Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

[Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor]

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

TLDR: Made a deal with brother he would paint something. He’s done half the job in twice the length of him and much of it needs re-doing due to the standard. We are having to get someone else to fix it/finish it. Should we pay him for time he’s done or not?

Nope. Don't pay.

Why is he to be godfather? Really poor example to set the child.

Stop bankrolling him.

I wouldn't and if he argued I'd say (a) the job he did was crap and (b) he still owes you for taking the piss over the dog sitting.

He doesn't get the money. It shouldn't cause a rift if he knows he hasn't done it. It sounds like he's pandered to enough as is.

Also, this comment about him being godparent.

WHY would you choose such a shocking example to your child?

He was given a specific job with a sensible deadline for a fixed price. He didn't do it so doesn't get paid.

He should be greatful you're not billing him the cost of undoing his sloppy work so it can be redone!

I wouldn't pay him. I would point out that you need to divert the money to someone else to fix and finish. I cannot believe how selfish he is. If it causes a rift, why on earth would you want someone like that in your life.

No, pay nothing. Downplay any complaining as 'overreacting' because it is. Tell everyone it is costing you more to fix the damaged caused and you are thinking of charging him for it!

I agree. No godfathering, odd jobs or favors for the manchild. He is a cf who needs to fottosof.

I think it will cause a rift as my mother and brother are saying it’s clearly a sign he’s very depressed.

I’ve told them if they actually think that, then instead of taking him out for dinner and to the pub several times a week, they should pay for him to see a therapist. It’s been 16 years on and off of the same thing. Everyone funding him and him saying he’s “feeling down” when challenged.

I'd be so over this waste of space by now I'd have gone no contact (and I don't say that lightly)

I'd tell him to do one. No wonder he's useless if people are going to take his side over yours on this.

What a loser and an embarrassment. I'd not name him Godfather either.

You aren't actually helping him by paying. I agree with the others. Job not done to spec = no payment.

Isn’t a godfather supposed to be a responsible adult in the child’s life? He doesn’t sound like a good example.

Do not pay him on the basis that you need to pay someone to fix the job.

Because my other brother is godfather to our other child and it seemed the fair thing to do. And he’s really a very fun, sweet uncle and fantastic with children so I can’t fault him there. I do like and love him Very much but he’s a huge cheeky fucker and I feel so fucking let down and sad about this. That’s why im Checking if it’s unfair to
not pay as I don’t want to be nasty but it feels so cheeky for him to even ask.

Yes if he is depressed then chucking money at him won’t help. They need to get him to see a therapist. Otherwise it’s just enabling.

Exactly what @VickyEadieofThigh said.

If he was 13, I’d cut him a bit of slack. But over 30? He’s taking you all for chumps.

I think it will cause a rift as my mother and brother are saying it’s clearly a sign he’s very depressed.

I think this must surely be a typo. You must have meant 'it's clearly a sign he's a fucking lazy grifter'!

It's been 16 years on and off of the same thing

Someone has to break the cycle.

Could you not phrase it as :

Bro, it's absolutely ok with us that you didn't feel you could do it. We're not holding it against you. We won't be able to pay you though, it's not in our budget.

That's perfectly reasonable.

It seems to me he's swinging the lead..... funny how his "depression" is always bad when hes asked to do something. I would go no contact and bugger the repercussions

Just to be clear about the type of paint issue I mean - so that people understand and maybe it’s not as bad as I think? The pink is just going to need either scraping off (without ruining the white) or painting over. He was supposed to paint flowers etc on the doors and started it (barely) but that too needs to be undone as the artist can’t do the same style and uses different paints so it would look awful if a mismatch.

I’ve already told him he can be godfather so I can’t really take it away

Do you know what godparents are for ?
I think yo keep the peace , which you obviously want to do you need to pay something so I’d give him £75-100 and then stop asking him to do stuff . I would have been finished with him after the dog incident .

Thanks for all of the opinions btw - DH doesn’t want to pay him so wanted some other opinions

Don't pay him.

You can’t control what the rest of your family do but you can take a stand yourself. It sounds like everyone enables him as a grown up child.
If he is depressed he needs to see his gp.
If he wants money he needs to get a job or if actually is depressed and would qualify for benefits (doesn’t sound like it at all) then claim those.
Tell the rest of the family it is tough love which will help him more than constant babying.

If he’s constantly saying he’s “feeling down” and your mum and sister insist it’s depression - has he been to the GP? He needs to help himself.