved massively now.

But there were also plenty of occasions where she would be perfectly calm and distant, reading a book for hours in her room for example, but then she would almost seek me out to almost try and provoke an argument for no reason. It seemed like that anyway.

I was told that depression and anxiety can be co-morbiidities with ASD and ADD and in that case, to relieve depression, some ND teens try to relieve their low mood through getting a dopamine hit by arguing.

I don’t know if that sort of behaviour rings a bell with you?

Btw, many girls with ASD get misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder and other mh conditions but one of quite a few deciding factors in making the diagnosis is sensory issues. Again, I am no expert, this is just what I learned when we went through my dd’s diagnosis.

Does your dd have any sensory issues op? Any issues with eating as a young child? Finding busy places too bright, loud? Reactions to smells? Did she spin as a child or love very soft blankets for example? The signs can be subtle. My dd couldn’t stand her school shirt collar or tight waistbands and had many food issues such as ARFID for example.

Finally, I just wanted to say op that my dd responded well to ADs . I didn’t want her to take them at eighteen and some people with ASD do not respond well to them but they worked very well in her case. She was prescribed them by a very knowledgeable psychiatrist who had experience in this area.

And she also has got a lot calmer just by passing through the teenage years and maturing. So there is hope and I hope you find good support for your dd and for yourself op as you must be under intense continual stress and these things take their toll.

🌻🌻🌻

Hi OP, clearly you are in the really bad place, there is some excellent advice on this thread from people who have lived experience.
I work with very difficult young people, a couple of things that I have picked up may help.
Firstly cahms staff have emphasised to me that not having boundaries or giving way to young people pushing at them doesn't help. In a nutshell it makes their problems worse not better.
Secondly, some young people behave in extreme ways, even though they are parented and treated by schools in similar ways. Infinite variety of nature and possibly something to do with social media. I have even had police officers tell me some teenagers who are of secondary school age are in adult prisons because the youth versions can't cope with their behaviour. Not that your daughter is like this. This is just to let you know that how your daughter behaves is not your fault. Look at your son, he isn't like her.
I hope you are able to get some strength from this thread. Ultimately at her point in life she needs more independence and leaving home will no doubt help her.

I know what you mean, I get told I am ill I can't help it. Most days I want to get in my car and just drive away as far as possible. I know she is in pain, she begs for help but she also has to want to help herself.

Have you tried not engaging in her tantrums, totally ignoring her, she can’t fight fresh air -

Can you walk away and take your son with you. Just leave the house?

Then send dad over?

Thank you for your advice. She is so mature in some ways and very immature in others. I would say she is immature for an 18 year old. Currently she would be unable to move out. Social media has a massive role to play. The things she comes out with I know come from social media. She is unable to be present and the phone is permanently attached it is a complete addiction. I have tried to remove the phone several times and I can only describe it as a blind rage or hysteria it was awful to see.
CAMHS very much talked about boundaries and did that with both of us in the room. As soon as that was done she threatened to run away or kill herself if I put in all of the restrictions.
Routine and boundaries are what is essential - hard to implement when you are at work for long hours and I am definitely not consistent which adds to the problem.

Your post rings true in so many ways, she can read or be calm and then seeks me out to argue or when she doesn't want to do something. She is easily overwhelmed.
As a child she could be a fussy eater but only after she started school, she hates the sound of chewing to the extreme some days, bright lights are OK, she doesn't like change eg. If plans get changed at last minute she can't cope and kicks off. When she was younger she communicated via her toys or would sing or dance constantly. She is sensitive to smell bit not all the time.
I will look up the things you mentioned and will look into a private diagnosis to fast track. Did you go private just for diagnosis or treatment as well or was it NHS?

I do this occasionally and it does help to difuse the immediate situation.

I have looked up some of things you mention like ADD and ASD and can see some similarities. One particularly mentions shyness and very quiet at school and then very different at home. Throughout school she was always described as shy and in her own world. There is definitely food for thought here.

Me to, as soon as you mention suicidal thoughts it is like a hot potatoes and you are passed to CAMHS immediately. Consistent treatment has been a problem as the treatment can abruptly end at 6 weeks with no follow on. One particular scenario comes to mind when she attended a session and she felt she was starting to get somewhere only to be told it was her last session and here is some homework. She was distraught and couldn't understand why there was no follow on.

Thank you, I agree people.do.talk about it and sometimes follow through o could never not take it seriously

Thanks, we have had to lock away any medication as advised by CAMHS.

