devastated by son

[CosyPlumHam]

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

My adult son is living with us after a relationship break up, he's a similar age to your son. He does his own washing, cooks for us when we're working, keeps the house clean, does the gardening as well as pay us rent and working remotely as a graphic designer. It's like sharing a house with another adult, not my child, who still expects me to be mother. Set some ground rules if your son asks to move back home.

Change the locks, don't let him back. Rent the room out if you want to and make some money

Pack up any of his stuff he has left behind and let him know he can collect it and leave any key he has behind.

Sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate @CosyPlumHam

It will do your son the world of good to be independent so it's fantastic he's flounced.

I echo others and suspect he will be back like a shot when he realises how hard and expensive adulting is.

Do you live near a Uni? Could you rent his room out to a student for extra cash? Or a Monday to Friday lodger? Or even as others say convert it into a chill room of your own.

@Neolara I quite agree
@CosyPlumHam he is an ungrateful big baby

Your adult son has been royally taking the piss out of you. Use this now as a catalyst for a complete change. Do not, under any circumstances, allow him back into your home.

In your shoes I would write him an email outlining exactly how much you’ve done for him and point out that he owes you an apology for the way he spoke to you. Do not let him get away with this. Take the upper hand and dictate to him what’s going to happen.

In the meantime, see your GP urgently. You need some help with your mental health.

I’m so very sorry you’re having to deal with this shit. You don’t need it, on top of everything else. 💐

Your adult child should have moved out a while ago.

Don't let him back home. If he wants to move back tell him he is a grown man, in his 30s and now is the time for him to behave like an adult and for him to live independently.

I think your life will improve.

Don’t be devastated! Be relieved. He’ll try and come back, don’t let him.

If you are a "fucking prick" then he needs to leave and find himself a home of his own - poor man can't be expected to live with such a dreadful person!!

How dare he speak to you like that when you are waiting on him hand and foot!

He needs to GO!!! And you need to insist.

Just tell him he is a grown man and needs to find a home of his own, and that you have no intention of continuing to be his skivvy and certainly will not tolerate his rudeness. OUT HE GOES!!!

I have adult children and none of them would dream of speaking to me like that, especially if I was doing them a massive ;long term favour. I find this shocking.

Change locks and don't let him back. he is abusive and bone idle.

By the way I am 70 this year and my husband is 82 this year. I have read your comments some of which have made me laugh very much.I can not thank you all enough for your comments.

Good! At the age of 32 he's finally moved out. I'd very much take the view that this is a permanent arrangement.

@CosyPlumHam I agree with everyone saying it's good your son has gone and don't let him back.

I hope you are claiming Attendance Allowance for your DH? You have an awful lot on your plate and it sounds like you would be entitled to that at the very least.

I feel for you op. He's been abusing you for years, he's an adult and should be standing on his own two feet. Tbh he should be ashamed of himself to live like this .

If he comes back (which he will), give him a time frame to move out. If you feel you can't do this draw up a rota for housework etc and make it 50/50. He should also be paying you rent

Well that's the perfect outcome. The big baby has gone and you can concentrate on you, your husband, business and garden. DO NOT ALLOW HIM BACK!

She shouldn't even take him back. She's a prick remember? (According to her son). Not taking him back is the only way he will appreciate op and grow up (with any luck).
@CosyPlumHam change locks. Even if he apologises. Accept his apologies but tell him he still have to live on his own. He is an adult. You can see each other once every few weeks at some cafe.

Take his key and enjoy your life. Nasty selfish man. I am sorry OP, take care of yourself.

This is actually good. He’ll see how much you actually did for him. Your job will be easier around the house. Change the locks and only let him back if he pays for the cost of a cleaner and all the food and rent.
Can you pay for a gardener/cleaner to lighten your load?

Actually, don’t let him back.

That is what I call a great result! Go buy yourself a bottle of wine and celebrate tonight. He saved you from having to tell him it was time for him to leave. Don't get in touch for now, let him calm down and realise what an idiot he's been.

It will happen but if you apologise or keep messaging him then he will think he was in the right and he really wasn't.

The money you save from not paying for his food, electricity, water etc hopefully means you could pay for a gardener for a couple of hours per week to take some pressure off you.

DO NOT BACK DOWN AND LET HIM COME BACK! Not even if he apologises.

Stay firm. He's a 30 year old man. He absolutely should be living independently.

What a vile abusive lazy arsehole.
He will be with a load of teenagers in Halls- good luck with THAT!

He should be bloody ashamed of himself, treating his parents like that!

Be strong OP, keep him out and he might just start to respect you a bit more!