devastated by son

[CosyPlumHam]

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

Did he even feed the cat if you went away, or put the bins out? Because I'm not sure ofthe benefits of him staying living with you otherwise.

You might not want the hassle of changing the locks, OP, but do put some bolts on, so Little Lord Fauntleroy can't come swinging back in as though he's doing you a favour by coming home. A sharp pull up (you not contacting him to 'make sure he's all right' and an inability to swan right back) will do him good.

It's hard when they're your offspring. You want them to be all right, and cared for and happy. But looking after them once they are way past the age that most people are living independently isn't doing them a favour. It's teaching them that they can behave as they like and still be cared for.

Your son is learning a sharp lesson, hopefully. Let him. Don't have him back in, he's obviously got somewhere else to go, and looking after himself will be good for him all round. Plus you need the rest.

At 31 I imagine he's a a university lecturer. It may well transpire he's an Oxford Don and capable of using more eloquent language than "fucking prick".

Let your son sulk and don't contact him, he should be apologising to you! He sounds incredibly selfish. You shouldn't be doing his washing and clearing up after him at his age! You have enough on your plate as it is. Do you get any respite? Does your DH get attendance allowance or PIP? Can you use some of this money to pay for a PA for your DH so you can get a break from caring? Look after yourself 💐

Win! Win!

He'll be wanting to move back as soon as he gets tired of doing his own laundry and cleaning up after himself. You've done more than enough for him and he'll carry on taking the piss if you let him.

Don’t let him back @CosyPlumHam

He has done you a favour by leaving and you’ll be doing him a favour by forcing him to stick with “adulting”!

Good he has moved out and will now be responsible for his own mess. You must now concentrate on your own life and leave your son until he is ready to apologise.

Best thing ever! Do not let him back..... ever!

I felt sorry for you until you used racist language and then I asked myself if it’s any wonder you’ve raised an awful person?

Agreed!
Please steel yourself not to contact him. Let him contact YOU to apologise. He'll be playing a waiting game of course, but I think in the long term you will actually be doing him a massive favour in waking him up to his behaviour.

So forgive him, he's your son, but change the relationship you have going forward . It is too too unequal, he is all take and no give and he needs to see that. We love our children and want the best for them, and its hard to draw the line for where the helping and support stops, but he's gone way over that line and then some.

To be spoken to like that when you do so much for him in practical and monetary terms on a daily basis and at the same time to have no care or concern for you in return is utterly unacceptable.

This situation would be bad enough without the fact that you are a full time carer for your DH who is bedridden, but with it, I'd say he is utterly selfish to behave like this and this event is a good opportunity for him to take a good look at his own behaviour. At the bare minimum he needs to learn to pick up his own shit.

He's got somewhere to live and presumably is able to support himself, of course he won't be able to afford a housekeeper/cook/laundrymaid/gardener and will have to start learning these life skills for himself. As I said you'd be doing him a massive favour because he's currently unable to live with others.

Is this real? I don't understand.

Ffs

@Chaney what was the racist language? Have I missed something

Using the term Paddy

I'd say that him moving out was a great result all round. Don't feel bad about it in the slightest.

Agree with everyone else saying you should make this a permanent arrangement.

If he wants to be an over-dramatic sulky-arse about it, just leave him to it - at least he's not behaving like a petulant toddler under your roof any more

And repurpose/redecorate/whatever his old room into something that benefits you.

@Behindthescenesnow ah thanks. I hadn't seen that

As I explained above, "paddy" meaning tantrum is an anti Irish slur, and thus racist.

It comes up regularly on MN, and posters claim to be ignorant of its roots. As an Irish person I find that hard to believe, but then I'm sure there's terms I use that I've grown up with that are dodgy too.

The proof of character usually comes in how they take it when it's pointed out - embarrassment and an intention not to use it again, or bluster and "my Irish friends all use it".

OP seems like a decent sort, I think she'll be in the first category but I've been surprised before.

It's not worth derailing the thread over though, OP has plenty on her plate.

This, 100%.

His attitude is disgusting and you have every right to draw a firm boundary, @CosyPlumHam. He has moved out, and I think that is what is best for you, and for him. Maybe a few weeks of doing all his own cooking, cleaning and laundry will teach him a lesson or two.

What a lovely opportunity. What are you going to do with his room? Sounds like you need a carer's chill out space!

Fantastic. Your aim now is to keep him out and he can start to be an independent human. Tell him he was completely right to move out, you see it now and actually it's the very best thing for both of you. Don't even get into a conversation about it, get his stuff packed up and breathe! It will be wonderful for you not to have that additional burden of looking after him. After a little while he may realise how good he had it...but had he stayed with you he never would the selfish ungrateful little swine.

Do you have a problem?

What a fantastic opportunity to set boundaries. At 31, he needs to grow up and get a taste of the real world. It's REALLY long overdue.

Please don't let him back, he really needs to stand on his own two feet. You'd be doing all of you a disservice by letting him back.