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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

devastated by son

201 replies

CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:31

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 27/04/2024 17:43

Hi OP

Sadly, it happens. Rightly so, people tend to keep quiet about it as its depressing and people often fear what others will say

IMO, its none of the other people's business but at times, ones DC can mouth of the same lies they shouted at you

The mistake you made is you allowed it to carry on. However, most mums are like you

The bottom line, kick him out, good riddance etc. I'm pretty sure kicking him out will eventually bring him to his senses

Caution advised. There will be a lot more nasty stuff coming from your son and possibly from some family who may take in the sob story

We love our kids but sadly, at times its time to be strong and not put up with the shit and abuse

Yes, its easy to say kick them out but often worth it IMO

Greywitch2 · 27/04/2024 17:49

Good. What an unpleasant person.

You've lost nothing. I'd expect an apology from him, but I wouldn't want him back home. He was no help at all to you.

oakleaffy · 27/04/2024 17:49

There used to be a comic cartoon character called “ Spoilt Bastard” in Viz comic who constantly abused his mum.

Crazeland · 27/04/2024 17:49

What a result that he moved out. Now change the locks

IHateLegDay · 27/04/2024 17:50

Good riddance I'd say! Now you can enjoy a smaller laundry pile, less dishes and a quieter life! What a total twat!

AppleCrumbCake · 27/04/2024 18:01

What a plonker, good he’s moved out and can learn to stand in his own two feet and do his own domestic chores and pay his own way. He’s a grown man acting like a 12 year old

MorphandMindy · 27/04/2024 18:05

I definitely agree you should change the locks OP, it will take you a few minutes to do. Get a screwdriver and a tape measure, and look for a YouTube video on changing the barrel of your lock to show you what to do. Pop it out, measure it, and order a new one the same size (Amazon will have it to you tomorrow or if you have time you can pop to the hardware store and get one). Then pop it back in and screw it in place until the new one arrives. Same thing again then, and Bob's your uncle.

What you DON'T want, is your son coming in when you're out so he doesn't have to see you or apologise, and dropping off a bag of dirty laundry in front of the machine and raiding the fridge.

And maybe start practising "I'm sorry, I don't really have time to do that" for the inevitable "Mum can you wash and iron my shirts and bring them around when you have a minute, I'm going out tonight and I need them by 6pm". If you haven't got that text message within 4 days of his moving out I will eat my hat. So you need to be ready with your well-thought out excuses!

(My preference when I think someone is starting to rely on me too much is the breaking dependency tactic, i.e. leave it 24 hours past the due date and go back eventually with something like "Sorry love I wasn't looking at my phone all day yesterday. I hope you found some clean clothes, Love Mum xx". A couple of those and he'll start to rely on other methods.)

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 27/04/2024 18:07

Nobody needs to change their clothes twice a day when all they’re doing is sitting at their computer. A PHD is like a piece of string in terms of how long it can take, and it sounds like your son would have let it go on into his fifties.

Like everyone has previously said, please do not let him back or give him any money. He might complain to other members of the family, but they won’t think badly of you, and if they do they’re not important.

I’m cheering for you, win win!.. I’m also nearing 70 and had a similar situation with my son but about 20 years ago. We only visit in a cafe as I am very protective of my space.

Helplessandheartbroke · 27/04/2024 18:13

You should have considered kicking him out for calling you a fucking prick so he's saved you a job. Make sure you take some 'me time' now each day. Even if its just a nice hot bubble bath

LighthouseCat · 27/04/2024 18:13

Stay strong op. You'll be doing him a favour in the long run by not letting him come back. He needs to be independent and you need that too xx

LynetteScavo · 27/04/2024 18:20

Did you say he's 31?

You sound like an absolutely saint to not have shown him your true prick self before this.

