Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

If your DH is unwell and your daughter has a history of making life difficult I can see his point of view.

It's his home as well and your daughter has more choice if she looks.

No. It’s about love and caring for your children no matter what age. Your kids come before your husband. Who would be with a man who’d turn his own child away

She did.

I think MN totally infantilises young people.

FGS, she is 25 with a bf. They need to make a plan and start adulting.

Parents’ homes aren’t just free hotels. She isn’t moving back to enjoy her parents’ company or because she is having a crisis, she wants free (or cheap) board and lodging.

And if she is going to have a hissy fit if the answer is no, that just says all you need to know about her motivation.

Absolutely agree with this. I'd help her with money to find another place instead.

I don't think other people saying their kids are welcome home and they'd be welcome in their parents houses are terribly relevant.

Is it really beyond people's imagination that there are some situations in which you wouldn't welcome an adult child home? What if they were verbally or physically abusive? What if they stole from you? What if they were so inconsiderate that they kept you up half the night and that made you ill? What if they kept breaking the law and the police were at your door regularly?

Op says her daughter was 'awful to live with'. We don't know what that means in real, practical terms. Presumably it was more than leaving wet towels on the floor though.

I'm confused, what about her specifically makes her difficult to live with? I think you need to unpack your DH's feelings on it a bit more and deal with the issues one by one. EG if she plays music a lot, set ground rules about that. Set clear expectations about chores, mess, food shopping, etc - whichever issues are likely to stress your DH out. Also maybe work together on a budget for how much she will save over the period of a year etc and make it clear its a finite period?

It's outrageous to decide that she can't come back. It will definitely be an irreversible problem in your relationship with her (both you and DH)... you can't expect any favours or support from her as you grow older if you treat her like this now (or allow her to be treated like this).

rubbish. He should be able to put himself first when his daughter is at an age to live independently.

And he's hardly turning the poor little waif away if he's offering to help pay her rent.

We have post after post after post on here about some truly awful adult children terrorising their parents on here. And consensus is that they should move out. But get the chance to put the boot into a man, in his own home, with a life limiting illness, not wanting his difficult to live with daughter moving in - and all bets are off.

This needs a big discussion between OP and DH first. She doesn't even know why he is reluctant. He is a grown up man and he has reasons. And if OP won't even ask him? It's absolutely flippin' ridiculous.

Your husband is so selfish.

He’s obviously basing her awfulness to live with off how she was as a teenager. All teenagers are grotty, even the good ones.
My mother lives with my sister in a completely different part of the country but even so, they’d still have me there if I needed a home! My parents used to laugh because I moved out at 18 but came back in my twenties with reinforcements of a husband and two children!

How is what I’ve said rubbish?? He’s a PARENT! Her FATHER!! You put your kids before your own wants and needs no matter how inconvenient

Would all of you who would automatically welcome adult children give the same welcome if your elderly parents announced they needed to move in with you for a year (for health or any other reason)?

If not, why not?

You didn’t give birth to your parents and raise them.

Normally I’d agree she could move back but I think the life limiting illness top trumps saving up for a flat.

There are other possibilities, Move areas, rent with boyfriend, move into his parents place etc etc.

He's dying. Are people missing this fact? Life-limiting illness?

Exactly.

My son is a dream and will always be welcome home by DH and I.

My sister is a nightmare, even now in her 40’s. If she ever moved back in with my parents I think it would genuinely kill one of them, probably my mum.

My partner and I both moved in with my parents at 29,rent free to save for our house...my brother at 45 will be moving in between the sale of bis house and waiting on the next. I just can't understand not letting your child return home?

Can she not move in with her BF and continue to save? Why isn't this an option?

He's dying and in pain. He's allowed to prioritise himself and his home without bickering. The daughter is an adult an should understand that and honestly want it for her father.

Well the 'difficult to live with' is 100% her problem from the sounds of it and if she isn't willing to change her behaviour to fit you and DH current living situation then I wouldn't want her to come back either, fair play to your DH to state that he doesn't want that, if he is in pain a lot from his illness then the last thing he needs is bullshit and drama in another wise peaceful house, tension in a household is horrible.

I personally would have her back, she's done a lot of growing up in the meantime and she deserves a chance, but it would be the start of a new chapter, she needs to understand that she's not coming back as a teenager who you have to house no matter what, you are under no obligation now and she's a grown woman, so she needs to appreciate that you are doing this for her as a massive favour and treat you with the respect you deserve.

I suspect your DH either truly feels this way OR he's saying it for effect to make sure when you do back down and let her stay with you she knows he means business so she'll toe the line.

the other thing to do is charge her a decent amount of rent, but (secretly or not secretly) put that money to one side for her.. it will stop her flittering it away and enable her to save up faster.

I think it's really important to support DD - but at 25 she is old enough to be told that Dad really struggles with life because of his illness and it's just not fair that he suffers at this stage in life.

And then can you persuade him to do a three-month trial? Say that you will have a very frank conversation with her about how difficult she has been to live with and how she has to stick to the rules and any others that have to be made ad hoc?

If your daughter were younger I would say this was a LTB situation. But if he absolutely refuses I think at the very least he needs to take full responsibility for that decision. This is no time for a united front - for the sake of your future relationship your daughter needs to know that you would have welcomed her back, if with reservations - but that you could not prevail.

It's only a year, isn't it?

no you don'T simply say "yep" - you agree with your partner what the conditions will be, then you present them to the difficult to live with daughter and see if she agrees. Then you trial it out and at any time he can say "sorry, not working"

again, he is so keen not to have to share his house with her (and that is up to him) that he is willing to help her pay her rent.

absent OP deliberately not telling us about the awful behaviour, i am going to take her at her word, and assume that the life limiting illness is the reason the DH is reluctant.

FWIW I would be welcome any time at my parents' because I'm not difficult to live with. My brother? not so much. My DCs are welcome to come back and live with me and my DH, one wouldn't need it but one would need clear expectations outlined before they were allowed back in. Because even parents are allowed to have a quiet stress-free life. Especially when their offspring are adults.

And i have at NO time said that DH should be able to unilaterally decide "no". But OP shouldn't be allowed to unilaterally decide "yes" either. It's a bit like (but not the same as, for all the frothers) getting a great dane. A "2 yes" scenario.

As a young adult/ 20 something I was very hard to live with and very difficult with my family. I was still welcomed back with open arms. DH should absolutely set boundaries but saying no to your own child is pretty heartless. Still, my friend's parents wouldn't let her move back after uni as 'the dog now lives in your old room, it's his now'. So could always be worse 😂

Yes, of course. My parents are both dead but Dh's parents are still alive and although I don't always find them easy they would absolutely be welcome to move in with us if they needed to.