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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

devastated by son

201 replies

CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:31

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
SickofSoup · 27/04/2024 18:46

Sounds like a win to me! Make sure you change the locks!!

Nicole1111 · 27/04/2024 18:47

What a horrible toad. Good riddance to him, you’ve got enough on your hands. Hopefully having to be independent and pay his own way might give him pause for reflection. If not though, just be alert to the fact that he might be using this as a temporary tactic to get you to back down and let him do as he pleases in the event he comes back. DO NOT LET HIM COME BACK. You can have a relationship with him without letting him take advantage of you.

merrymelodies · 27/04/2024 18:54

CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:31

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

Sounds like a win-win to me. Just don't let him move back in.

NotTram · 27/04/2024 18:56

Get a back bone (in the nicest possible way) and don't let him take advantage of you again.

CelesteCunningham · 27/04/2024 18:56

Great that he's gone. Don't let him come back and don't let yourself be drawn into doing his laundry or any other chores or life admin, he's a grown man and you have more than enough on your plate.

Are you getting all the support you can with your husband? That must be so difficult.

and now he has got in a paddy

I'm sure you were unaware, but this is a racist slur that is offensive to Irish people. Like I say, I'm sure you didn't know that, but please don't use this phrase.

pilates · 27/04/2024 19:02

I was shocked and saddened to read you’re 70. Let him go and don’t allow him back. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.

Trulyme · 27/04/2024 19:05

If he’s living rent free then the least he can do is do a lot of the housework/gardening.

Why is a 31yo man not doing his 70yo mum’s garden for her.

He’s a grown adult acting like a teen.

FWIW I am 2 years older than your son.
I live alone with my child as a single parent and do all of the housework and gardening myself.
I work FT and study online in the evenings.

Your son should be embarrassed and id be telling him that it’s best he doesn’t come back home to live.

LakeTiticaca · 27/04/2024 19:05

Pack the rest of his stuff. Change the locks. Don't contact him. If he contacts you tell him his belongings will be outside to be collected at a prearranged time.
If my son had spoken to me like that I would have boxed his ears, however old he is

Deadringer · 27/04/2024 19:05

You are well rid of him, what an absolute prick! Fresh clothes and towels twice a day, who the fuck does he think he is? Whatever you do don't let him come back, and I say that as the mum of 4 adult dc who live at home, but if they behaved like that they would be out on their ears.

Hadalifeonce · 27/04/2024 19:07

That sounds like a result to me. Let him stew in his own dirty washing and food wrappers.

ttcat37 · 27/04/2024 19:07

Sounds like a win! Rent the room out or turn it into a hobby room. Don’t let him back anyway, he’s been taking the piss out of you and to call you names like that especially when you’ve been doing everything is unacceptable.

isthatmyage · 27/04/2024 19:07

OP well done, stick to your guns and not let him back in. How awful he is to treat his mum like this xx

Poppalina37 · 27/04/2024 19:10

Pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy the peace!

Try not to be to upset.... unfortunately, he'll be back.... why wouldn't he 🙈

MikeRafone · 27/04/2024 19:11

and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

result - enjoy the tidy kitchen and lack of washing. -not sure why you are doing his laundry anyway

Change the locks and don 't let him move back in

Amx · 27/04/2024 19:12

Good. Don't let him back.

Shopper727 · 27/04/2024 19:12

Perhaps when he has to live by himself without you he might learn how hard it is to fend for yourself. Moving out is a result bow change the locks and move on. It’s hard when it’s your kids, but they have to learn and move out some time.

Squidlette · 27/04/2024 19:13

I would let my 14 year old get away with being that lazy. Which is why he thinks it's going to be better when he moves out😁

Iamawomenphenominally · 27/04/2024 19:14

When you wrote you are devastated, I hope you mean by the fact that he's been abusing your kindness and generosity all these years, and that he called you a prick.

What an absolute awful excuse of a human he is!!

Change the locks...... And maybe your will. (Mostly joking. Although there are lots of lovely cat charities out there....)

Honestly if he has keys do change the locks. He can meet you in a cafe or something for now if need be, and if he needs anything from your home he can arrange a time for it to be collected from a safe space like a porch/shed/garage.

There was only one prick in your house, and he's seen himself out thankfully.

Danielle9891 · 27/04/2024 19:14

He's 31 and he needs to get some independence. I personally couldn't live with my parents after 23/24 as I needed my own space. He'll probably try to come back when he realises how much you do for him but I wouldn't let him if I was you.

I'd pack his stuff in boxes and decorate his room to your liking. My mother in law did this with my brother in law. He stormed out one night and she had all his stuff boxed up for him coming back. He now has a lovely light coloured spare bedroom with a nice chair and her books for her to spend time and read and do her knitting or invite her friend over.

It will probably be good for both of yous and your relationship will improve.

rwalker · 27/04/2024 19:15

Perfectly natural to be upset but don’t doubt yourself
if you do decide to have him back it on fresh terms
and at 32 he can definitely do his own washing

0sm0nthus · 27/04/2024 19:17

Drivingbuttercup · 27/04/2024 16:41

He's giving you silent treatment as a way of punishing you for telling him off. He knows that eventually you'll ring him and beg him to come home. He wont even have to do anything, it'll all be you. He's trying to manipulate your feelings and control you. Then when he returns, he'll throw it back in your face and say he only came back because you begged him, eventually you'll just carry on as usual.

Take control, dont let him come back. He needs to stand on his own two feet. He's 31!

Edited

@Drivingbuttercup speaks the truth, you MUST stand firm OP, it's very hard but you must. This is an opportunity to establish some boundaries.

Mavenss · 27/04/2024 19:18

littleburn · 27/04/2024 17:30

Good! At the age of 32 he's finally moved out. I'd very much take the view that this is a permanent arrangement.

😂 Absolutely!! OP you deserve a break and don’t let him come back x

Boredofworkin · 27/04/2024 19:20

Surely at his age you tell him to leave? Why would you accept this type of abuse from an adult?!

OpalCitrine3 · 27/04/2024 19:21

The embarrassment of him allowing his mum to pick up after him at his big age and the absolute cheek of him to speak to you like that. I'm very sorry OP, I'd be very hurt if my son spoke to you like that.

Well past time for him to stand on his own 2 feet. I'm his age and if one of my friends/brothers/coworkers mentioned treating their mum like that I'd think they were absolutely pathetic and wouldn't be shy in telling them so!

ssd · 27/04/2024 19:21

How did he manage to just move into the University campus Hmm

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