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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

devastated by son

201 replies

CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:31

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
Deadringer · 27/04/2024 20:06

Chaney · 27/04/2024 20:00

Do you have a problem?

Show quote history

You have an empathy problem, kicking someone when they are down. The op's comment might be ill judged but it's not racist. For all you know she could be Irish herself, it's not an expression that i personally use but lots of other Irish people do.

Chaney · 27/04/2024 20:10

Deadringer · 27/04/2024 20:06

You have an empathy problem, kicking someone when they are down. The op's comment might be ill judged but it's not racist. For all you know she could be Irish herself, it's not an expression that i personally use but lots of other Irish people do.

Show quote history

I don’t have an empathy problem. I don’t like racists.

CelesteCunningham · 27/04/2024 20:13

It isn't a term that's ever used in Ireland, I first read it on here donkeys years ago and my jaw literally dropped. It is a racist phrase.

I don't think OP used it with racist intent though, hence pointing it out politely to OP. I do think these things should always be politely explained, I'd want to know.

decionsdecisions62 · 27/04/2024 20:13

He's an arsehole man child and he has little respect for you because he's been allowed to get away with it. Dump his shit in the garden and change the locks.

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 20:14

@Chaney you've made your point, maybe time to move on?

Chaney · 27/04/2024 20:20

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 20:14

@Chaney you've made your point, maybe time to move on?

Stop moderating other people’s posts.

Noyoky · 27/04/2024 20:21

Chaney · 27/04/2024 20:10

I don’t have an empathy problem. I don’t like racists.

Show quote history

I personally didn’t know that throwing a Paddy was a derogatory term !!
Think you are being too harsh towards someone who is at their lowest point.
Am guessing that OP wasn’t aware either…sort out your empathy priorities 🙄

Silvers11 · 27/04/2024 20:23

Agree with others. Have you spoken to Social services to get help with looking after your husband? Do you get Attendance Allowance? If not, please seek advice about applying for it. You have more than enough on your plate without a nasty, selfish man-child making your life more difficult

As for your son, it may be hard, but change the locks ASAP, if he still has a key to your house and DO NOT take him back, when he comes crawling back. Don't message him either saying you are sorry, or he will assume he is in the right. He absolutely isn't. So sorry you are going through this

BluntPoet · 27/04/2024 20:25

You sound like a really kind person. Your son, unfortunately, and sorry to be so frank, sounds like a user.

Users prey on kind people.

Where I come from, we have a saying: if you have a soft heart, you need to have a hard a**e.

I think your son is used to having an easy life and you doing everything for him. He doesn’t seem to respect you very much.

I’d say change the locks and don’t let him back in, it’s high time for him to stand on his own 2 feet and do his own washing, somewhere else. If he doesn’t want to talk to you and has a strop, it reflects on him, not you. He can pick up his stuff when it’s convenient for you.

I know you think it’s cruel and OTT but it might help him. Otherwise he will never learn to respect other people and will end up alone and unhappy.

Focus on your husband, your business and yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Sounds like you really deserve it.

kdramaqueen · 27/04/2024 20:27

Chaney · 27/04/2024 19:41

I felt sorry for you until you used racist language and then I asked myself if it’s any wonder you’ve raised an awful person?

Eh? What part was racist?

2024istheyearforme · 27/04/2024 20:33

Sorry ... A man is letting his 70 year old mum slave away for him??? No I'm sorry but he is an asshole. Let him go into the real world and grow into a man.

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 20:35

@kdramaqueen using the term paddy!

BluntPoet · 27/04/2024 20:35

Chaney · 27/04/2024 19:41

I felt sorry for you until you used racist language and then I asked myself if it’s any wonder you’ve raised an awful person?

Virtue-signalling in 3…2…1

Only the morally superior and enlightened are worthy of not being treated like garbage. 🙄

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 20:36

@Chaney the irony of you telling me to stop moderating peoples posts is just hilarious!

Pour yourself a wine, put your feet up and chill... it's a Saturday evening.