Then you need to make sure she has unpleasant consequences for assaulting you.
Call the police.

Lots of good advice just wanted to offer a handhold sounds really tough OP I found joining parenting mental health on fb really helpful even as my kids are older now 💐

Is there anyone who can have a positive influence on her, that she will talk to?

Does she have any periods of remorse where you can actually talk to her?

Does she acknowledge her behaviour, or are you expected to hide the abuse she doles out on you?

She is getting older and has to take a bit more responsibility for her behaviour- generally if you are hitting someone you don’t get to live with them to continue doing that. Particularly if she won’t engage with everyone trying to help her.

I know you want her to be happy, but all the time she has the pleasure of having a punchbag there is no incentive to grow up or get this sorted.

She has her friends and won't talk to any of the adults about this.
She does seem remorseful the next day and will always apologise.
She doesn't always comprehend that she hit me when she has been in a rage
She often thinks I hit her but she hit me, sometimes she thinks you are shouting when you are talking softly bit firm.
She would be devastating if she knee I told anyone outside of the house

I would speak with her dad and explain that you would like to look at private options potentially.

A full ASD assessment and diagnosis is important. You're going to get pointless advice from many professionals and suggestions of BPD or ineffectual parenting! What even is BPD. It's another made up waste basket diagnosis that means nothing. A significantly high number of adult females told BPD actually turned out to be Autistic.

There is no doubt in my mind here on this one; she's Neurodivergent.

If you want access to financial support as she gets older then a diagnosis is important, help and accomodation in a work environment if she is ever able to manage that, access to supported housing potentially, issues in the criminal justice system if she ends up getting arrested or into criminality. For her own understanding and well being, for access to support such as psychiatry potentially.

I can't stress enough how important I believe it is for everyone to know and have that diagnosis. You will also potentially be gaslit to high hell when nothing works anymore and have pointless suggestions such as ' bpd'.

SSRIs can be very difficult to begin the first 6 weeks. I took them in my youth and had diazepam alongside them only for the first 4 weeks to help side effects. Diazepam is dangerously addictive.

You'll wait an eternity on the NHS for assessment for Autism. If your ex can help fund it, that's a start.

The problem will be convincing your daughter. I don't care if she's Autistic, and I say this about my son. You go around hitting people consistently then you'll face the consequences of assault. If she's willing to engage with assessments and trying out new meds that's great and possibly a bargaining took. Eg if you don't engage then I will be calling the Police the next time.

I don't think it's fair you are lumbered with all this alone. I would absolutely need respite via dad. Again, I wouldn't care too much if she doesn't like it. He's getting an easy ride here whilst you get battered? No way. He needs to step it up. Of course she'd be horrified if people knew, so take some responsibility and work with your mum ( assessment, medication etc) and stop being a horrible abuser. I fear that we are really in danger as parents of Autistic/ ADHD kids of excusing violence. Then what have we done when they potentially go off and kill someone.

If she did follow through on her threat, I really believe that's out of your control. I find it incredibly manipulative. I lost a parent this way and there were no threats, it was just done. I know how scary that feels but she knows full well you can be manipulated - even if she is feeling severely depressed.

No excuses. I have endured hell, I've behaved appallingly at times but I have always tried to take responsibility. When you let this crap off the hook, no matter what the cause, you are enabling a dangerous individual.
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Do you have a domestic violence service locally? I think they will be a good support. They are seeing more child to parent abuse so will be able to help.

This makes for interesting reading. Will look at getting a private diagnosis

I really you make some headway @LOUKAP just wanted to add that I although I havent been physically abused by my DD18 I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I feel for you in this hellish situation. My DD also dropped out of college, fell out with friends ( a common occurrence) she now has no routine, no structure, she also has had many opportunities for help but again - wants a 'magic bullet'. Often I'm walking on eggshells because i don't want to say the wrong thing & upset her, but sometimes no matter what I say it's wrong! I feel guilty that she is finding life so difficult. She has ASD & lacks self care & motivation, it's draining. To those saying about turning off wifi, you can set up parental controls of wi-fi routers so certain devices have limited access e.g. teens phones over night. We set up this up due to inappropriate use of phone & on a good day - DD has actually admitted that she was glad we did this! Thinking of you - keep calm & carry on - looking forward to the day when things turn around!

@LOUKAP How are things? Have you been to Vulnerable services/Adult Mental Heath Team, I've been advised to go there - it might help you?
@Hesterschoice8761If you don't mind me asking can you give examples of boundaries that were suggested by CAMHS? Something I'm struggling with.