Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Exactly. Home is where you go to and they have to let you in. Over my dead body would my DH tell me either of my sons weren’t able to come back to us (not that he would)

Your DH sounds awful and I (and DH )would say yes without even having to think about it. I thought part of being a parent was always being there for your children whatever their ages

That's awful OP. My DS is 40 and if he needed to come home at any time he could. He knows I'll always have his back. I'm currently looking after his cats for 6 months while he does a big house purchase move with his partner cross country. I've had to have building work done so my cats and his can't get to each other.....stud wall and door to shut off the stairs.
It's taken him 20 years of hard saving for them to be able to buy their own home so anything I can do to help I will. Surely thats what family is for?
It's so hard for young people to buy a home now we surely have a responsibility to help.

I am also in how difficult she is to
live with, maybe she has matured?

Could you try it for 3 months on a trial basis?

Sadly, until one has experienced awful behaviour from their grown-up children, you won#t understand why some parents can't let their children come and stay with them

My sisters eldest daughter now in her mid 30's was a nightmare teenager and had left home, come back, use the parents home as a hotel at no cost to her and as a bonus the daughter was verbally abusive, aggressive and deluded and pumped out lie after lie re her parents to anyone and everyone, We, well I not my OH fell for her cries for help and fairness. She was ok the first week, 2nd week no so and then turned on me. She was ok as long as you agreed with everything she said and did and she was vicious with her like nothing I'd seen even on tv before. When we kicked our out she spread lies about us

Unless one has experienced of having an adult child that is like our experience, you don't know what you are talking about. Honestly, towards the end we'd stay out longer just to avoid my niece in our own home, She is better behaved now and her parents did help and paid 95% of the cost of the flat she bought - even now they don't want her living with them as my niece turns on people/family very quickly if you said "no"

OP, for the sake of you DH, try to put yourself in his place

tbh OP MN isn't sympathetic towards people in their 20s who are struggling with economic times, they just think we need to eat less avocados....

I'm in my mid 20s also in London and yes the market is brutal at the minute it's about £1k-1.3k in zones 4-1 for a flatshare. Then there's needing to pay rent upfront and overbidding.

Yes. This ^

If it were me, it would be my dh who would be needing to find somewhere else to live. My dcs come first. Always. He wouldn’t get to decide one of my dds couldn’t come and live at home, I would be choosing my dd.

My parents weren't there for me either OP. I ended up feeling I had no choice but to go in a direction that I definitely shouldn't have and probably wouldn't have if I'd felt I had their love and support.

As a result there is no way I'd be saying no. But with ground rules of course.

Why does DH get to make the decision?

100% she would be back.
And dh could take a running jump
But he wouldn't ever refuse her so he wouldn't have too.
Nor would he ever ever not listen to me or budge on something If it was important to me.
Even if he wasn't keen on her coming back, if I wanted her too and he knew that my own experience were causing this to be even more important, he would stand by me.
Cos he's not a prick. Or a bully.
Your dh sounds awful. Why does he get the final say.
I'd just ignore him if I were you and move her back.

Agree with this.

Same, I'm in my 50s and my mum would take me in no matter the circumstances or what my dad said. In fact if my dad said no, he would be the one looking for somewhere else to live!

Yeh and he can go to a hostel. Nob

I’m nearing 40 with 2 kids, and I know I still have a home for us all with my parent who has a terminal illness. Whilst I know I’m incredibly lucky to have this option as many don’t, I do think that’s what parents do and is what I will do for my dc once they’re grown.

so in your words,

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that.

and you can't understand why your DH didn't fall weeping at her feet and beg her to return?

You are entitled to a resolute opinion just as much as DH so you will both have to compromise if you don’t want to turn her away. My kids are always welcome to come home during difficult times, but I appreciate not everyone feels the same. Maybe a compromise is a fixed time she can stay for in return for you and DH helping her find suitable alternative accommodation. The three of you need to sit down and discuss it

100%

Door will always open should any of my children ever need me. It won't be forever.

I am honestly gobsmacked at how many people are saying no! My kids would always be welcome, it’s not like she’s an unemployed bum. She’s a nurse for god sake with a long term plan, help the girl out! Shocking

I moved back home with a toddler and a newborn. My parents bent over backwards for me and my kids. My dad hasn’t always been the easiest but he’d walk through fire for me and my kids, and would have us back home in a heartbeat if we ever needed it again. I’d do anything for my parents. It is highly likely my mum will end up with dementia; we all nurses my gran through that and I’ll do the same for my mum.

I cannot imagine having parents who would turn me away, and I’ll certainly never turn my kids away, unless they’ve murdered someone!

Seems an awful waste of money to help out with her rent rather than putting it towards a deposit. Would emphasising the financial benefits influence your husband? Your DH needs to work out what exactly he has concerns about and you all agree some rules/boundaries. Perhaps agree a shorter time period to assess how it's working out. Alternatively, would both of them living with the bf's parents be an option?

I can't imagine not helping any of my DC in this situation and would not appreciate being bullied by my DH

I have made a decision that my kids can always come back. For different reasons as a much more adult child I was not able to go back to my parents. I'll never forget how it made me feel and they were supportive in many other ways. But they would have had me live in a difficult situation rather than let me stay for a bit as a temporary measure was just awful. I get if the child is destructive and I agree some ground rules and some contribution to food and bills given she is in work, even if she doesn't pay rent - that's a good deal in itself. Most people don't love going back with parents, so hopefully it will not be a lasting situation.

MN is absolutely bonkers at times. No he wouldn't have to lump it on account of it's his house too.

this thread, in summary, is OP saying her DD is really difficult to live with, her DH has life-limiting issues and doesn't want DD back living with them.

But according to many posters HE has to suck it up because... well, what? because women always are in the right?

You DH has a life limiting condition that means he is in pain a lot

Your DD, by your own admission, is difficult to live with.

Your house is small, again by what you said, and most things would have to be shared.

Your DD's BF will likely want to stay over or be in the house with your DD on frequent occasions giving no one space of privacy in your home.

A year is a long time. Perhaps a few months could be a compromise but it all depends on a number of things, not least the condition your DH has and whether, truthfully, having another person living there would make his condition worse.

It's not shocking when you read OP's further posts about their DD being awful to live with. I don't think OP's been fair not including that info in her first post.