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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

devastated by son

201 replies

CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:31

I am a carer for my husband who is bedridden and lives at home. My 31 year old son was also living with us rent free. I have been feeling like a skivvy,trying to look after my husband,run a home,do the gardening,doing washing etc etc. Whenever I ask my son for help he always says he is busy as he has work to do, he is doing a PHD, then when I go in his room he is often talking to friends on the computer or playing games. He always has time to go for lunch with friends or out for the evening with them.Anyway things all came to a head the other day when I mentioned he could empty the cat tray occassionally as he hadn't done it once yet and he doesn't do much to help. All he does is give me loads of washing,he has two showers a day and clean clothes and towel each time.No sooner had I done one load of washing and cleared it all there was another pile to do. On top of this I have a 90 foot garden and am trying to run a business on ebay. My son also will cook himself some snacks and leave the dirty dishes on the side and even the wrappers from the food get left on the kitchen side for me to throw in the bin. Well I mentioned this to him and he lost his temper,he called me a fucking prick, a nasty person saying I was nasty to everyone and now he has got in a strop and taken some clothes and moved up to live on the university campus and is not talking to me.

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
ivs · 27/04/2024 16:31

thats fine - you have one less child to look after

Jellyx · 27/04/2024 16:32

Eh why have you permitted this so long? You need to have better boundaries.

Give him a deadline to leave. He's causing you extra work. He's 31 - cut the apron strings!

RoseBucket · 27/04/2024 16:33

Good, it’s about time he grew up!!

sashagabadon · 27/04/2024 16:33

Well that’ll give you a rest from the washing! I’d leave him to it tbh.
maybe ask when he’ll be collecting the rest of his stuff ( but I would try and restrain myself)

FlipFlops4Me · 27/04/2024 16:34

Change the locks! Honestly, you're so much better off without him. A son that age should be helping you, not adding to your load.

Neolara · 27/04/2024 16:35

That sounds like an excellent outcome. He sounds a nightmare to live with and as he's a fully formed adult in his 30s, should be living independently from his parents. Which he now is.

Original poster
CosyPlumHam · 27/04/2024 16:36

Thankyou all so very much, you have made me feel so much better already I felt so depressed and alone.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 27/04/2024 16:39

He's done you a favour by moving out. When he realises he needs something he'll be back with an apology.

I'd forgive him but he wouldn't live under my roof again.

Breakingpoint1961 · 27/04/2024 16:40

Does he have a key? I'm sure he has every intention of coming back so I'd get my ducks in a row if I were you!

Sort some boundaries out first and foremost. Stop him from abusing you and your home. When he comes back it'll all start again so get something in place..

Drivingbuttercup · 27/04/2024 16:41

He's giving you silent treatment as a way of punishing you for telling him off. He knows that eventually you'll ring him and beg him to come home. He wont even have to do anything, it'll all be you. He's trying to manipulate your feelings and control you. Then when he returns, he'll throw it back in your face and say he only came back because you begged him, eventually you'll just carry on as usual.

Take control, dont let him come back. He needs to stand on his own two feet. He's 31!

helpfulperson · 27/04/2024 16:42

That's good. I'm sure you will find life much easier without him. Now he needs to collect his belongings.

MrsPuckle · 27/04/2024 16:43

He’d be staying permanently on the Uni campus if he was mine. Don’t let him move back in, he’s treating you like a doormat and I feel truly sorry for any partner he has or meets in the future.

SittingBackAndWatchingTheClowns · 27/04/2024 16:44

He's a grown man of 31 but behaves like a petulant teenager. Be glad he's gone, he has been making your life harder than it already is. Don't have him back.

(my adult sons came home a couple of times, but always cooked or cleaned)

ACynicalDad · 27/04/2024 16:44

I’d suggest now is the time for him to leave home. If he comes back set rules first up he adds nothing to your work, so own washing clothes and washing up and then agree a reasonable level of chores. Any luck he’ll stay at uni. My seven year old does more, my nine year old way more, they may do it badly but the intention is good.

xyz111 · 27/04/2024 16:45

That's good he's left!! And if he comes back and you take him back in, you need to set some serious ground rules. Does his own washing, pays rent, does the dinner xx amount of evenings etc

Pearsplums · 27/04/2024 16:46

Honestly you will end up with a far better relationship long term if you use this as an incentive to put some rules/boundaries in place.

muddyford · 27/04/2024 16:46

Any luck he'll stay there.

Isthisreasonable · 27/04/2024 16:46

Don't have him back and don’t be the one to make the first contact. Make the most of him not being there.

dragonscannotswim · 27/04/2024 16:46

Oh Op, don't let him back in! Think how much nicer and easier your life will be without your giant entitled man baby son there.

You really need to work on your boundaries though, but I understand that now is not the time, as you have so much else on your plate.

Singleandproud · 27/04/2024 16:47

Turn his room into a sanctuary just for you. Get yourself to B&Q tomorrow and get some paint / paper and redecorate it. Some new bedding for the bed and turn it in to a daybed. Move your books and craft or exercise things in and box up his bits to collect when he deigns to talk to you again. Being a carer is hard work and a room for you would make a world of difference

At 31 he should be living independently or pulling his weight, to be that age and happily being treated as a child is ridiculous he should be embarrassed. It would be different if he was helping out and sharing the load.

dragonscannotswim · 27/04/2024 16:47

Are you entitled to any more help for your husband? Carers need to be looked after too.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 27/04/2024 16:48

He's 31 and he's moved out way past time, excellent. Now change the locks or he will be back.

GreenIcy · 27/04/2024 16:48

Pearsplums · 27/04/2024 16:46

Honestly you will end up with a far better relationship long term if you use this as an incentive to put some rules/boundaries in place.

Totally. Sorry you're feeling so upset though @CosyPlumHam it's rubbish 💐

WaitUpForMe · 27/04/2024 16:48

I would change the locks so he can’t come back.

How long has he been so disrespectful towards you? Something had gone very wrong with him and your relationship with him.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 27/04/2024 16:49

He'll need you before you need him. Don't let him move back in without setting some very firm boundaries.