Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

At 25? no way.... Betcha she isn't planning on kerbing her social life to save. We had dd back for 2 weeks post relationship breakdown while she found a new place.

Can you advance her the money to get a flat and have the boyfriend pay her rent?

That's sad actually. I moved home after I split with a boyfriend at 29, my own house was rented out. I was going to issue my tenants notice and live there with lodgers but my dad didn't want me living with strangers! I was able to save money, they charged me nothing, and I moved back out a year later.

It's not always easy living together as adults but I think your dh is being really mean. Why does he get the final say? If I needed to my parents would have me back tomorrow, because they would never not help me

Who made your DH the overall decision maker - why does his opinion trump yours?
And whilst it’s not ideal - I agree with you - that if your daughter has asked for your support and has been open about her plans you should support if you can.

I hope you can resolve this by offering up some practical solutions for all of you - you seen to be trying - maybe ask your husband to think of what he would propose too for you all to live together comfortably for a while.

The London property market is brutal for young people, early in their careers and not earning a huge amount. Both my children are experiencing this.

In these circumstances I would let her come home.

I was welcome home if/when I ever needed to and that's how it will be with my kids. Home is home. They might have to follow our rules, but I'd never tell them they couldn't move back. No coming in after midnight, nobody sleeping over, buy your own food etc..whatever rules make sense at the time regardless of it they're an adult, but there'll always be a room and a bed for them. Knowing I could always go home if I needed to was a safety net I'll never take for granted, especially as I felt ok asking to go home after leaving a shitty relationship.

What does he think is so stressful about living with his own daughter? Is she a nightmare to live with?

All my children know that they would always have a home with me. Eldest is 38. Now way would I not.

For god sake support your daughter. I can’t believe that’s even a debate.

I moved back home when I was 23(?) until I was nearly 26 to save and then bought and moved into my own flat. There’s no way I could’ve afforded to continued renting and save enough. I would absolutely do the same for my children, your DH sounds a bit mean. Is he her biological dad?

He sounds awful.

My DD would always be able to come home, my home is always hers too, I think it’s sad you don’t want her back.

Why does your DH get to veto this? Does your opinion not count?

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't even willing to discuss supporting his DC and definitely wouldn't be risking my relationship with my DC for them.

My DDs are a similar age and there will always be a home for them at ours if they need it, regardless of age.

I’m in my 40s and my parents would let me move in now if needed. I can’t imagine not helping my child in these circumstances unless there’s more to it.

For gods sake why is this even being discussed. She has obviously felt safe enough to ask for help, to not give it to her when is possible is awful.

Will she keep her job when/ if she moves in with you? If she's going to have to give it up then she can look at other areas. Has she set up a LISA to max out government bonuses
She could:
Live as a lodger
Live in a Flat share
Stay at a Residential Caravan park
Buy a flat in a cheaper part of the UK.
Buy through Shared ownership

Why does your DH get to decide?

I’ve seen the damage that pulling the rug out from under young adults does and it’s not always pretty. She sounds as if she has a plan, she doesn’t want to stay forever & London rents are an utter nightmare. She doesn’t sound as if she will want to come and stay forever.

If you refuse her you are basically saying that there isn’t a safety net for her with her parents . I still know that I have a safety net with my parents and I’m more than double her age. That sort of security sets people up for life. I suspect that refusing will damage your relationship.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker

I'm thinking your daughter is much harder work than you're letting on for your husband to have such a strong reaction. Honestly, her being "difficult" should be totally unacceptable.

I'm with your hubby on this.

Give her some money towards her rent if it makes you feel better and like you've helped her.

They may not even be able to ever purchase a property. The problem with saving for a year is that house prices have increased in that time - often by more than the amount of money you've saved.

Wow my kids will always be welcome back home as long as they pay a little , are tidy and respectful etc. you don’t stop being a parent when they turn 18.
yes ground rules etc so its fair on all and you want to see them truly saving but would not turn my kids away
im nearly 50 but my parents would let me move back in if needed even now. The day i left my dad said remember this is always your home , etc and would say the same to mine

She has a job and a plan to save up, it isn't like she is unemployed or feckless. Renting is totally shit when you are also trying to save for a house deposit. It is a year. I could not imagine saying no to my child returning even if it is a bit stressful. Just lay down some ground rules.

She wouldn’t ask you if she didn’t have to. DH is being a selfish dick. Did he have a harder childhood than your own kids? I think some men have a ‘it was alright for me’ and the world is very different now. You could say to her 3 months or so to appease him and if you notice that she isn’t really saving then bring it up but right now give her the benefit of the doubt.

My mum is the least affectionate, least maternal person ever - I’ve always known I have a home to go to if necessary (had to do this the odd time during my 20s). Unless she’s going to be some kind of nightmare to live with, deliberately unpleasant or abusive, I don’t see why she isn’t being welcomed home. Is the house big enough to accommodate her? One of the reasons I moved to my current house and took it as a falling down shithole, as it was the only way to level up, was because I wanted enough space to always be here for my kids. It feels such a privilege to be able to help them, and will mean so much to her and improve her life and her future. I think it would be fair for her to stay at cost, but to show you/agree to a savings plan to buy a place.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult

Care to elaborate on that?