Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

My children will always be welcome to come back and live me, regardless of age as long as they are not dossing. If they're working hard to save towards a deposit for a home, absolutely.

All my children would always be welcome home
Who made your DH the boss

I had to move out when I was 18. And never had to option to 'move back home' as there was no 'family home' to move back to, so obviously that's going to influence my opinion, and in this case I can see your dh's point! But what's the backstory between dh and your dd? Is he her dad? Have they got a difficult relationship?

I can understand wanting to support your adult child but my concern would be lack of motivation to move out again! Life throws curve balls and navigating those is part of adulthood. Could she look at moving a bit further out? Sadly flat sharing with people you don't know is common and shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

She won't be able to save a deposit for a flat in London in one year surely ?
In that regard I think she is best off living independently with additional financial support. Lots of people are unable to buy. Doesn't mean they should all stay at home !

He’s going on recent evidence and deserves a peaceful home life. He’s right to suggest it won’t work out and he’d rather give her money to support her renting. Many young people in London have rooms in a shared house and band 5 with London waiting will support that easily.
Buying somewhere could take much longer than a year if they haven’t got the deposit together yet - I think he’s right to say no.

I need to know more about how and why it would be stressful to have her home to judge properly.

I think an adult sit down conversation is needed cards on the table and work out what it would take for all sides to be happy.

Very sad. Is there really no chance he would agree to maybe do a contract with her addressing what he found stressful. If she violate she leaves, but to not be there at all feel very harsh.

Let her come back home, but make some hard and fast ground rules which include her making an effort to find another space to live in. Your husband is being unfair to a point, but he is also entitled to say no, even if it doesn't go his way.

My mum would always let me go home no matter what, but I would expect to follow ground rules so there is no disruption to her routine.

That's awful! Your DH is wrong on this and she will never forgive him.

I have done this for both my DC who are now settled in their own homes. If either of them ever needed it there will always be a home for them here.
Obviously everyone needs to compromise and be cosiderate and have some solid ground rules that protect everyone's privacy and space but it can be done.
I'm sure if she has been house sharing she will be used to using her bedroom as a sittiing room.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult

he's not wrong to not want the stresses that having your DD living there would bring, just when he's presumably got used to it being the 2 of you.

What makes her difficult?

In your DHs shoes I'd be wanting a very very comprehensive and strict agreement about how things will work. And i wouldn't be wanting the BF around much if at all.

Multigenerational living is actually likely to become more and more common, particularly in the SE / London.

There is clearly more to this than OP has let on. Bickering is nowhere near serious enough for the dd to be banned from home by her own father.

I couldn’t imagine treating my child like that. I would always have a home with my mum if I needed it, no matter how old I get, and I will offer the same safety net to my children.

Unless she is unbearable to live with I would override your DH and say she can.

Put some rules in place re housework etc. Ask her to commit to saving.

I would 100% support my adult child in this situation. I hate to say it but if you don’t she won’t forget that you wouldn’t help her when she needed help.

this is a "2 yesses" type scenario, though, i think.

We've made it clear to our DCs who have left home that they always have a home here. But one of my DCs is very very difficult to live with. There would be rules and it would be on a 3 month rolling "agreement". To save everyone's sanity

If DH won’t budge then he would be moving out or I would with DD.

My kids would come first every every time.

jenny1209 I’m the same and I can’t imagine not offering the same support to my children.

Unless she is unbearable to live with I would override your DH and say she can.

so the DH isn't allowed to "override" but OP can? in the bin with it. It is time for a grown up decision. What if the DD is an absolute thieving drug taking nightmare? or plays death metal at volume 11 constantly? uses all the hot water, walks around in her pants? There are many reasons why the DH may have an issue with it. But just "overriding" him? That isn't how grown-ups behave. And as OP said they are all going to talk about it on Saturday. That is when OP and DD need to make their case.

Have you got a shed? Tell your DH he can move in there 🤣

I have kids in their 20s and would have them back in a heartbeat. Even with the mess and the backchat and the rest of it.

So many replies already, thank you.

My DH is not usually like this. I don't know why he has made this decision - it has knocked me for six and I would never have thought that he would behave like this. It is a horrible decision I agree. Normally we make decisions together - but it seems that in this case he doesn't care about what I think. He is her biological dad.

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that.

I really like the idea of setting out rules and agreements - thank you.

To the poster who has said that there is clearly more to this than I am letting on, there isn't. I genuinely want advice that I can use to try and resolve this so I am being honest.

Ours were like boomerangs for a while between relationship breakdowns and saving for deposits for mortgages. We always had rules in place though. Unless there’s a huge backstory about the bickering and how bad it is I don’t see why your DH wouldn’t want her home.

Just read a few more messages! No drugs or alcohol issues. She is a lovely young woman whom we are both very proud of. But she is difficult to live with.

My children are welcome home at any age, end of story.

I understand your situation is different but I would let her come home and nobody would tell me otherwise.

I wonder what rules/guidelines your husband needs, to be more comfortable about it. And maybe she’s had a few rough edges rubbed off through living with others? Is she difficult with flatmates too or just mum & dad .. it’s sad because it will inevitably affect your relationship and if your DH does prevent it he needs to think about that happening and if that’s what he wants. But maybe it could work if she knew what you’re expecting in terms of behaviour.