devastated by son

[CosyPlumHam]

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

I genuinely can’t comprehend this as a 32 year old, I’ve worked full time and lived on my own paying my own way since age 21. Also, this explains why so many guys my age are terrible partners if their parents do everything for them and pander to them.

@CelesteCunningham why do you tho k Liam wax called Paddy then?

Well I wasn't even going to touch that tbh!

"... now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me."

Excellent. Change the barrel on the Yale/similar, £13 well spent. He's being a prick, and 31 is quite old to be finding out what consequences are. I believe the 'modern' phrase is 'fuck about and find out' - well, he's very definitely fucked about; now it's time for him to find out.

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE BACK IN. Seriously, don't. It's actually the kindest thing you can do for him, continuing to be the selfish arsehole he is now its not in his best long-term interests.

https://yalehome.co.uk/1109-replacement-rim-cylinder-polished-brass/

I was with you until I've realised what MN has edited out of your OP. The racist phrase of "throwing a paddy" has NOTHING whatsoever to do with paddy fields. To not own it and apologise, and then make a pathetic "ricest" unfunny joke is NOT ok. If you were unaware of the meaning of/history this phrase, then you'd have been genuinely shocked and apologised for using it, then never used it again. Your reaction means you knew fine well that it's a derogatory thing to say.

As for your son. Don't let him back. If you do relent and let him home, you need to stop doing anything for him. He does his own washing, contributes to the costs of the home, does his own washing up, and helps around the home. If he doesn't, kick him out and change the locks, but I wouldn't let him back in the house.

Never upset the Irish...we're actually decent people and don't deserve the hate/ignorance.

Shall say it AGAIN. I am 60ish and never realised that throwing a Paddy was racist or offensive! Have never connected the expression with Irish people 😳
I lived in Sydney back in the 80s and we went to Paddy’s market…absolutely fine and was mainly run by Chinese people.Genuinely don’t understand the outrage ,as I am sure the OP doesn’t get as well 🤦‍♀️

You didn't know, fine. But you know now. Go have a read up about it, then you may well understand the outrage, especially from Irish people who are fucking SICK of this phrase being said all the goddam time on here by clueless people.

I wouldn't be putting up it and neither should you. Ahh boo hoo he didn't like the way you spoke to him he sounds like a child who needs to grow up and fast. While he is gone I would be putting his stuff in bags leaving them outside texting to tell him to either pick them up or you throw them out and while you are waiting change the locks.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

You may wish to consider the use of goddamn

If a black person called out racist language derived from stereotypes about black people, would you class that as “virtue signaling”?

Well I was because some people will say that using the name Paddy is a racist term, he wasn't offended by the term throwing a Paddy either& I do know what it means thank you. I thought I'd added that on my earlier post . Anyway this is an open forum and people are allowed to join in.

Giving Irish men the nickname "Paddy" when they're name isn't Patrick, Padraig or similar... isn't that a lazy stereotype in itself?

It would be like deliberately calling every English man "Dave" or something, instead of taking the trouble to learn or use their actual name.

I don't know how it originated or who gave it to him in the first place and he's dead now so I can't ask him,but I suspect it would have been when he first moved to England so yes sterotyping, it was a very different world back then. Irish people got called Paddy, Scots were called Jock etc..To us as family it was an affectionate nickname of a much loved Uncle.

Could you link it please? I know research has been done on this but it would be interesting to read about posters’ experiences too.

@CosyPlumHam

By the way I am 70 this year and my husband is 82 this year. I have read your comments some of which have made me laugh very much.I can not thank you all enough for your comments.

OP I really hope this means you'll put yourself and your husband first and keep your disgrace of an adult son away now. You have more than enough on your plate.

First things first (once you've discussed with your husband) so he's in the loop:

• change the locks. Get a locksmith in ASAP to help with this. Unless you have a useful friend who can change out the lock barrels for you? Really don't rely on him giving you keys back - he's had time to make duplicates
• put a chain on your front door and use it every time you open the door so he can't barge past you
• give him the further push he needs by packing all his stuff in bags (you can get heavy duty bags delivered from Amazon if you don't have any) and leave them in the hallway for collection. Don't be tempted to wash laundry he's left dirty for you to wash. You are no longer his skivvy.
• once you've done those, email or message him to say his stuff is ready for collection and he'll need to arrange a date and time for him to collect. Do have some friends/relatives with you when he comes to collect
• if you give a copy if your new keys to trusted people do tell them why you've had to change the locks and they're not to hand the new keys over or let him into your home for any reason
• tell him he needs to redirect his mail so they don't come to your home
• put your mobile phone on "do not disturb" when you are resting/sleeping and encourage DH to do the same

Wishing you strength for a calmer future. 🌹

Thank you @Behindthescenesnow. I think MNHQ removed the paddy reference, so no wonder I was confused. Even so, Irish isn't a race, it's a nationality. I'm sure there are people of several different races with an Irish passport.

It's xenophobic and an offensive term.

Irish are an ethnic group, and thus, can suffer racism.

I did mean £300 a month. Not gloaty just I would never have enabled a lazy and nasty son to remain living there.

I meant to put £300 per month.

is there a son related version of LTB?
we need one.

How about MHF
Make Him Fledge🐣

I'd clear out his room and get a lodger who loves gardening.

@WhichEllie https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5043068-is-this-going-to-cause-a-massive-family-rift