2024istheyearforme · 27/04/2024 20:37

@Chaney As an Irish woman, I say paddy sometimes too 🤣 I wouldn't take it as racism ... calm down

caringcarer · 27/04/2024 20:40

CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:31

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

He will learn OP. You are not his skivvy. He needs to learn respect. That is appalling behaviour from an adult son. You should be glad he is gone. Don't contact him first. Let him work out how bad he's been and come back to apologise to you and DH.

caringcarer · 27/04/2024 20:52

My adult DS moved out last July. Whilst he was home he did all his own laundry and bedmaking. He cooked for DH and me and our foster done twice a week. He never left any mess in the kitchen. He emptied the kitchen bin and put it out into the dustbin and sorted all the recycling and got it out on the correct day. He also carried all the shopping in from my car for me and unpacked and put it away. He had his own shower room and kept it clean. He cleaned his own room once a week. He also often rang me if he was put and asked if I wanted any bits of shopping collected on his way home. He also used to treat me to breakfast on the day he went to work later. He paid £300 per week towards food and utilities whilst saving for his deposit. He often made me and DH a cup of coffee or tea. I'm not swapping him for your ds mind!

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 20:54

caringcarer · 27/04/2024 20:52

My adult DS moved out last July. Whilst he was home he did all his own laundry and bedmaking. He cooked for DH and me and our foster done twice a week. He never left any mess in the kitchen. He emptied the kitchen bin and put it out into the dustbin and sorted all the recycling and got it out on the correct day. He also carried all the shopping in from my car for me and unpacked and put it away. He had his own shower room and kept it clean. He cleaned his own room once a week. He also often rang me if he was put and asked if I wanted any bits of shopping collected on his way home. He also used to treat me to breakfast on the day he went to work later. He paid £300 per week towards food and utilities whilst saving for his deposit. He often made me and DH a cup of coffee or tea. I'm not swapping him for your ds mind!

That's really not helpful to OP, it's very gloating.

Poor OP.

socks1107 · 27/04/2024 20:54

My 17 year old does all her washing, cooks twice a week and never ever leaves plates in the kitchen. You have enabled him for far too long, let him enjoy campus halls and managing for himself

RainingOnMyFace · 27/04/2024 21:02

I think your son will soon run out of clean clothes and towels!

Dorsetpea · 27/04/2024 21:03

Keep a key in the front door so he can't get back in!

kkloo · 27/04/2024 21:04

He's the prick!
How did he manage to just grab some stuff and just move to the university campus though? 😂

RainingOnMyFace · 27/04/2024 21:04

caringcarer · 27/04/2024 20:52

My adult DS moved out last July. Whilst he was home he did all his own laundry and bedmaking. He cooked for DH and me and our foster done twice a week. He never left any mess in the kitchen. He emptied the kitchen bin and put it out into the dustbin and sorted all the recycling and got it out on the correct day. He also carried all the shopping in from my car for me and unpacked and put it away. He had his own shower room and kept it clean. He cleaned his own room once a week. He also often rang me if he was put and asked if I wanted any bits of shopping collected on his way home. He also used to treat me to breakfast on the day he went to work later. He paid £300 per week towards food and utilities whilst saving for his deposit. He often made me and DH a cup of coffee or tea. I'm not swapping him for your ds mind!

You took £300 a week off your own son? Crikey!

Dacadactyl · 27/04/2024 21:06

@RainingOnMyFace well it does seem on the high side but it depends what he earns.

If my child was earning big bucks, their rent would go up accordingly.

chattyness · 27/04/2024 21:09

I'm so glad he's moved out ,once he's had a wee taste of having to pay his own bills and do his own laundry & cooking he will try and come crawling back, don't let him, pack the rest of his stuff and have it ready for collection when he does turn up. The way he's treated you and spoken to you is unacceptable. My brother was like this this for years except he was a mummy's boy dole dosser not ever bothering to look for work, he just would sit around watching crap tv (way before internet came along) he was quite introverted so he found being around people difficult but he wouldn't even try. He finally got a job as shelf stacker but he still didn't move out until he was 42 ! Stay strong OP!