Enjoy your tidy kitchen and lack of laundry. Good luck to him using the university launderette.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 18:21

It's quite funny really isn't it. He will be there with the 18-year-olds and they will all be complaining about their hard lives and then at some point the 18-year-olds will look at him and think for fuck's sake you still live at home?!

LynetteScavo · 27/04/2024 18:24

And do not let him sneak back to use the washing machine. Years ago DH had a lodger who moved somewhere cheaper when DH refused to lower the rent, but would come back when DH was at work to wash his clothes. Grin The locks had to be changed. I'd suggest you do the same.

bringbacksideburns · 27/04/2024 18:24

Why have you allowed him to get this bad? Why doesn’t he pay you any rent or help you?

You will be doing him no favours letting him move back. He should have stood on his own two feet years ago. Is he a perpetual student who never works? He is a man child.

Stand firm and tell him he needs to leave for good. He’s treating you like a doormat because you are letting him and he’s adding to your workload and contributing zero to your life.

Desperada68 · 27/04/2024 18:26

At 31 he should know better. Why have you allowed this overgrown toddler to behave this way? Doesn't sound like it'll be much of a loss, frankly.

Pantaloons99 · 27/04/2024 18:32

Don't let him come back in the house without an apology. Don't allow him to live with you again.

He sounds abusive and it is your responsibility not to enable this shit. You probably feel alot of grief for the son you hope for but don't have. At this age he isn't going to be what you hoped for. I believe this situation is quite common and many are too embarrassed to admit it. Hope you now have some peace and calm at home with him gone.

Tel12 · 27/04/2024 18:33

Really he doesn't get to talk to you like that. He has zero respect. Don't allow him back. He'll be worming his way in once the washing piles up. He's no help to you and if anything adds to your workload. He can't behave as if he's 12 forever. Stand firm. You are going to have an easier summer!

Desperada68 · 27/04/2024 18:33

Sorry, I didn't mean my last response to sound so harsh, you have a hell of a lot on your plate. Honestly, best thing for him to B*gger off. I had a colleague in a previous job like this, perpetual student, enabled by mummy's money, only got his first actual job at 40 (with us) and then swanned about like Lord Muck because he had a PhD and other bits of academic wallpaper. If it hadn't been for the fact it was Lockdown when he left I think we'd have held a street party.

Barleycat · 27/04/2024 18:34

Good riddance!

Orangemangogrape · 27/04/2024 18:36

I hope that one day be looks back and feels ashamed of himself.

What a shocking way to treat you.

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/04/2024 18:39

Enjoy the peace and quiet.

DrJoanAllenby · 27/04/2024 18:40

'got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.' (edited by mnhq)

Excellent. I was reading your post and thought you were going to ask how to ask him to leave.

He's done you a massive favour by leaving.

Maybe get the locks changed and certainly bolt it from the inside when you're at home.

I know he's your son but sadly he's turned nasty on you and is lazy and taking advantage of your good nature.

You're a very capable woman holding it altogether and you need loving support not some spoilt brat giving you grief.

HoppingPavlova · 27/04/2024 18:42

and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus (edited by mnhq)

Best outcome possible! Don't let him move back. Change the locks pronto.

itsgettingweird · 27/04/2024 18:44

Fabulous.

When you have time you can add up all you'll save on washing powder, water and electricity costs and food by him not being a prick under your roof.

Even better - you can plan some lovely treats for you with it and you and DH will be able to afford more between you.

WellThatEndedBadly · 27/04/2024 18:46

Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. You son has behaved awfully. Have you contacted him at all. You could write a letter or email and let him know what you are thinking. I'd keep it short and simple and I wouldn't get too emotional or guilt-trippy in it. You can also tell him you love him (if you want!) and that you would like to resolve this.

Maybe he suggests he asks his friends if they would help out in the same situation.

Another thing to think about is how you got to this situation. I've messed up plenty of times as a parent but my kids wouldn't have dreamt of not putting their dishes away from about the age of ten.
Have you always done his chores for him?